Mitt Romney 2012: K's Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. Here We Come!!

Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

I am on cloud nine today, because I found out that this Sunday June 17th, Fathers’ Day no less, GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney will be visiting the greater Bagwine, Ohio area during his Every Town Counts bus tour.

Yes indeed my friends, Mitt Romney will be stopping in Troy, OH. this Sunday to meet and greet regular type folk at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, which, conveniently, is located but a mere 25 minutes west of the palatial digs here in Bagwine, OH.

I can’t wait to see Mitt up close, personal, and raw as both sides of his mouth envelop a greasy, handmade burger, topped with cheese, lettuce, pickle, mayo, and mustard and carefully and artfully placed lovingly within the inviting confines of a warm, soft bun.

He will look like one of us…So real, so open, so blue-collar and with a twinkle in his eye as he wipes the grease from his honest lips with a linen napkin that his staff provided, and overcome by the new experience, Romney will say in a non-threatening, yet for him, a quasi-effervescent sorta way…

“Was that really ground beef that I just appropriated into my body?  I have never had ground beef in my life, but as they say…when in Troy, do like the Trojans!!”

The men will cheer…the boys will shout…the ladies they will all come out, and we’ll all be gay when Romney comes munching home.

Hell, even his traveling campaign partners in crime will cave to the emotion of the moment.  House Speaker John Boehner will sob out of sheer joy, and the always effusive and ebullient Sen. Rob Portman will nearly smirk in delight.

And what will I do, when I see that the aforementioned description actually never happens due to the fact that all the folks referenced in my brief piece of uber-fiction are truly boring as Hell?

I’m going after Romney.  Why you ask?

Because Romney has no soul, no passion, no big ideas other than becoming President because he, “wants to.”

Most importantly, I find him insufferable because he has no sense of humor.  I could never vote for anyone who lacks a sense of humor, and Romney?  The man wouldn’t recognize a punchline if he hizzelf was the damn punchline.

However, I, being a zeitgeist of vast philanthropic concern, I am going to help Mitt Romney by attacking him in a profoundly personal and physical way.

The Mittster is going down at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. on Sunday June 17th at the hands, or rather, the handshake of the Matt-Man.

Damn right folks.

I am going to squeeze through the line of turgid, Protestant, grain-fed, gawking Miami County Republicans, sneak past his less than attentive Secret Service detail, wade through the sea of Boehner’s tears, glide past the empty stare of Sen. Portman,  and then I will shake the hand of one mild manner Mitt Romney, and say unto his sapless self…

“I’m Matt-Man Bitch, and now?  So…Are…You.”

And with those words and our handshake, part of my wild and carefree personality will be transferred to Mitt through a little-known process that only I posses…a process known as, Transdermal Personality Enhancement.

Don’t believe me?  Ha!!  Wait and see folks, in fact…

When you are watching TV after June 17th, all of Mitt Romney’s new campaign ads will end with the Mittster saying this…

“I’m Mitt Romney Bitch, and I approved this motherfucking message.”

Republican, Democrat, or Swedish Nazi, it matters not to me.  I am merely here to help all of mankind and I feel that Mitt should have the opportunity to experience the excitement of having a personality before he dies.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Arkansas Democrat Gazette...Here's To David Sumrell

I would like to say a few words about a Letter to the Editor that appeared in your Arkansas Democrat Gazette dated April 25, 2012 by one, David Sumrell.

I know to you, I may be a Yankee, but as a resident of southwest Ohio where my congressman will soon happen to be Speaker of the House John Boehner, I think I can relate to your region and your local communities.

In my neck of the woods, we do have, Wall Street types, limousine liberals, and self-important ninnies, yet the majority of us are mainly middle of the road corn and bean farmers, factory workers, and families of other means getting by paycheck to paycheck, just like many of  you fine folks in Arkansas.

And yet, I am pixilated by a comment set forth in the aformentioned Letter to the Editor...

Mr. Sumrell stated, and I quote:

“The granting of the vote to women was the time women first began to get out of their places and God-given roles as housewives and Queens of their homes.”

Mr. Summrel goes on to blame a woman’s right to vote on what he considers the, “moral mess of busted families” in America.

He further states that when women got the right to vote, that they became “Jezebels”, evidently through the black magic that comes along with the wearing of short hair and the donning of men’s clothes.

That’s right.  Mr. Sumrell says that…

Women began to go against God’s will and sense of style in the hair and clothes department, because their suffrage attempts succeeded, but…

I’m thinking perhaps, women began to sport short hair and wear less burdensome clothing, due to the humidity of the Arkansas (or in my case, Ohio) summers.

