Sunday, July 31, 2011
The Right To Complain
It's Funny Time!
Last night Matt-Man and Jayman brought the funny. We told some of our favorite jokes of all time and it was non-stop hilarity! We also talked about our favorite comedians and a bit about comedy in general. Like how important delivery is. Jayman is especially good at messing up and having to start over. PEOPLE LOVE THAT!
Anyway, we told some all-time classics like…
The muffins were in the oven cooking away when one muffin turned to the one next to him and said “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?” The other muffin turned to him and said “OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!!”
Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A: The pilot! What are you? Fucking racist?
Q: Where can you hide extra cash from your Jewish wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
And you know what? It just got funnier from there! So, take a few minutes out of your busy schedule and check it out. We would much appreciate it and it will put a smile on your face.
Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
As The Butter Churns
Greetings and welcome friends of IWS. I am the official Amish Mullet Girl of I’m With Stupid.
My name is Hannah Stoltzfus, and I liveth in, and haileth from, one of the 220 Amish Church Districts in Holmes County, Ohio.
Holmes County Ohio boasteth an Amish population of nearly 40,000 peace loving folk sporting long beards, long skirts, and deep sexual repression.
To put that into perspective, if all of us were to churneth butter from the Sabbath to your day of debauchery the following Saturday, we’d churn enough curds and whey to fill the moon with green cheese, all the while hoping that someone would do the same to us.
To many of you, we may seem to be aloof, stand-offish, and perhaps even creepy, but c’mon…
Do I look like a creepy little Amish girl to you? Perhaps you think I look like a character from the moving picture, Children of the Corn?
Well, I’m not. Okay…
Being Amish, maybe I look like a character from Children of the String Cheese. Ha!!
See?
Even the Amish have a sense of humor!!
Having a sense of humor is good, because on Saturday July 30th at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and Matt-Man are doing, The Joke Show on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.
They will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of all-time. They’d like you to listen and call-in with yours as well.
Unfortunately, I will be unable to do the same, for I am Amish and we eschew all things electrical and modern. In fact…
The only reason you are reading my words upon the soullessness of the internet is because my brother Zachariah took my hand written story to the vibrant and modern town of Bagwine, Ohio some four carriage ride days away from here and delivered it to Matt-Man.
And speaking of jokes and my brother Zachariah, let me tell you…That boy couldn’t raise a barn with the broad side of a…um…barn. Hey-Oooooooth.
Anyway, listen to I’m With Stupid on Saturday July, 30th at 6:30 PM EDT as Jayman and Matt-Man will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of All-Time.
For more details…go to the Radio Show tab at the top of the page and give er’ a click.
For I’m With Stupid, this is Hannah Stoltzfus saying…
An Amish girl’s best friend is the “transistor radio” ‘neath her goose-down pillow.
--Hannah
My name is Hannah Stoltzfus, and I liveth in, and haileth from, one of the 220 Amish Church Districts in Holmes County, Ohio.Holmes County Ohio boasteth an Amish population of nearly 40,000 peace loving folk sporting long beards, long skirts, and deep sexual repression.
To put that into perspective, if all of us were to churneth butter from the Sabbath to your day of debauchery the following Saturday, we’d churn enough curds and whey to fill the moon with green cheese, all the while hoping that someone would do the same to us.
To many of you, we may seem to be aloof, stand-offish, and perhaps even creepy, but c’mon…
Do I look like a creepy little Amish girl to you? Perhaps you think I look like a character from the moving picture, Children of the Corn?
Well, I’m not. Okay…
Being Amish, maybe I look like a character from Children of the String Cheese. Ha!!
See?
Even the Amish have a sense of humor!!
Having a sense of humor is good, because on Saturday July 30th at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and Matt-Man are doing, The Joke Show on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.
They will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of all-time. They’d like you to listen and call-in with yours as well.
Unfortunately, I will be unable to do the same, for I am Amish and we eschew all things electrical and modern. In fact…
The only reason you are reading my words upon the soullessness of the internet is because my brother Zachariah took my hand written story to the vibrant and modern town of Bagwine, Ohio some four carriage ride days away from here and delivered it to Matt-Man.
And speaking of jokes and my brother Zachariah, let me tell you…That boy couldn’t raise a barn with the broad side of a…um…barn. Hey-Oooooooth.
