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| Amber Heard Pics 2012 |
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Matt Said, Jay Said XIX: New Year's Resolutions
Matt giải quyết, Jay giải quyết, You thủ dâm. And, you we all do it in Vietnamese.
So we’re gonna do a something a little different for this week’s edition of Matt Said, Jay Said kids. Instead of bits and pieces of hilarious conversations between Matt-Man and Jayman, we’re simply going to post our New Year’s Resolutions. Some of them may not be all that serious.
Matt-Man:
2. I am going to seriously focus on making money from my writing, our website, and our radio show.
3. To meet the ends of the previous resolution, I am going to become a better writer and radio co-host.
4. Instead of making fun of Norwegians, I will merely ignore them.
5. I am going to put away 10 dollars a week as is Schmoop, so by Christmas of 2012 we have $1,000.00 on hand to more than pay for Christmas and have a nice year end bonus for us.
6. I am going to eat healthier. Twice a week I will replace my typical dinner of a greasy double cheeseburger and fries with CHICKEN nuggets AND A taco SALAD.
7. I vow to kick Sean Hannity in the vagina on national TV.
8. I used to help with the cleaning of the Bagwine digs, and haven’t been doing that. I will make sure I start doing that again.
9. I am going to make sure that my son is mentally and emotionally prepared for college when he graduates in 2013.
10. I will jack off less frequently, especially during the dry, winter months.
11. I will love more, hate less, become a better person, and most importantly…
12. I will get the makers of Steel Reserve to become a sponsor of our show.
Jayman:
2. Cut back dramatically on the frozen pizzas, chips, soft drinks and alcohol.
3. Develop an impressive, yet not too expensive, daily cocaine habit.
4. Double my Twitter followers, Facebook friends and triple Tumblr followers.
5. Learn to sing, play guitar and/or piano and tap dance.
6. Run a marathon
7. Work harder and maintaining and improving relationships and actually interact more.
8. Do at least one IWS podcast while in the same location as Matt-Man.
9. Master the art of ventriloquism.
10. Get all restraining orders lifted.
11. Work on learning new and different writing styles.
12. Improve the technical aspects of the show by getting rid of the cheap headset and acquiring a good USB condenser mic with a filter and possibly a mixer.
And, speaking of New Year’s Eve, and we were, don’t forget to join us for our big New Year’s Eve Show on I’m With Stupid at 11 pm ET! Or, catch us in the archives. It’s gonna be a blast.
But wait that’s not all! On Wednesday we held a pretty good 2012 strategy session where we talked about some great ideas for this blog and the show coming up in the New Year. If you want a little sneak preview of some of the stuff we’re talking about, then give the show a listen using this handy-dandy player provided by BTR which the new Blogger really fucking posting. But, they can’t stop us!
Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone out there and remember that we love each and every one of you guys. Well, 95% of ya at least. Probably 98%.
Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio
Try Doing It Another Time
(not actual baby) (I mean, this is a real baby, but not the baby in question)
I have to imagine that April includes their anniversary and both their birthdays...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
May Your New Year Be Colorful
"Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year…it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols." ~Thomas Mann
The words of Mann are true, but…when I read his passage, I wonder about the spirit in which he wrote it.
Is it merely a statement of fact, or is he also mocking human behavior and its attempt to harness time…to take time, and somehow, define it?
I think the latter. Mann is, in all of his stoic, efficient, German manner, correct about the ambiguity and elusiveness of time.
However, “we mortals” have good reason, or at least a reason to mark the New Year with bells and an alcohol induced blaring of trumpets.
New Year’s Day is a time when many people gather to watch football, feast on pork and sauerkraut, and publicly (and foolishly) announce their resolutions for the coming year.
Some people view the day as just another day off from work.
Those same people oft times say that anytime of year is a good time to take stock and better yourself without the confines of a once a year resolution.
I myself, enjoy the festivities surrounding the New Year, but also understand the reasoning of those who eschew the tradition of making once a year promises.
My reason to celebrate, or at least observe the New Year, lies somewhere in between the aforementioned reasons...and it relates to the statement made by Thomas Mann.
I think that between 8 P.M. New Year’s Eve while partying, and 9 A.M. New Year’s Day when one wakes up (or is finally going to bed), time does, in a way, stand still.
As Mann said, “Time has no divisions…”, and during those precious few hours, we are like a broken clock. We are both A.M. and P.M., past and present; preface and postscript.