While I am amused by the remarks of David Sumrell of Springdale to be amusing, I also find them quite ironic, and in that sense, not amusing by any means.

You see…Sumrell blames many of the challenges and current ills facing our great nation on a certain group, in this case, women.

What he fails to see is that America’s current problems are not the product of the actions by any one group, other than one…

The American people themselves, who sit idly by and watch politicians whom they complain about, make decisions on which American people agree and/or disagree based upon a concisely edited sound byte which fits their ideology.

Women like Molly Pitcher, Dolly Madison, Clara Barton, Susan B. Anthony, Sally Ride, Condaleeza Rice, Hillary Clinton, and voting women aren’t what is wrong with America, Mr. Summrel.

You, or more specifically, your mind set, and the mind set of many of our legislators, are exactly what is wrong with America today.

And what exactly is that problem?

You and others blame our nation’s challenges on a specific group of people, along with the inability to separate ideology and political upward mobility from doing what is right in order to help put our great nation back on track.

While I know, judging by your letter to the editor, that you would prefer for "your woman" to cook and clean for you, I'm thinking that maybe she needs to think for you as well, because man…

You obviously haven’t had an original thought since the Stone Age.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Enough With the Men Crying in Public

Hola you super sensitive weepy types out there! My friends, there is a disturbing trend that has been growing for a few years, but really appears to gaining even more steam in America. Something that sends shivers down my spine and I think puts our very safety and independence at risk. What is that trend, you ask?

Men hugging each other and crying in public.

Dick Vermeil is one of the best NFL coaches of all time. His teams were always competitive, disciplined and tough to beat. He also has a brilliant offensive mind which led the St. Louis Rams to become Super Bowl XXXIV champions. He is universally loved by his players and pretty much everyone who has ever crossed paths with him. Dick was also a tremendous football analyst who was wonderful at breaking down the game for the viewers. Vermeil had only one flaw: He would tear up and begin weeping like an overly dramatic teenage girl over almost anything even close to touching.

Speaker of the House John Boehner is another one who turns into a pathetic puddle of tears anytime he or someone else makes up a bullshit heartwarming story about kids or puppies or kittens. Come on! This man is second in line to the Presidency and he can’t control his emotions any better than a toddler who is bawling because his mommy took the bottle of cleaning liquids that he was trying to drink away from him. Don’t you think it’s a problem that a man so emotional could be so close to being the leader of the free world? I certainly do.

And then on Sunday the world was once again witness to another blubbering American man hugging another man and crying in his arms (and then his mommy’s) as Bubba Watson won the Masters Golf Tournament. At the peak of this career, the absolute zenith of his profession, the guy celebrates his win by turning into a bawling mess right there in front of the whole world. Apparently, Bubba thinks the fact that he’s a “daddy” means that he shouldn’t hold it together long enough to get inside, away from the crowds and the cameras before breaking down. What a truly embarrassing display.

You know, earlier today I co-hosted another great episode of I’m With Stupid with Matt-Man. The show was, as always, crisp, clean, funny and above all else, professional. But, I did that show while in terrible pain and feeling like pure crap. Did I start bawling as soon as the show was over? HELL NO! After I mentioned that I was hurting did I start weeping into the microphone and say I needed a hug? Again, HELL NO! Nope, I sucked it up and carried on as always. And, despite the pain and discomfort, I was still able to make a timely and funny rotary phone joke COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS!

Recently when Matt-Man was suffering from a terrible cold, did he miss any shows? Nope. Did he break down into tears and say he didn’t think he could take it anymore or not finish the show? Again, HELL NO! He, like me today, manned up and marched right through those shows with a minimum of complaints and absolutely no crying or the need of a hug from another man.

All of this is due to more than just being professionals. And it’s more than the old adage “There’s no crying in internet radio.” The reason Matt-Man and I soldiered through is because we’re MEN. And Men don’t cry in public dammit!

So let’s stop all the crying and weeping and super sensitive boo-hooing over every little thing men. Women and children can get away with looking weak in public, but not men. Suck it up boys.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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Speaking of our “Easter Extravaganza” on I’m With Stupid. It was, as I mentioned, outstanding. Where else are you going hear people talking about Doubting Thomas, what an arrogant jerk St. Peter is, John Tesh, Jose Marti, Ozzie Guillen, Rotary Phone Sound Effects, a brilliant performance of “The Resurrection” and an endearing “Pee Break with Schmoop” segment all in one show? Nowhere, that’s where! So check it out… 

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