Anyway, listen to I’m With Stupid on Saturday July, 30th at 6:30 PM EDT as Jayman and Matt-Man will be telling and discussing their favorite jokes of All-Time.
For more details…go to the Radio Show tab at the top of the page and give er’ a click.
For I’m With Stupid, this is Hannah Stoltzfus saying…
An Amish girl’s best friend is the “transistor radio” ‘neath her goose-down pillow.
--Hannah
I Might Have A Problem
I might be a little too obsessed with finding random cool art on Etsy...But come on! You can find such great things for dirt cheap! I love it!
Here's what I'm thinking might be my next purchase....
I love it....I'd tell you where to find it but I don't want any of you snatching out from under me!
although, if you ask nicely and promise not to steal it from me, I might just fill you in....
Here's what I'm thinking might be my next purchase....
I love it....I'd tell you where to find it but I don't want any of you snatching out from under me!
although, if you ask nicely and promise not to steal it from me, I might just fill you in....
Normally I Don't Do This
But after reading a number of articles about the debt crisis and some of the Republicans in government and I'm SO AGGRAVATED! I mean, seriously, the amount of comments about how Obama has put our country in this financial hole is RIDICULOUS! Have the Republicans forgotten that there was a surplus when Bush got into office and HE lost it all?!?!?! Republicans can't even agree within their own party and the Tea Party supporters are bullheaded idiots that have NO BUSINESS being in politics! Obama certainly hasn't always made the choices that we've wanted him to but I at least give him credit for attempting to meet in the middle and move things along. I don't think we'd be any further ahead if he had taken the hard line...
I found the following comment in the Chicago Tribune this morning and I think it's spot on...
Schmedrick McSchedrick at 8:51 AM July 29, 2011
Look at the countries with STERLING Triple A ratings: "Germany, Canada, France, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland are among those with the undisputed stamp of approval"---what does this tell you about those Socialist countries with National Health Care and small defense budgets, and liberal politicians--
Oh yeah, they can balance their books and pay theri debts. When will the kooks on the right learn from what works instead of repeating what doesn't work.
While your at it, look at the life expectancy in those countries and the infant mortality rate, and the amount of vacation time each receives, and maternity/family leave benefits...yeah..the more liberal a country is, the better it does financially--huh, who would have thought...
Found in the comment section at the end of this article
An example of a no-good Tea Partier...Joe Walsh owes $117,00 in back child support for his 3 kids with his first wife..somehow he claims that they had previously reached an agreement for $10,000. Seriously? $10,000 for 3 kids for 8 years?? You think that covers the expenses for 3 kids in the 8 years you didn't bother paying???????? And he has the gall to criticize anyone about their fiscal responsibility?
Ok, now that I've said what I needed to say....Let's get on with a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Rodney Dangerfield Live from Heaven !!
Hey how you doin’? Rodney Dangerfield here.I know… I know…It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve been gone, and my family is just now reporting me missing!!
I tell ya, no respect.
But I can tell you, that when I died in October of 2004, the good Lord brought me directly to Heaven.
Yeah, good Lord my ass…Five minutes after getting into Heaven, I met Jesus, and he made me wash HIS feet.
I tell ya, no respect.
On top of that, most people who come to Heaven come through the Pearly Gates…me?
The Godly Gargoyles unhooked the lock on the fence and said,
“Don’t let the chain link hit you on the ass.”
And then St. Peter said…
“You shouldn’t even be up here, but it was the only way we could get Sam Kinison to stop his fucking screaming.”
However…
Life is good up here for a Christ-Killing Jew like me. The first dead person I met was Joan of Arc, and I had to tell her…
“I bet you were smokin’ hot in your day.”
And then I saw Charlton Heston and screamed,
“Hey Chuck, Remember Me?”
I remember seeing JFK and Jayne Mansfield strolling hand in hand along the streets of gold and I had to ask…
“Hey Jack, who gave you a better head job…Jayne or Lee Harvey Oswald?”
I think some people find me a bit distasteful…God included.
For example, when I arrived here in the Land of Milk and Honey…all I got was skim milk, and Nutella. I tell ya…
But…Compared to my days of disrespectation on Earth, life is not bad up here.
The hookers here in Heaven pay me to have sex with them. Sure, they still cry afterwards, but yours truly has a few dollars in hand with which to commiserate.
When I arrived, the Heaven Doctor didn’t slap my mother…He smiled and slapped my father.
