Onion-Like Headlines

I love The Onion. It’s one of the most brilliant, hysterical and subversive publications ever. I love it when the “mainstream media” picks up a satirical Onion piece and runs it at “real” news. I love it when elected officials refer to Onion articles while trying to scare the hell out of the voters.

My all-time favorite Onion headlines are:

"Special Olympics T-ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game."

And

"Dog Experiences Best Day Of His Life For 400th Consecutive Day"

So, even though I know I’ll never match their brilliance, I thought I would do some Onion-esqe headlines of my own…

Man says he was drugged and robbed by hooker. Describes her as “blond with big boobs.”

Lazy, inarticulate black writer resorts to racist Jeremy Lin puns.

Auburn QB threatens holdout during spring practice demanding raise and new contract.

Local man says he allows cheerleaders to hold car washes on his land only because he’s obsessed with clean cars.

Woman takes out Craigslist ad asking for someone to knock her up so she can start a mommy blog.

Stand-up comic says he didn’t realize he was supposed to be funny.

Mormon couple with no kids Photoshop children into family Christmas newsletter out of shame.

States begin exempting hot chicks from compulsory school attendance.

Man dies during flight. Airline classifies him as “luggage” and charges estate an extra $500.

White Supremacist forgets Rihanna is black, puts her songs on his iPod.

Prop comic loses gig after leaving entire act at his mother’s house.

Community stunned to find members of local punk rock band smoke pot.

Study finds all black men really do have natural ability to play bass guitar.

Area grandmother insists internet is a fad and will die off just like rock music did.

Nerf playground just not safe enough for local helicopter mom.

Shocking study finds eating low calorie, low fat foods along with exercising helps people lose weight.

God admits he tells people to run for office just to entertain himself.

Woman tries “mystery meat” at local deli and immediately regrets it.

High school student shunned for writing happy, uplifting poems.

Study shows television network executives have shit for taste.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Jeremy Lin, Jason Whitlock and Political Correctness

Hola internet peeps of any and all ethnicity, gender, religion or sexual orientation.  

If you’re not an NBA fan you might not know about Linsanity that is sweeping the nation. It’s the over the top amazement that little known, undrafted Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks is suddenly destroying everyone he plays against. I have to admit, I got caught up in it too while he was in the process of 38 Lintastic points on the Lakers.

Jeremy Lin is Chinese-American. Why is this important? Well, because he’s an Asia dude, and Harvard grad no less, playing in the NBA. If he were black or white, it would be a nice story, but he wouldn’t be considered a Phenom. And, there wouldn’t be stereotypical Asian jokes made at his expense either. On Friday night Twitter was overflowing with them. But one … AND ONLY ONE … has people OMG OUTRAGED! And, it was by none other than good old Jason Whitlock…

Get it? Asian guys have small penises. Funny, no? It’s not? Actually, it is. Come on, admit it, you’ve made the Asian dude has a small penis joke too. Maybe not on Twitter, because if you did it on Twitter you couldn’t pretend to be super sensitive never made a joke based on racial stereotypes guy when other people do.

Yeah, I get it, you hate Whitlock. You hate his schtick. His act gets old with you. He’s a troll. Whatever. You say Whitlock is a “racist” who screams “racism all the time” but then tweets “racist” remarks. But, that’s not true. Jason Whitlock only screams racism when there isn’t any racism to be found. And when there is real, legitimate racism? He defends what is said. THAT’S his schtick. You can hate it, and him, but please at least get it right.

In fact, I dare say that anyone who makes the claim that Whitlock “screams racism all the time” is actually, just applying their racist belief that all black people scream racism all the time.

Also stop taking Twitter, Tumblr, Blogs, Facebook and YOURSELF so damn seriously people. Lighten up. There’s a huge difference between making jokes based on racial stereotypes and saying “I have absolutely nothing against African-Americans. … I just hate Niggers!” As someone I know did last week. Now THAT’S racism!

We all make jokes based on stereotypes all the time. Whether it is about whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, men, women, fat people, and people from a particular region of the country and on and on, we’ve all made these jokes. You can’t be offended by one, but laugh at others. It’s all or nothing. Take one side or the other and stick to it.

So, the stereotype is that Asian dudes have small penises. Is that such a bad thing to have to live with? I haven’t seen any Asian dudes naked, so I can’t comment on this personally. But, look at it from Whitlock’s point of view. He’s black. The stereotype for black dudes is that they all have HUGE cocks. Which stereotype is easier to live with?

If you’re an Asian guy who has an average sized cock, and women expect it to be much smaller, they’ll never be disappointed. But, if you’re a black guy and you have a teeeeeny-weeny wee-wee, think of the emotional problems that would cause knowing that every woman would be disappointed with him?

See Asian guys? Sometimes stereotypes can actually be turned into a positive.

*EDIT* Jason Whitlock was browbeat and shamed by the ninnies and crybabies into issuing an apology for being a human being and engaging in the very same activity that 90% of the people bitching engage in all the time.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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In other and somewhat related news, if you missed out Celebration of Boobiess this weekend on I’m With Stupid

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