We can visualize everything we have ever been and ever done, in the often stark, monochromatic brutality of black and white.
We can also see everything that we want to be and want to do, in color…bright colors, colors that sometimes elude our sight because we do not take the time to notice them the other 364 days of the year.
The transition between the old and the new, is but a razor thin balance between Rationalism and Empiricism, between regret and hope…between charcoal drawings and watercolors.I hope that we can all cut through the drab, dreary, and sometimes painful black and white screen of this world and of our personal prologues, and see the colors that we oft times miss.
My wish for you this New Year is that you use your past experiences as a pencil sketch, and spend 2012 turning that sketch into a painting of bright and wonderful watercolors.
Be safe…Kiss someone you love at midnight…and Happy New Year!!
Cheers!!
e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
Books Of 2011
1) I need to focus more on books of my choosing
2) I need to read more challenging books
3) As much as people say audiobooks count as reading, I don't think I agree
4) YA books are largely awful
5) Stepping outside your comfort zone will often bring large rewards (Well, hello, general good idea. Nice to meet you)
6) I think it takes 2 books to decide whether or not you hate something (Turns out I don't hate Charlaine Harris and I for sure hate Jennifer Weiner)
That being said, may I present you with Madeline's Books of 2011
1) Flawless- Scott Andrew Selby and Greg Campbell
2) Adoration of Jenna Fox- Mary Peterson
3) We Bought A Zoo- Benjamin Mee
4) Once a King Always a King- Reymundo Sanchez
5) The Choice- Suzanne Woods Fisher
6) Look Again- Lisa Scottoline
7) The Girls From Ames- Jeffrey Zaslow
8) The Naked Truth- Danielle Staub
9) Elsewhere- Gabrielle Zevin
10) 1st To Die- James Patterson
11) The Bedwetter- Sarah Silverman
12) Dead Beautiful- Yvonne Woon
13) The Princess Bride- William Goldman
14) Cesar's Way- Cesar Milan
15) Stork- Wndy Delsol
16) The Girls- Lori Lansens
17) The Lost City of Z- David Grann
18) Midwives- Chris Bohjalian
19) Oogy- Larry Levin
20) Henry's Demons- Patrick and Henry Colburn
21) One For The Money- Janet Evanovich
22) Dirty Little Secrets- CJ Omololu
23) Little Bee- Chris Cleave
24) We All Fall Down- Nic Scheff
25) Stolen- Lucy Christopher
26) One Day- David Nicholls
27) Two For The Dough- Janet Evanovich
28) Night Road- Kristin Hannah
29) Sweet Valley Confidential- Francine Pascal
30) Paying For It- Chester Brown
31) The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks- Rebecca Skloot
32) Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest- Steig Larsson
33) Never Knowing- Chevy Stevens
34) Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin- Frank Bailey
35) Before I Go To Sleep- S.J. Watson
36) Stories I Only Tell My Friends- Rob Lowe
37) The 19th Wife- David Ebersoff
38) The Night Season- Chelsea Cain
39) The Kingdom of Childhood- Rebecca Coleman
40) Bloodroot- Amy Greene
41) Amaryllis In Blueberry- Christine Meldrum
42) The Help- Kathryn Stockett
43) All The Flowers In Shanghai- Duncan Jepson
44) Horns- Joe Hill
45) Unbroken- Laura Hillenbrand
46) Dead In Dallas- Charlaine Harris
47) The Buddha in the Attic- Julie Otsuka
48) These Things Hidden- Heather Gudenkauf
49) Sorry- Zoran Drvenkar
50) Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children- Ransom Riggs
51) Lone Wolf- Jodi Picoult
52) The Family Fang- Kevin Wilson
53) My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me- Hillary Winston
54) The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins
55) Then Came You- Jennifer Weiner
56) You Better Not Cry- Augusten Burroughs
Random Totals:
17 Nonfiction titles
10 YA titles
6 different series
1 book I want to punch myself for reading (I'm talking to you, Danielle Staub)
15 books read for work
6 Books recently made or about to become movies
Most Overhyped: The Help by Kathyrn Stockett
Biggest Surprise: The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson
Top Books (in no particular order)
1) Little Bee by Chris Cleave
2) The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson
3) Flawless by Scott Andrew Selby and Greg Campbell
4) Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand
I refuse to list a 5th choice. I've read and reread my list about 10 times trying to figure out what would be a worthy 5th choice and I've come to the conclusion that there isn't one. If I wanted to put together a list of "Books I Really Enjoyed", then I would have a decent sized list but I have decided to only include books that I feel are both really well written and had characters/stories that stuck with me. I'm sorry if the fact that I didn't include The Hunger Games or The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks makes some of you feel that I'm crazy. Those books would be on the list of "Books I Really Enjoyed".