When I strip in front of the window of my heavenly bungalow, I am not booed by a peeping Tom, I am booed by a Doubting Thomas.
And hear this…There is excitement a plenty here in Heaven.
Last week, Evel Knievel jumped not one, not two, not three…but ALL twelve Apostles.
It was exciting, but when I went to the post-show buffet, I was handed a carp and gar knish to eat, and told to clean the place up.
Because evidently, Richard Nixon who was here on a weekend pass from Hell, had thrown up all over Golda Meir.
I guess in Heaven…seniority matters.
This is Rodney Dangerfield live from Heaven saying…
Even in the eyes of the Almighty, respect is an elusive thing.
Ho-ah…You should have seen the woman that just walked by…I bet she was something before electricity,
Rodney Dangerfield
Silver Spoons
I wandered across this lovely cuff on Etsy and I'm swooning a bit...
Such a pretty idea..such a sweet gift..I'm keeping it in mind for the next time I need a unique gift
The Cottage Path on Etsy
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Walking Yorkshire - Lovely Seat, Great Shunner Fell
This is great, a day's walking in the Yorkshire Dales National Park, and good company in the shape of Godson Joseph. We parked the car above Butter Tubs and set off up Lovely Seat as a warm up to the main hill of Great Shunner Fell, Jo was already leaving me behind on the steep sections and I had an inkling that I might spend much of the day watching him vanish into the distance ahead of me.
A fast half hour saw us on the top, "Is that it ?" says wonder boy. "Yes that's it" I replied, well, as soon as I got my breath back I replied. We set off back down and then started the longer slog up the splendidly named Grimy Gutter Hags to Little Shunner Fell and then up again to Great Shunner Fell. This bit was the only section of the day where I could reasonably keep pace with the boy, in soft boggy sections having longer legs has a distinct advantage. As soon as we began the steeper and drier climb to the top of the fell I was back panting at the rear though.
 |
| Jo sat in the seat at Lovely Seat |
 |
| Field barn in Stock Dale |
Lunch was had at the shelter atop Great Shunner, then came down the Pennine Way into Thwaite, returning to the car up Cliff Gate Road, and what an epic bit of walking this was to be. Jo set the pace on the way back up, and like Alberto Contador he excels on the hills. The pace was brutal, we passed two other groups of hikers on the way, Jo flying past, me trailing in his wake with every movement of my head loosing drops of sweat, panting and gasping for breath. Almost three miles of 1 in 4 uphill walking and he doesn't slow down once except for a quick peek into the scary drops of the Butter Tubs themselves.
 |
| Jo enjoying a pint at the Farmer's Arms, Muker |
We drove into Muker for a pint of Muker Silver at the Farmer's Arms, but they were not serving food until later so we drove back down to Grassington and had a nice dinner at the Devonshire Hotel. A nice day's walking, but it is obvious we shall have to do a longer route next time, at the end of the day I collapsed onto the couch and fell asleep, Jo went off for an hour's badminton to run off the excess energy he had.
Crackerville In Da House!
Howdy Ho folks! Crackerville here. Some of you may know me by Wacky Cracky, or the Crackinator, or Sexy Cracky or my favorite, Crackerlicious. As you should recall, I was the featured guest on I’m With Stupid: The Sandwich Show episode. That was the day I set the internets on fire and Matt-Man and Jayman made me famous!
So, when Jayman suggested over on Twitter that maybe I could do a guest post for the IWS blog, I responded “I’m at your service!” Cause that’s just the sweet and thoughtful kind of girl I am. In fact, if you ever look at my Tumblr (WARNING: SOOOOO NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) you’ll see that I’m a very giving girl. Besides, I was one of the first I’m With Stupid Girls. So, I’ll do damn near anything for my boys.
Anyhoodle, I thought for my sure to be award-winning post here, I would go with a little stream of consciousness blogging. Let’s do this!
I love the internet. I’ve met so many amazing and interesting people here. If you read my Tumblr blog you’ll know what one of them is “Sir.” He’s really taught me to think outside the box. And put things inside MY box! As Matt-Man would say “Hey-OOOOO!”
Don’t look at my Tumblr if you’re super sensitive or easily offended. There aren’t too many people like that on the internet, except for a few mouthy bitches on Twitter who are obsessed with me. In general, I guess people with a stick up their butt shouldn’t be following me.
Branson, MO likes to call itself the “Entertainment Capital of America” but only because I’m here. I’m entertaining as hell baby!
