Some Things Are Coming Less Easily To Matt

Cheers and suck my Schwedy balls people…

Ha actually, I don’t want you to do that, because it wouldn’t be good for either of us, but...

Man, it was hot.

In fact, I worked Friday and all Saturday at the Beer Mine, and it was 101 on Friday and 103 on Saturday.

And, because people are incredibly stupid, I wrote this directive:

Most people who actually saw the sign, laughed, and gave me a dollar, but as you know…I hate that, and as I am all about excellent customer service, and the sign was, well…funny….

I’ll take a dollar where I can get it, because while I am upright, I am also, destitute and unworthy…would you please…contribute…to a boy…like me?  Anyhoo…

When I wrote the, don’t ask how hot it is sign, I thought of a few other sayings I don’t want to hear, and which although gladly accepted in our culture, are completely stupid.  Annnnnnd, here they are bitches…

Easy Come, Easy Go… No…It was not easy to get her to COME marry me, and it is even harder to get her to GO and divorce me.

You Must Have a Kink in your Neck…What the hell is a kink?  Is it Ray Davie?  Did he get stuck in the bicycle chain of my fucking neck?  I don’t understand.

Plurals on Names…I hate that, and it sounds worse when I hear people say, “your Benito Mussolinis”,  “your Adolf Hitlers“, “your stupid people who evidently don’t know that these people are SINGULAR!!”

My A/C is ON THE FRITZ…What, who, and/or where is the damn FRITZ?  I understand that the FRITZ is not good, but could someone tell me what the who, what, or where the FRITZ is?

Ain’t Nothing but a Thing…What the hell is that?  That has to be the stupidest phrase I have ever heard. It makes no sense, other than that it is typically uttered by black people, and then the laziness of the phrase comes together.  Fucking lazy English speakers.

Do You Have dem Fitty Cent Juices?  Ha…No we don’t…Sure you do the people say, they’re right there.  Oh, I say, those are called Big Hugs and they don’t sell for “Fitty Cent“, dumbass.  Well gimme one uv dem.  Me?  Oy.

I like to speak and write colloquially, but I also respect the language when I am typing something serious.  Others, and well, many, don’t feel the same…they speak whatever they want anytime.

I like the English language.

I like to make the English language my bitch.

Unfortunately, many younger people like to make the English a second language.

Yeah, I’m an old man I guess, but if hating young people bastardizing the English language makes me old…I can live with that.

And kiddies...Jayman and Matt-Man talked to Carrie Welch yesterday...They talked about her days on the Food Network and what she is doing now at Little Green Pickle to hear it all, play on:

Matt Said, Jay Said XLV

Matt _  ._ ._.. _._ … Jay _  ._ ._.. _._ …  You, ._.. .. … _ . _.

Matt:  Hello?
Jay:  Yo Dawg?
Matt:  Did you just say, “Yo dawg?”
Jay:  Yeah, I’m trying to be more hip and down with urban sub-cultures.
Matt:  Well, stop it.
Jay:  Word.

Matt:  Big show this Sunday, so maybe we should take notes during this call.
Jay:  I always take notes during our Thursday call.
Matt:  What are you saying?
Jay:  That you don’t.
Matt:  And you would be correct.  I’ll have Schmoop take my notes.
Jay:  Good idea, wouldn’t want you to have to strain yourself.
Matt:  I don’t multi-task well…My idea of multi-tasking is taking a crap and reading the comics at the same time.

Jay:  So…the lovely and talented Carrie Welch, formerly of the Food Network will be on our show Sunday at Noon ET, how do we approach this?
Matt:  We have to grow up and be mature.
Jay:  And quickly
Matt:  We are professionals.  We can do this.
Jay:  Well, I know I can.
Matt:  What are you saying?
Jay:  That perhaps you probably need to work at it.
Matt:  And you would be correct.  I’ll have Schmoop school me in this area.
Jay:  Good idea.

Matt:  Carrie is going to be a great guest…all talented and funny and what not.
Jay:  I know; she’ll add to our show what it has sorely been lacking.
Matt: What are you saying?
Jay:  That sometimes our show isn’t all that funny.
Matt:  I know, and I blame that on the audience.
Jay:  Uh-huh.