Feel free to ask me how I liked any of the books on this list and I'll give my honest opinion. I've got big plans to largely avoid YA books in the coming year (with the exception of Catching Fire and Mockingjay) and get started on my 10 classics (Gone With The Wind is waiting on the shelf!).
Let me know if you finished your 50 books and what your favorites were!
Happy 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
In 2012 We Can All Do Better
Hola Internet Peoples of the World. And I do mean “THE WORLD!” According to our stat counter this morning, the number of hits this blog gets from the US has fallen below 50% for the first time since we started this thing. That’s pretty significant. I know a lot of you out there laugh dismissively when I talk about our “vast and diverse worldwide audience” but it really is true.
From Canada, the US, Mexico to Brazil to England to the Netherlands to Greece to Israel to Ghana to South Africa to Moscow to Mumbai to Bangkok to Seoul to Manila to Melbourne we are a part of people’s daily lives all over the globe. And that really feels great. We consider ourselves citizens of the world and I think we have actually achieved that here.
But, it’s that time of the year when it’s time to get all retrospective and think about who and what we are and who and what we can and should be. Is it time to really make some changes? Is it time to move on from some things and take on new challenges? Time to maybe let go of the past? Time to start acting like the person we should be?
And by “we” I mean “me” of course. Well, and “we” in the sense that we could all do better. We certainly could do better as a society. Every day we see stories about levels of poverty rising and number of children who are homeless and stuff like that. We then go into rants about the republicans or the democrats or the government, but deep inside we know that we are actually to blame here. We do our best to ignore people living in horrific conditions and who are struggling, or sad or lonely because we don’t want to be bummed out.
But, how can we talk about us doing better as a society without talking about “me” first. As the late, great Michael Jackson said “it starts with the man in the mirror.” If I’m not willing to make these changes and be a better person, friend, family member, etc, then how can I expect that of you? I can’t!
I did a post a couple of days ago listing some of the people, places and things that I’ve had enough of. It was a pretty popular post even though it resulted in Matt-Man having to work quickly to try and start avoid an international incident. But really, I could have done a post of people, places and things that I HAVEN’T had enough just as easily. And you know what? I would have actually felt better about myself had I written that post instead.
In fact, do we always have to aim low? Do we always have to take the shot just because it’s there? Do we always have to aim for the lowest common denominator? Isn’t it just as easy, and much more fulfilling to go with the more positive response? Or at least mix it up a bit.
And how about taking a couple of minutes every once in a while and letting the people we care about know we’re thinking about them? Is that really too much to ask? Would it really take so much effort to just send someone a quick email or message on Facebook or Twitter asking them how things are going? Or let them know we care about them or that we’re thinking about them?
And how ‘bout this … How ‘bout if we all give OURSELVES a break every once in a while. Accept that we’re going to screw some things up and say the wrong thing and shit like that. Don’t beat ourselves up and get angry at ourselves over it. Just do our best to fix it and move on. You know, maybe if we weren’t punishing ourselves over stuff all the time, we wouldn’t be so angry at everyone else?
Just a few things I’ve been thinking about this last week of 2011. Maybe if I make 2012 about doing better, I’ll find that I won’t make a list of things I’ve had enough of in 2012 because they won’t matter nearly as much as the things that make me feel better about myself and others. I mean, it’s worth a try, right?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Burkina Faso...An Open Letter of Apology and Demand for Mutual Respect
To the Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of Burkina Faso, Mr. Paramanga Ernest Yonli…
Your Excellency,
First of all…Merry Christmas, Happy al-Hijra, and/or a Kleptocratic Kwanzaa to you and yours. And secondly, on behalf of I’m With Stupid, allow me to apologize for the hurtful remarks that my partner Jayman made toward your country on the pages of this website yesterday.
Over this past year, Jayman has taken a disliking to the entire country of Burkina Faso, and your nation has become one of the things of which he has simply had enough.