I love the NFL. I especially love Peyton Manning. He better sign a new deal with the Colts and gets his hot ass out there playing. Man, that guy could send a play right through my five-hole anytime. Or drill one into my tight end. Or penetrate my defense. Or tell me to go DEEEEEEEEP! Or flicker my flea. Or run a power dive into my box. OR run a QB sneak up my middle. If you get my drift, and I think that you do. Eli can watch cause he’s kinda nice too.
I love summer cause I love to swim during the day and then grill out at night. And while we’re grilling I like to kick back and drink some Keystone Ice. I like Keystone cause it’s smooth like Keith Stone. Oh, and I might do a few shots of tequila every once in a while too. That’s when things really get wild! Woo-Hoo!
I quit smoking four months ago. Damn that was hard. I had to find a new hobby and deal with my oral fixation. Thank goodness I found Tubmlr and “Sir.” Of course, that candle wax burned like a motherfucker though. Maybe I shouldn’t have used cheapo candles form Walmart? But, that’s the cost of being an entertainer. You have to sacrifice for your craft. Amirite?
Boy, I sure could go for a roast beef sandwich right about now. No, not a RUSTY sandwich Matt-Man! I know what you were thinking.
Okay kids! That’s really all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll be back around someday in the future. But, even if I don’t, I know you’ll remember me forever. That’s what happens when you get Crackerfied!
And always remember kids. Crackerville loves you. <3
Team Jacob...If He Was A Lush
Supposedly this has no ties to Twilight or True Blood...but it's been described as "features an appropriate blood red color, sweet berry overtones, and just a bit of bitterness that make it a perfect companion for your fall activities." by the folks over at Uncrate.com...which makes it sound absolutely delicious to me! Here's to hoping it's on the shelves now and I don't have to wait until the leaves turn brown!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Anders Behring Breivik: Super Trouper
Jay…Matt-Man…IWS Readers…Everyone’s fave Dutch news hound, Guy Ahnyurdyck here with an update on the fanatic fjordian and homegrown Norwegian terrorist, Anders Behring Breivik.A cacophony of criminal profilers and psychiatric types have poured over his lengthy online manifesto in hopes of gaining insight in to what lead to this Madmanavian’s massacration of dozens of free-thinking youth on the isle of Utoya, and heathenistic Oslonians within the capital city of Norge.
Many have speculated that Breivik suffered from an over-zealous hatred of Muslims and was in his mind trying to keep Norway safe from dirty, non-bacon eating Muslims in the name of Christianity, but that theory was quickly blown out of the water by FOX News when they reported…
Christians do not kill out of hate!!
Upon hearing that report from FOX and Friends anchor, and Murrowesque journalist Steve Doocy, I knew it was up to me to fill the vacuum and discover the true reasoning and motive behind the shootings of one, Anders Behring Breivik, or as I refer to him…
The Killer Who is but One Initial Away from Being a One Man ABBA Band…
And that my friends is a fact of foreshadowing that illuminated the reasons behind the Ogre of Oslo going on a rampage.
Being the award-winning journalist that I am,
Breivik’s flat was littered with ABBA albums, ABBA posters, and ABBA news articles. Big deal you say?
It is a big deal because as this nose for the news noticed, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad’s vocals, pictures, and mentions among the Swedish supergroup’s paraphernalia were completely erased and/or marked out.
I also came across his diary and was truly touched by an entry from 1982 where he was immobilized by tears when ABBA broke up. He blamed the break-up on the one Norwegian in the band…
The lone non-Swede, the only non blue-eyed blonde, and the last “A” in the band ABBA, one Anni-Frid Lyngstad.
From that day forward, his diary became full of entries in reference to taking out his frustration of the break-up of ABBA on non-Scandinavian looking Norwegians, as well as one day singing Dancing Queen with Agnetha, Benny, and Bjorn.
And now, you see what I do…
Anders Behring Breivik is not a radical, right-wing Christian, hell bent on destroying Islam.
Anders is but a musical purist who merely wants to be the last “A” in ABBA.
Is that so wrong?
This is Guy Ahnyurdyck, tossing it back to you guys…on the website.
Put The Pen Down And Step Away
The results of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest are in! In case you aren't familiar with the annual award, the prize is given to the world's worst opening to an imaginary novel. It was named after Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton who write the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night".
