Mitt Romney: Austerity is Another Word for Paradise

Hola y’all! Mitt Romney here! I’m fresh off my spectacular victory in the Florida primary last night. I racked up 47% of the vote which is an amazing coincidence because not only have I changed my stance on 47% of the issues we’ve discussed so far, but if you use “Mitt Math” I paid 47% of my income in taxes last year. Only a truly great American such as myself would pay that much.

I just wanted to let everyone know where we go from here. And, I’ll do it while reading from notes printed out by a member of my staff like a real American would not off a teleprompter like an America-hating Christian-bashing loser would. And, I’ll do it while staying positive and not engaging in any name calling like secret Muslims who wants to destroy everything great about America would.

Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short. I’ve got my dog tied up to a fence outside with a six inch leash and it’s raining heavily. But, he can take it. And, speaking of how much I love my dog and other animals, I want to address some scurrilous things that have been said about me lately.

Chief among these is that somehow, I’m being presented as someone who looks down on people who haven’t worked hard like I have to make myself into something from nothing and are much less successful than me. Worst of all, these people are claiming that I hate poor people! Now this really hurts. I don’t hate poor people. Everyone who works for me is poor. And, I love all of them dearly.

If you look at my record in that state I was governor of that I won’t actually name because it’s a very liberal state that follows very liberal policies and has low unemployment, almost universal healthcare and best in the nation schools. I’m opposed to ALL of the policies that resulted in all those good numbers, even if they were mine. But, I do want to point out that as governor I passed a plan that resulted in poor people having access to healthcare.

A plan that was so damn good, that President Obama used it as the model for ObamaCare. And, as president, I’ll repeal that bill. After repeal people with preexisting conditions will immediately be tossed off their insurance plans and all those poor people who were about to have access to insurance no longer will. Trust me these people will be so much happier this way. Honestly, it’s a matter of pride for most of them.

Folks, I keep saying that this is a battle for the Soul of America. I know it’s a strange thing for someone with no soul to say, but I really do believe it. I just honestly think we can do so much better. We can return America to greatness! We can make our military great again! We can slash taxes on everybody except working people! We can cut all this ridiculous spending on lazy-ass people who are just living off government handouts! And by cutting taxes dramatically, especially on rich people, and raising defense spending big time, we will of course, balance the budget.

And what’s really great about it folks, is that it will be painless. We can do it all without one bit of sacrifice on your part. All you have to do is just kick back and let the greatness happen. How awesome is that? Obama promises nothing but pain and sacrifice. He thinks Americans should do silly things like “work together” and “take care of each other” and other bullpoop ideas. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, it just doesn’t have to be that way.

Won’t it be wonderful when I, Mitt Romney, am president and you no longer have any responsibilities? Won’t it be wonderful when nothing is expected of you? Yes it will.

Austerity is just another word for paradise.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

What is in Mitt Romney's Tax Returns?

Hola Bitches! As you have probably heard, GOP presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney has so far refused to release his tax returns. He’s being pretty heavily criticized for this, but I think he has some good reasons. I mean, just think about all the vicious attacks he will face from left-wing, pink-o, OWS-loving socialists like Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich. It will be their attacks on Romney’s tenure at Bain Capital on steroids!

Of course, we all already know that Mitt makes a lot of money. But, despite that, we also know that he’s a man of the people. Being the Chief Investigative Candidate Tax Return Reporter for I’m With Stupid, I have found some things in Mr. Romney’s tax returns that he would rather the world not find out about. Of course, I have an ethical and moral obligation to list them here …

- He declares Tim Pawlenty as a dependent.
- Sends $20 home to his family in Mexico every other week.
- Is addicted to buying things for the kitchen on QVC.
- Donated 2,000 “I’m Pro-Choice and I Vote” t-shirts from his old senate campaign to Goodwill.
- Is classified as a compact for import tax purposes, but an SUV for fuel mileage requirements.
- Lists job title as “BAMF”
- Deducted $34,922.31 in hair products as “work supplies.”
- Deducted $7,819.85 in tuition at the Machiavellian School of Politics as campaign expenses.
- Claims that he gets paid in “Envy Dollars.” 
- Lists home state as Massachusetts, Utah, California and Michigan.
- Deducted $54,989.59 for severance pay for “Losers I Fired.”
- Deducted $38,522.49 for service of “Romney 2012 CPU” to keep candidate functioning.
- Bought 3,552 wedding gifts for family members last year.
- Deducted $17.22 for “Moose or Elk or WhatTheHellEver Hunting Expenses”
- Deducted $1,944.38 for “Dog Grooming Expenses.”

And of course, this was all on income of only $7,322,698.03 which just barely gets him into the middle class. We will soon find out that Willard pays somewhere around 15% in federal income taxes. Just like all the rest of the average everyday folks do. And, looking over these expenses, I can see why Willard wants to keep it under wraps. God only knows what else other investigative reporters with bigger budgets might uncover.

But, when they do, please don’t let them give all the credit for breaking this story wide op to someone at CNN or the Washington Post or some crappy fake news organization like that. Please help me remind them who it was who did all the dirty work here and I deserve the credit. Thanks in advance.