While I, being a, “hate the sin and not the sinner” kind of guy who can find goodness in all, can see where Jayman is coming from, and please, on his behalf, allow me to explain.
You see…Over the course of 2011, Jayman and myself have spoken out for your country on this website and on our radio show.
We praised your country, a bit part actor of the international community theater, in hopes of seeing your landlocked African nation-state one day step into and bask in the warm glow of the spotlight upon the world stage.
Jayman and I lauded your country for months and what did we get for our actions? Heartache, and even worse?
We were ignored by you, President Blaise Compaor’e, and most importantly…by the inhabitants of, “The Land of Upright People.”
Much like the rains fall from May through September upon your fertile lands in the south, our tears streamed down our cheeks upon the savannahs of our souls.
We became like two orphaned wildebeest crying out for their mother during the oft time unforgiving nights under a Saharan moon. You ignored our good works. And Jayman? He felt betrayed. However…
As I am the diplomat of the two, what with my subtle and carefully chosen way with words, I am here to make amends and rebuild that bridge between us that has burned just as your lush, savannah grasses do when the harmattan kicks up.
Your Excellency, I am writing this letter in order to extol your virtues as a nation and as a people.
I find it completely awesome that in 2005, the World Health Organization reported that unlike in previous years, only 72.5% of your girls and women were the subject of female genital mutilation. Those chicks may not be able to produce babies in the future, but you guys are making baby steps toward the 21st Century!!
And dig it, I know that you wanted to have a 26% literacy rate by 2008, but didn’t quite make that goal. Don’t fret about that; it’s all good. I know that if we pitted you guys against the people from Togo, and our own state of Mississippi in a game of JEOPARDY, you’d give em’ a run for their money.
And listen…I know the press can be a hassle, what with calling for more freedoms and what not. I am glad to see that you are killing fewer journalists than you have in past years, ‘cause I know the kind of restraint that takes.
Hell, for years I have wanted to perform a little female genitalia mutilation on Sean Hannity with my left foot. But like me, you have taken the high dirt road.
Anyhoo…I hope we understand each other now. I think you know that we have your back, but c’mon…
We have done and continue to do, all this promotion for your country…It’s time that you throw Jayman and I a bone.
And no, I’m not talking about the one in your nose.
Show us some love dammit…because if you don’t?
We’ll be more than happy to contact the French Embassy and see if they wouldn't mind taking over your country once again.
And seriously, who the Hell would want that?
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
Your Excellency,
First of all…Merry Christmas, Happy al-Hijra, and/or a Kleptocratic Kwanzaa to you and yours. And secondly, on behalf of I’m With Stupid, allow me to apologize for the hurtful remarks that my partner Jayman made toward your country on the pages of this website yesterday.
While I, being a, “hate the sin and not the sinner” kind of guy who can find goodness in all, can see where Jayman is coming from, and please, on his behalf, allow me to explain.
You see…Over the course of 2011, Jayman and myself have spoken out for your country on this website and on our radio show.
We praised your country, a bit part actor of the international community theater, in hopes of seeing your landlocked African nation-state one day step into and bask in the warm glow of the spotlight upon the world stage.
Jayman and I lauded your country for months and what did we get for our actions? Heartache, and even worse?
We were ignored by you, President Blaise Compaor’e, and most importantly…by the inhabitants of, “The Land of Upright People.”
Much like the rains fall from May through September upon your fertile lands in the south, our tears streamed down our cheeks upon the savannahs of our souls.
We became like two orphaned wildebeest crying out for their mother during the oft time unforgiving nights under a Saharan moon. You ignored our good works. And Jayman? He felt betrayed. However…
As I am the diplomat of the two, what with my subtle and carefully chosen way with words, I am here to make amends and rebuild that bridge between us that has burned just as your lush, savannah grasses do when the harmattan kicks up.
Your Excellency, I am writing this letter in order to extol your virtues as a nation and as a people.
I find it completely awesome that in 2005, the World Health Organization reported that unlike in previous years, only 72.5% of your girls and women were the subject of female genital mutilation. Those chicks may not be able to produce babies in the future, but you guys are making baby steps toward the 21st Century!!
And dig it, I know that you wanted to have a 26% literacy rate by 2008, but didn’t quite make that goal. Don’t fret about that; it’s all good. I know that if we pitted you guys against the people from Togo, and our own state of Mississippi in a game of JEOPARDY, you’d give em’ a run for their money.
