2012 Summer of Love Horoscope

Happy Summer's Eve all you tan Cupids and sun-splashed Aphrodites out there!!

This is IWS Astrologer and Prophetess, Lana Jouráy here with your 2012 Summer of Love Horoscope.

I have read all the tea leaves, eyed every star, and studied all the chicken entrails in my backyard in order to give you a look into what will happen to you in regards to this upcoming sun and funtastic Summer 2012.

Let’s get to it; shall we, my at long last love and hopeful ones?

We shall...

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As a purist when it comes to cooking out, you have always had “a thing” against gas grills, and during the Fourth of July cookout at your neighbor's house, you will discover that gas grills have always had “a thing” against you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Albeit briefly, you finally fulfill your dream of seeing the Grand Canyon up close and personal when your flight from Phoenix to Honolulu develops engine problems shortly after take off, and your plane crashes right, smack dab in the middle of Mother Nature's glory hole.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A Trans-Canada train trip is just what the Doctor ordered, unfortunately for you, the good Doctor should have remembered to sign-off on your nitro tablet refill prior to departing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve always had a hunch that storing your homemade fireworks cache in close proximity to your meth lab was a bad idea, and on June 29th at 4:17 P.M., you’ll quickly and irrevocably find out that your hunch was correct.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Upon coming home from your Trans-Canada train trip,  your euphoric sense of rest and relaxation will be quickly erased when you are met with a lawsuit from the family of a now deceased patient for whom you forgot to sign off on a nitro prescription refill prior to departing.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sex on the beach can be a highly erotic, romantic, and sexy activity, but when you do it with a Donald Duck flotation device, it’s just plain creepy, you sick fuck.

Libra  (September 23-October 22)
You find out during your trip to the Everglades that debating a family of alligators over who has the rights to a first-rate camping spot is a losing proposition.

Scorpio  (October 23-November 21)
In late August, the stars are in perfect alignment for you, as in succession, Jerry Mathers, Eve Plumb, and Dick Van Patten eulogize your life following your death resulting from you doing your impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio atop the world’s tallest Ferris wheel.

Sagittarius  (November 22-December 21)
You always tell people, “You can’t have it all.”, but sadly you will find out too late that your pet python Caligula doesn’t adhere to that school of thinking.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s a good thing that you like your summers as you say, “hotter than Hell” because by the end of July and for all eternity, that’s where you will be spending your time.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Be sure to remember while vacationing in Toronto Labor Day weekend, that when a girl tells you she is 14, the Centigrade to Fahrenheit conversion rate only applies to temperature not to a person’s age.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sadly…after winning First Prize in the Ft. Walton Beach Sand Castle building contest, you and your exquisitely done Jerry Sandusky sandcastle are swept away forever by a sea of angry, anti-pedophile, do-gooder types.

I hope my efforts of prognostication are helpful.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Lana Jouráy saying…

Keep looking up, because the stars wanna shine on your face.

Lana

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Your IWS Valentine's Day Horoscope

Happy Valentine’s Day all you gorgeous Cupids and Aphrodites out there!!

This is IWS Astrologer and Prophetess, Lana Jouráy here with your Valentine’s Day Love Horoscope.

I have read all the tea leaves, eyed every star, and studied all the chicken entrails in my backyard in order to give you a look into what will happen to you in regards to amore on this Valentine’s Day, 2012.

Let’s get to it; shall we, my at long last love, hopeful ones?

We shall...

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The laughter and disdain you enjoyed while making fun of all of your co-worker girlfriends for getting excited over receiving roses at the office today, will be replaced by tears of loneliness once you get home, thereby ruining the mashed potatoes in your, Meals for One, microwaveable dinner.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Doing all the leg work and shelling out all the coin to throw a Valentine’s Day party for your daughter’s entire 4th Grade class was a magnanimous gesture, however…Next year, you may want to hire someone other than, John Wayne Gacy Productions to put it on.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Taking your loved one to a restaurant staffed by mimes, seemed kitschy and fun, and it was…Until the bill came, and you had to shell out $125.00 for a make-believe dinner that the two of you pretended to eat.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Giving diamonds to your true love on Valentine’s Day is wildly sexy and extravagant, but giving her a diamond tipped sledge hammer to the head is pure overkill.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Your romantic V-Day getaway to the Windy City is a complete and joyful sexfest…until the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre reenactment the two of you attend, turns all too real.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Proclaiming your love and asking your longtime girlfriend to marry you on National TV on Valentine’s Day, takes guts, courage, backbone, and a strong will.  And that is exactly why you will fail to do so once again.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Women born under this sign will experience an exponential increase in marriage proposals and come-ons, as the American Astrological Society changes the zodiac name to, Labia.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Serenading your love interest at night, outside and below her bedroom window, is a truly romantic notion on your part, but seriously, your dad would prefer that you leave your sister alone, and let her get some sleep.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You are opposed to the, “one day of love thing.”  You think of love as a year long endeavor, and that is why you will, like the other 364 days of the year, lovingly and with gusto, beat the shit out of your wife for not having dinner ready when you get home from the bar.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Releasing your repressed inner animal and saying farewell to societal norms by having sex in a public place with your boss is incredibly hot and liberating, but doing it with him in a hospital waiting room as his wife gives birth down the hall, is somewhat tacky.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Don’t spend this day crying over spilt Communion Wine…It’s time to realize that your barely pubescent days as the most requested Altar Boy at St. Raphael’s Catholic Church have long since passed.  Move On!!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

After all these years, you finally experience unconditional love when you spend Valentine’s Day night in a jail cell with a burly black man named, Crowbar Dixon.  Love springs eternal, or at least for 5-10 years.

I hope my efforts of prognostication are helpful.

For I’m With Stupid, this is Lana Jouráy saying…

Keep looking up, because the stars wanna shine on your face.

Lana

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws