Matt Said, Jay Said XIII

Matt-Man cainteanna, Jayman cainteanna, You éisteacht.

Matt: *sings* “Iiiiiiiiii’m … so in love with yooooo …”
Jay: “That’s so sweet.”
Matt: “Oh! It’s you. Sorry.”
Jay: “Too late! You already said it so you can’t take it back.”
Matt: “I didn’t know those were the rules.”
Jay: “We live by the rules of the street.”
Matt: “True dat homey.”
Jay: “And by ‘street’ I mean ‘the playground.’”

Jay: “The National Potato Council should be pleased with your post.”
Matt: “I went all out for them.”
Jay: “I’m a little concerned that @ThisSpudsForYou hasn’t acknowledged us though.”
Matt: “I was just thinking the same thing.”
Jay: “When we sellout for someone, we expect some publicity, I mean thanks.”
Matt: “And when they don’t, we’re forced to rail against something we love.”
Jay: “I was having tater tots for lunch, but now I’m thinking differently.”
Matt: “I’m going to have a hamburger with a side salad now.”
Jay: “I’ll have a healthy green, leafy salad too. Just like kids in school should!”
Matt: “That’s right, I’m having hamburger with a side of disrespect.”
Jay: “And a tall cold glass of heartache.”
Matt: “And it goes down as slow as it is hurtful.”

Jay: “Well, it IS still early so maybe they’ll still notice us.”
Matt: “They better or I’ll have to mash them.”
Jay: “I’ll have them scattered, smothered and covered with righteous indignation!”
Matt: “I’ll name them ‘Julienne’ and make them my bitch.”
Jay: “We’ll scallop ‘em!”
Matt: “We’ll look in their brown eyes and then bake ‘em!”
Jay: “We tried to STEM the tide against them though.”
Matt: “I’m beginning to think they’re the ROOTof all evil.”
Jay: “We did our best to butter ‘em up.”
Matt: “I guess all our hopes and dreams were half-baked.”
Jay: “I’m pretty steamed.”
Matt: “I feel like I’ve been pancaked.”

Jay: “So, we’re Man Bashing this week?”
Matt: “Damn right we are.”
Jay: “Men are pigs.”
Matt: “They disgust me.”
Jay: “Arrogant, hateful bastards.”
Matt: “Every last one of ‘em.”
Jay: “Nobody has every deserved this show topic more than men.”
Matt: “And nobody has ever gone after them like we will.”
Jay: “Every day men do things that just infuriate me.”
Matt: “I observe them from the Beer Mine and it makes me weep for humanity.”
Jay: “I bet it does.”
Matt: “It drives me to drink.”
Jay: “That’s so sad.”
Matt: “Very much so.”

So there you go again folks. The genius flows like Niagara Falls. So, be sure to tune into I’m With Stupid this Saturday at 11 pm ET as we bash men in the “Men are Pigs” episode. We’re holding nothing back this time kids! We’ll lay out the case against men and even have an update from our Joshua, our new Gay Correspondent. It’s gonna be a hoot! Join us and even call in to add to the man bashing.

Something Is Au Rotten Within the United States Department of Agriculture

This is Spuds Tuberosum for I’m…With…Stupid, and listen…

I have more than a few problems with the Obamas and the United States Department of Agriculture.

Tater Tot, by every slowly served Tater Tot, they are trying to limit the amount of starchy foods in school lunches, in favor of “more acceptable vegetables” such as brussel sprouts and broccoli.

Let me tell ya…

We potatoes Rawwwwwwk!!

We are a good source of Vitamins B6, C, Thiamine, and Niacin, and we have more than our fair share of Potassium working through us, as well as more than a little bit of Iron, to which I have to say…

Hey corn, move over and make room for the tuber, you winsome bitch.

And yet, while this go ‘round, the Obamas and the USDA have failed to stop our appearance in school lunches, my more than a few of my eyes have never seen such an attack on something as American as the potato.

I have never seen anything as un-American as attacking the potato since the days when The Brady Bunch was cancelled.

So goes Cindy Brady; so goes the Yukon Gold.

Listen President and Mrs. Obama, Secretary Vilsack, and my fellow Americans…This great nation was born and built on two staples of dietary ingestion, and two staples only…Meat and Potatoes.

Do you deciders of fortune in Washington, D.C. realize that if weren’t for the potato and it’s ensuing blight from dirty rot, taint, and curl, that today there would be nary a city in the United States that wasn’t well-manned by cops of Irish descent?

Sure, you talk a good game about the gloriosity of first responders, but you are trying to kill off the very life blood that brought them here.

I know, Mrs. Obama, you want to put an end to child obesity or whatever, but c’mon, who are we kidding?

You show me a kid who grows up eating bulgur wheat, brussel sprouts, and fruit during his or her formative years in elementary school, and I’ll show you a kid who gets his or her ass kicked every day by the time High School comes around.

Sad.

Seriously.  Do you suppose Daniel Boone passed on a twice baked potato in lieu of a half baked mention of asparagus with his deer brisket while running the gauntlet?

Do you think that Andrew Jackson said, “The Cherokee can stay where they are until I finish my sausage and endive casserole.”

Is it to be believed that on the day that the Berlin Wall came down, Ronald Reagan, said, “Man, I wish could celebrate the end of Communism by having a juicy steak with some fresh and slightly roasted eggplant.”

Ha-hooooo, I don’t think so.

No my friends, Boone ate raw potatoes while butchering the Shawnee…Jackson had French fries with his Trail of Tears entree, and the Gipper had several frozen patties of hash browns for every brick that came tumbling down.

So Real…So American…So Potato…

My friends…

From the Russet’s red glare to Yukon Golds bursting in air, I say to you…

Do not, like this administration has, dare to abandon the potato.

Totted, twice baked, or in chip form, we have, and always will be, here for you.

God Bless the potato, the National Potato Council, and above all…

God Bless the United States of America,

Spuds Tuberosum

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws