Everything I Touch, I Destroy

Hola internet friends and bitches! So, on Friday Matt-Man talked a bit about that dark cloud that hangs over his life. I’m sure we can all relate as we all have strange and unsettling things that happen to us too. Maybe not as frequently, but at least on some level we have similar experiences.

Well, I’m here to tell you today that not only do I have a similar dark cloud hanging over my life, but it’s way worse! Seriously! See, instead of just having bad luck, I’m also very destructive. Hell, let’s just review what I’ve done in the last week alone.

I melted a colander. No really. I was making something in a toaster oven and didn’t realize I had set a handheld vegetable strainer on top of it. When I did notice the colander there, it was sitting at a weird angle. Turns out plastic melts on hot surfaces and leaves a sticky, gooey substance. Hell, anyone can burn something IN a toaster oven, but only I can burn something ON one.

The next day, I had a pot with some mixed vegetables warming up on the stove to go with dinner. I was washing something in the sink and when I turned around, the pot was almost fully engulfed in flames. Luckily I put that fire out without running any useful kitchen utensils.

Also, don’t worry that I was in danger of burning down the apartment building. My smoke detector was right there handy in a drawer in my bedroom. I put it in there because, well, I broke it taking it down one day.

Finally, my mother got one of these little chopper things. You know, you put whatever you want to chop up in the little container and push the plunger on top several times to push down blades to chop it up? Well, I was checking it out and pushed the plunger down a few times. On like the third push, the little guard around the blades fell off.

All that in only one week! Can you imagine the amount of damage I’ve done over the years? This is why I drink. If I stop drinking, I’ll sober up and have to come to grips with the reality of the long line of destruction I’ve left in my wake. I’m just not emotionally equipped to deal with such things.

Over the years have casually and without intent broken so many things. From machinery at various jobs, to household items, to electronics to vehicles, I’ve done damage to them all. Not to mention the number of people I’ve hurt with my insensitivity and lack of social skills. Only George W. Bush’s destruction of the economy can compare to the amount of shit I’ve fucked up. Hell, every time I upload a blog, I’m afraid I’ll break Blogger.

Can you imagine what might happen if I visit Matt and Schmoop up there in Bagwine? The convergence of his black cloud and my uber-destructive lifestyle might be more than anyone can imagine.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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In other news, we managed to do a Super Bowl Preview on I’m With Stupid on Saturday while only spending one minute on the game itself. We had the awesome Indy Andy Jones call in from Indianapolis and give us a Live, Local and Late-Breaking report from the scene. Then we talked food, prop bets, movies and other stuff before finally making a quick prediction as to who will win.

So, even though the game is over, you can still listen because our show was really more about the Super Bowl “experience” than the game itself. Cause neither of us cared much about the game. Anyway, thanks for listening and as always we really do appreciate your support and love each and every one of you guys!

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