Hola highly trained assassins! I was sitting here drinking a less than satisfying Pepsi Next and started thinking about how easy it would be for someone to kill me if they wanted to. I’m a pretty easy target and not the most elusive guy and I’m pretty much on a regular schedule. So, I started thinking about some of the easy ways someone could kill me.
- I go outside to get the newspaper at pretty much the same time every day. That would be another chance to take me out with a high powered rifle with a sniper scope.
- I really love dogs and you could probably send your killer dog up to me and I would try to pet it then WHAM-O! He could go right for the jugular. This would be pretty painful and messy though.
- I’m deathly allergic to mangoes. If you’re looking to kill me just slip some mango into my morning orange juice and tequila and you’ll probably be successful.
- I go to the mailbox on Wednesdays and Saturdays at around 12 noon both days. This would be yet another golden opportunity for someone to pick me off.
- I guess, since I live on the ground floor, you could probably just blast away at me through my bedroom window at around 4 am when I’m very likely to in bed.
- If that’s too late, I watch M*A*S*H every night at 10:30 and you could get me through the window of my bedroom if you position yourself properly to get the angle necessary since my chair is in the corner in front of the closet.
- Speaking of my closet, I haven’t a clue what all is in there and you could easily hide there until the perfect time. Like when I’m watching M*A*S*H or Craig Ferguson.
- I go to Aldi every Tuesday at 10:30. The parking lot isn’t usually too full and you could set up on the roof of one of the many buildings around the store.
- My sister almost killed me with sushi once by failing to tell me not to overdo it with the wasabi. Honestly though, this one is probably a long shot and should be used only as a last resort.
- I’m not in very good shape so anything you could do to make me run would probably work. I’d keel over pretty quickly and you could just casually walk away.
- I sing Adele songs in the shower so I would never hear you sneaking up on me Psycho style.
- I really love dogs and you could probably send your killer dog up to me and I would try to pet it then WHAM-O! He could go right for the jugular. This would be pretty painful and messy though. - I don’t walk all that fast and am usually pretty oblivious to my surroundings so if you saw me around town you could probably take me out even if you weren’t totally prepared.
- I live on the backside of the building and can’t see my car from my apartment. It would be fairly easy to put a bomb under my engine and blow me up when I start it up in the mornings.
- If you need to distract me to set me up, just send a woman with great legs wearing a short skirt past me. I’ll be too busy trying to be subtle while checking her out to notice the guy with the gun.
- Or just send a Ninja after me. You know how Asian women get me all discombobulated.
So, as you can see, if someone put a hit out on me, it would probably be easy money. The only thing I ask is that you make it quick and as painless as possible. A good head shot is always appreciated.
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In other news it’s Romney vs Obama in the general election so Matt-Man and I broke it all down for everyone today on IWS. Matt gave us his prediction of a rather unconventional win by Mitt Romney by the thinnest of electoral margins. Then we predicted who would be Romney’s running mate. After that it was hilarity as we launched a few Molotov Mocktails!
So, check it out!
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