And listen…I know the press can be a hassle, what with calling for more freedoms and what not. I am glad to see that you are killing fewer journalists than you have in past years, ‘cause I know the kind of restraint that takes.Hell, for years I have wanted to perform a little female genitalia mutilation on Sean Hannity with my left foot. But like me, you have taken the high dirt road.
Anyhoo…I hope we understand each other now. I think you know that we have your back, but c’mon…
We have done and continue to do, all this promotion for your country…It’s time that you throw Jayman and I a bone.
And no, I’m not talking about the one in your nose.
Show us some love dammit…because if you don’t?
We’ll be more than happy to contact the French Embassy and see if they wouldn't mind taking over your country once again.
And seriously, who the Hell would want that?
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
Monday, December 26, 2011
Some People, Places and Things I've Had Enough Of
The late, great George Carlin once said “I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay?” Well I tell ya what, there are a number of people, places and things that I’ve just about fucking had enough of. Now that Christmas and all that positive and happy shit is over, I’m finally free to post a list of ‘em. Of course, this is just a partial list, but it’s a good start.
-- And, if you want to be all positive and happy and sentimental and all that stuff, you should totally listen to I’m With Stupid’s very special Christmas Day Show. That’s right kids, we went live on Christmas Day for our fans and friends. That’s just the thoughtful kind of guys we are.
We talked about Christmas itself, some of our happy Christmas memories, giving and receiving presents, spending time with family and just all the wonderful stuff that Christmas is all about. You should totally listen. If you don’t a GOP candidate for president might imply that you hate Jesus. You don’t want that to happen!
1. People who take it personally if I don’t like their favorite music, movies, tv shows, sports teams, food etc. It’s okay for us to not agree 100% of the fucking time.
2. The media telling me who to root for or who to like. I’ll choose my own heroes and my own fantasy babes, thank you.
3. Zombies, vampires and other fucking freaks.
4. Republicans
5. Taylor Swift
6. People trying to force their religious beliefs on me.
7. People with a huge sense of entitlement.
8. People who call anyone who disagrees with them on anything a “Nazi.”
9. The Chevy Volt.
10. Democrats
11. The grammar police
12. Burkina Faso – The whole fucking country.
13. Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, Melissa D’Arabian, Ina Garten, Rachael Ray and the fucking Neely’s.
14. Libertarians
15. Rachel Maddow
16. Willful ignorance.
17. Blind partisanship
18. Tim Fucking Tebow
19. People who are always playing the victim.
20. Really good looking and popular people who claim that they are “nerds.”
21. Hipsters
22. People who don’t answer emails
23. Passive-aggressive people
24. Jon Gruden and pretty much every everybody else on ESPN, but especially Skip Bayless.
25. People who beg celebrities on Twitter to retweet them or reply to them
26. People on twitter who retweet compliments they receive, but don’t say thank you.
27. The BCS
28. Utah
29. Nanny Staters and do-gooder busybodies
30. Every time a story like “Number of homeless children at highest level ever in US” comes out and people start arguing over which political party is to blame instead of realizing we as a society are to blame.
Okay, I actually feel a little better now.
We talked about Christmas itself, some of our happy Christmas memories, giving and receiving presents, spending time with family and just all the wonderful stuff that Christmas is all about. You should totally listen. If you don’t a GOP candidate for president might imply that you hate Jesus. You don’t want that to happen!
Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Kwanzaa, You're Soooo Losing to the Jews
The first day of Hanukkah has passed and Christmas is but a faded memory from your Uncle Frank's face down in the punch bowl, but let us not forget that on December 26th, TODAY...the celebration of Kwanzaa begins.
And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.
Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.
You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…
Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.
He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.
If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.
I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...
A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.
You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”
See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.
There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.
Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.
While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….
As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?
Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?
Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.
Cheers!!
Allow me to 'splain...
In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.
Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.
There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.
Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.
Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…
First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.
In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.
Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.
There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.
Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…
First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.
And incidentally, no self-respecting black person should be going all Hebrewistic on anyone. Sammy Davis, Jr. did that and what happened to him?
The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…
If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.
Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.
Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…
The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…
If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.
Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.
Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…
And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.
You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…
Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.
If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.
I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...
A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”
See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.
There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.
Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.
While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….
As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?
Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?
Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.
Cheers!!
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