Matt:  Anyhoo…We will dish it with the lovely Ms, Welch Sunday at Noon ET, and get the dirt on the chefs of the Food Network, and talk about her amazing journey that she is now upon..
Jay:  It’s gonna be huge!!
Matt:  It’s gonna be Yum-O!!
Jay:  It’s gonna go, BAM!!

Matt:  BAM?  What are you saying?
Jay:  That I’ll do fine with Carrie and you’ll fall on your face.
Matt:  And you would be correct.  Damn it; I knew it.  Really?
Jay:  Nooooooo, it was a reference to Emeril Lagasse, ya goof.
Matt:  Oh….Who’s that?
Jay:  Oh boy!!
Matt:  I think we’re good to go.
Jay:  Damn right.

So catch Jayman and Matt-Man live with Carrie Welch at Noon ET Sunday July 8th on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, the three of them will be dishin’ a smorgasbord of fun.

Carrie Welch...The Little Green Pickle That Could

Cheers food lovers!!

Guess what is happening this Sunday July 8th live at Noon ET on the I’m With Stupid Radio Show?

Jayman and I will be chatting with the lovely, talented, and Yum-O Carrie Welch for the entire IWS Radio show which airs beginning at High Noon ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Oh sure, you may not know Carrie Welch off hand, or directly, but let me tell ya…

Carrie worked for the Food Network for ten years, and ultimately became VP of Public Relations (and other duties as assigned), and wound up putting together shows based around renown chefs such as…

Rachel Ray, Bobby Flay, Alton Brown, Paula Deen, Ina Garten, and of course the Ace of Cakes hizzelf, Duff Goldman.

If you love food, the Food Network, and culinary celebs, you’ll love this show.

In 2010, Carrie made like a walking taco and on a paper plate smelling of an illiterate American’s interpretation of what Mexican food should be and taste like, adios-ed the Food Network, and along with some pretty sexy help (judging by the profile pictures of the team on her website), began her own company, Little Green Pickle.

At the Portland-based Little Green Pickle, Carrie continues to help chefs, restaurants, and community organizations be all that they can be through her experience in television, public relations, and social media.

Carrie also has a large and loving hand in working with Feast Portland, a festival that takes place September 20-23, which benefits the organizations, Partners for a Hunger Free Oregon, and Share Our Strength.

Carrie Welch has accomplished a lot and will certainly accomplish much more as she is only at the tender age of…?

Well we don’t know…and it doesn’t matter, because we know judging by her picture she is a helluva lot younger than either Jayman or I, and sadly, has accomplished much more than both of us combined in her young life.

In fact, maybe Jayman and I, after doing our show with Carrie Welch will do a show about our faults, misgivings, and failures.  It would be a perfect lead in.  Good God, I am always thinking.  But I digress…

Anyway, Ms. Welch has done and continues to do many wonderful things in her life involving the food and culinary industry, and on top of that?

Simply through a few emails with her, and a comment on the IWS website from her, we know that she is full of BAM, Awesome Sauce, and Yum-O.  So…

This Sunday, tell everyone whom you know to be a fooodie or just enjoy happy people, that Carrie Welch will be on IWS live at Noon ET on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Always happy hosts, and what appears to be an uber-happy and knowledgeable guest, is a recipe for a great show.

In the meantime…

Jayman and I had one helluva Independence Day Celebration on IWS Radio yesterday…Smack me on the ass and call me Paul Revere’s horse.  We rocked Independence Hall yesterday.  And if you missed it, you can catch it all in archives right here:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man 
neshobadude@yahoo.com 
@mattmaniws

IWS...Hatin' the Haters...and Lookin' for Some Facebook Love of Our Own.

Hiya Chuckleheads!!

Matt-Man here, and yes, I know, we usually do MSJS on Saturdays, but I have a few housekeeping items I would like to cover in regards to the IWS website and radio show.

First of all, Jayman and I would like to thank Carrie Welch, the former VP of Public Relations of The Television Food Network for commenting on Thursday’s post, a post which included a quasi-real, albeit not exactly true replication of what she most definitely did not actually say to Jayman in reference to his Wednesday post about how The Food Network these days, pretty much sucks.

Ms. Welch actually finds us funny and intimated in her comment that she would like to be a guest on our show sometime, which we would truly enjoy.

Let’s just hope that the lovely and fun-loving Ms. Welch’s remark is more truthful than the letter I wrote in her name.  But seriously, it was very nice of her, and we will beg her to be on work on scheduling her for a show in the very near future.

