I love The Onion. It’s one of the most brilliant, hysterical and subversive publications ever. I love it when the “mainstream media” picks up a satirical Onion piece and runs it at “real” news. I love it when elected officials refer to Onion articles while trying to scare the hell out of the voters.
My all-time favorite Onion headlines are:
"Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game."
And
"Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day"
So, even though I know I’ll never match their brilliance, I thought I would do some Onion-esqe headlines of my own…
Man says he was drugged and robbed by hooker. Describes her as “blond with big boobs.”
Lazy, inarticulate black writer resorts to racist Jeremy Lin puns.
Auburn QB threatens holdout during spring practice demanding raise and new contract.
Local man says he allows cheerleaders to hold car washes on his land only because he’s obsessed with clean cars.
Woman takes out Craigslist ad asking for someone to knock her up so she can start a mommy blog.
Stand-up comic says he didn’t realize he was supposed to be funny.
Mormon couple with no kids Photoshop children into family Christmas newsletter out of shame.
States begin exempting hot chicks from compulsory school attendance.
Man dies during flight. Airline classifies him as “luggage” and charges estate an extra $500.
White Supremacist forgets Rihanna is black, puts her songs on his iPod.
Prop comic loses gig after leaving entire act at his mother’s house.
Community stunned to find members of local punk rock band smoke pot.
Study finds all black men really do have natural ability to play bass guitar.
Area grandmother insists internet is a fad and will die off just like rock music did.
Nerf playground just not safe enough for local helicopter mom.
Shocking study finds eating low calorie, low fat foods along with exercising helps people lose weight.
God admits he tells people to run for office just to entertain himself.
Woman tries “mystery meat” at local deli and immediately regrets it.
High school student shunned for writing happy, uplifting poems.
Study shows television network executives have shit for taste.
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