Hola mysterious strangers out there! One of my favorite parts of the newspaper is the “missed connections” part of the personals section. There’s always some good entertainment there, and I’ve always got just a little bit of hope that one of them might be about me. This always ends in heartache, but I haven’t given up. Anyway, I thought I’d share some of the missed connection that I should have sent into the paper over the years.
- To the cool chick checking the Hunter S. Thompson books out at the library: Let’s do something decadent and depraved together.
- To the raven haired NBA fan with long legs and the San Antonio Spurs t-shirt buying six cans of Vienna Sausages at Dollar General: Let’s run the “Give and Go.”
- To the cutie wearing the knee high socks and has the pink stripes in her blond hair typing away on your laptop: Can I plug my USB in?
- To the saucy and sexy waitress at Waffle House: I’d like to scramble your eggs baby!
- You: Beautiful, sweet, wild and free. Me: Not so good looking, grumpy and set in my ways. Let’s see if opposites attract, shall we?
- There were two of you. A short blond and a tall brunette. Both play on the softball team at the local college. Let’s play two!
- I saw you in the convenience store paying for your gas and getting a newspaper. You’re a super cute, sweet Asian girl still wearing your shirt from work at Dragon King Restaurant. I was the nice guy buying the Pepsi and Ding Dongs who let you go first. I’d love to taste your Wonton Soup.
- I was the guy in the green t-shirt and ripped shorts who looked like a homeless dude heading to the pharmacy section to get something to deal with this excess ear wax problem. You were Redneck Woman in the tight Wranglers and cowgirl boots in the sporting goods area looking over fishing rods. Let me bait your hook for you babe.
- To the smoking, smoldering hot Mexican girl with dark eyes and bright smile: Let’s play Alamo. I’ll pretend to be the Alamo and you pretend to be Santa Anna and lay siege to me for 13 straight days.
- To the very sharp looking lady in the business dress conducting an important business call on her cell phone while in line at McDonalds: JESUS CHRIST LADY! GET OFF THE GOD-DAMMED PHONE AND GIVE THE GIRL YOUR ORDER AND GET OUT OF EVERYONE’S WAY! WE’RE ALL BUSY TOO YOU RUDE BITCH!
(Hey, they can’t all be about love and sex!)
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In other news, on I’m With Stupid Matt-Man and Jayman held a good old fashioned, yet lighthearted bitch session on Sunday’s show. We talked about things that are getting on our nerves and some things, and people, who are straight up pissing us off. Listen and then let us know if you agree, or think we’re just grumpy middle-aged men.
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