Secondly…

Did you know that IWS Radio has a Facebook Page?  No, we really do, it’s true!!  And…

156 of you adorable heathens know that, however…

Many of you have not “liked” our IWS Facebook Page.  In a word?  That’s just not right.

I mean c’mon…Everyday, either on the website and/or the radio twice a week, we provide you with quality entertainment at a fair price, and what do we get in return?

A mere 156 likes on our FB page and a whole lotta heartache.  It pains me to tell you that being the manly men that Jayman and I are, we sometimes cry over that fact, but….we do.

We’re only human, folks…and we yearn for your love, or in this case…your “like.”

Hell tell your friends to “like” us; you don’t even have to yourself, if you get them to do it for you.  Hell, we’re not picky.

Merely click on the IWS RADIO FACEBOOK PAGE and like us.  Yes, it’s that easy.

If the lovely Carrie Welch can take the time to comment on our website and offer to be on our radio show, you can take the time to like us two moronic, yet affable fellas on our Facebook page…..

Please?

And while we will work to schedule the lovely Ms. Welch for a soonly future show, this Sunday on IWS Radio live at Noon ET, Jayman and I will be scouring away all the hate from life and social media.

Man…cat fights, loud neighbors, bluntness beyond on belief…It was a hate-filled week, and we will be calling the haters out and try to bring peace and serenity to the world.

To catch us live Sunday at Noon ET…Click HERE for the Haters Gonna Hate II show on IWS on Blog Talk Radio.

Until then, this is the always loving, and not-a-hate-filled bone-in-my-body, Matt-Man bidding you…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

The Food Network...A Rebuttal by Carrie Welch

Dear Mr. Jason Adams,

It has come to my attention via the slow roasted goodness of the internet that you may or may not be happy with our buffet of more than flavorful shows.

I received a tasty e-mail yesterday which provided my palette with a link to your deliciously funny and obviously tongue-in-sushi on the cheek take on the Food Network, delightfully titled, The Food Network Sucks.

Oh sure you call us pretentious where food is concerned but we always have an appetite for a laugh or two as when Alton Brown referred to a Cornish game hen as a, “chicken who obviously smoked at a young age…”

Ha!!  So funny.  Oh that Alton!!

Alton can bull’s-eye a punchline just as adroitly as he can stuff a bird with a mixture of winter wheat, sorghum sugar, and his very own, Alton Sauce de la Ego which you can purchase online for $19.95 per dram. He is that good.

I could tell through the less-than-seasoned layers of your post, that you harbor some ill-will toward us.

Perhaps it’s because you are an amateur cook, and don’t recognize that we are trying to not only inform less than professional cooks as to how to make a good meal, but want to help you to realize that what the Food Network recognizes as good food, is what you should be eating.

And the recipes of what you should be eating are not only available on our daily 24/7cable shows, but available on CD-ROM and book form at our Food Network site, which you can access by clicking, The Food Network.

We can always quibble as to the likeability of Guy Fieri…the hotness of Giada de Laurentiis, or the annoyance level of one fat ass, Rachel Ray.

What is not open for debate is the culinary pleasure, the palatability of our shows, and the amount of quality entertainment at a fair price that we to offer you, the cable TV consumer.

Jason, we respect your comments and will indeed set up focus groups in order to determine the level of agreement of your remarks amongst our general viewers, and determine the efficacy of your rantings may or may not have amongst our primary 30-50 year old, upscale demographic, but we will do it mainly because…

To make sure you are not batshit crazy, giving us the business, and because we here at the Food Network figure that 30 Minute Meals are what people like…Triple D with Guy is a guilty pleasure if only for the food, and Giada’s tits are not only watchable, but in keeping with our network theme, edible as well, and we think we have a successful formula, yet always looking to improve as well….we will take a second look at your concerns.

We appreciate you taking the time to address our programming scheduling and will be in touch with your law firm you soon.

Sincerely,
Carrie Welch
VP of Public Relations of the Television Food Network

*****************************************************

Nice to get Carrie’s letter and also…

Yesterday Jayman and Matt-Man made people smile and brightened the internet airwaves as they had another stellar IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.  If you missed them making fun of Mitt Romney and Adam Corolla, you can catch it all right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com