Are you ready for the awesomeness that is the 2011 winner?!?!
drum roll please....
“Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.”
Sue Fondrie
Oshkosh, WI
Wow. The imagery...the power...the visions of shredded, bloody birds! It takes my breath away....ummm..not so much in the "What a gorgeous sight!" sort of way but more in the "For the love of god, get me out of this car before I puke!" sort of way...
Trust me, you're gonna wanna check out the runner's up.
2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
Some of my personal favorites:
Napoleon’s ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub.
John Doble
New York City
Veronica, two months pregnant and attempting to get her boyfriend to notice, and Ricky, who wanted to end things with his expansive girlfriend, sat at a table-for-two around lunchtime at the Olive Garden in Columbus, Ohio, eying the bottle of house rosé which, unbeknownst to them, doubled as the portal key to Khrysandelt: The land where everything glitters slightly more than normal.
Andrew Allingham
Fairfax, VA
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.
Ali Kawashima
Greensboro, NC
Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.
Patty Liverance
Grand Rapids, MI
Monday, July 25, 2011
My Indecent Proposal...
As you probably know, last week NFL owners voted to approve their own proposal and then held a press conference celebrating the fact that they agreed with what they had agreed to propose. It was all done in an attempt to force the players to quickly agree to the deal or risk losing the PR war with the fans.
Well, this gave me a great idea. I would like to publicly announce that I have agreed to my own proposal to have sex with Mila Kunis. Below are the details of the proposal that I have very generously made to Ms. Kunis:
- Mila will be allowed to choose between a tray of Kraft sharp cheddar cheese slices, Petit Jean Mountain summer sausage and Club Crackers, or a Digioro’s thin crust pepperoni frozen pizza for dinner. Great Value Vienna Sausages will also be available for snacking purposes if needed.
- There will be the choice of Charles Shaw (AKA: Two Buck Chuck) Pinot Grigio or Franzia Sunset Blush box wine, Jose Cuervo tequila and Dos Equis beer in the fridge and ready to be consumed.
- Room will be cooled to 69° F.
- Room will be completely dark with the exception the light from my clock radio and my Batman night light.
- The five disc CD player will be loaded with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Otis Redding CDs in that order and will be played from song one, disc one.
- The linens on my bed will be washed (twice) in All Allergy Free powder washing detergent and then dried using Gain fabric sheets. They will not be placed on the bed until one hour prior to Ms. Kunis’ arrival.
- Four-play will begin at exactly 8 pm CDT and will continue until 9:03 pm CDT.
- During four-play Ms. Kunis will wear nothing but a t-shirt and thong.
- Jayman will wear nothing but his boxers and has agreed to forgo the wearing of socks to bed.
- After a quick potty break and the opportunity for Ms. Kunis to slam a few more tequila shots, sexual intercourse will begin at 9:17 pm CDT and will last no less than seven and no more than twenty-seven minutes.
- After sexual intercourse has concluded there will be a period of cuddling to last between 11 and 53 minutes in which Jayman promises not to fall asleep.
- There will be four photographs allowed. 1. Jayman and Mila embarrassing in a warm hug upon her arrival. 2. Mila sitting on Jayman’s lap with her arm around Jayman’s neck and Jayman’s right hand on Mila’s thigh. 3. Mila and Jayman engaged in a loving, passionate kiss while lying on the bed. And 4. A very special post coital bliss photo of Jayman and Mila cuddling while nekkid.
- Jayman will be allowed to post a 500 word or less review of his night with Mila on the I’m With Stupid blog and on his Tumblr, but will use only two of the photos on each blog.
-Jayman also agrees to not discuss the encounter with Ms Kunis on the “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show as he agrees that his partner Matt-Man lacks the social graces to treat the entire encounter with the respect it deserves.
- Ms Kunis agrees to leave her thong and to allow Jayman to hang them from a nail above his bed. And from the rear view mirror in his car on weekends.
After reviewing this proposal thoroughly, Jayman has voted unanimously, 1-0, to approve this proposal and will begin making preparations for this wonderful event immediately upon Mila’s acceptance, which should happen promptly.
I should warn Ms Kunis though, that failure to accept this proposal expeditiously will result very bad PR for her and could cost her a lot of her support that she currently enjoys from people throughout the world. So, it is definitely in her best interest to not let this drag out very long.
I look forward to word of her acceptance of my proposal and promise to keep everyone updated.
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