Welcome Home Amanda Knox

Hola Bitches! American’s Sweetheart, Amanda Knox, is a free woman! Hell to the YES! And, to celebrate I thought it would be appropriate for IWS to welcome this sweet and INNOCENT young lady home to the good old U. S. of A…

Buongiorno! Amanda!! It’s so great to see you again. Congrats on beating the rap over there in Italy. I mean, being proven innocent.  That was quite an accomplishment. Normally the only people to do that are Mafia dudes. And since you’re not actually Italian, which means you can’t be in the Mafia, then that pretty much guarantees you really are innocent of the charges against you.

Not that I ever doubted it for a second. The very first time I saw you on the TV and looked into your loving and caring eyes deep into your soul I said to myself “SELF! That hot, sexy girl is innocent!” And I was right! I love being right. Don’t you?

Anyhoodle, now that you’ve been released from the Grande Casa, I thought I could help you assimilate back into society here in the states.  I was thinking you could come over this weekend and we’ll talk.  Maybe I’ll make you a big plate of spaghetti? And we can watch a Soproanos marathon on HBO Go? Ha! Just kidding. I bet you’ve had all the Italian you can stand for a while. Not to worry. I’m a good, decent Irish-American who you can trust. I’ll make you a big bacon cheeseburger and serve up some Dos Equis beer and we’ll watch The Wire. Oh yeah, that might be a bad idea too. I know! Boardwalk Empire … no.  We’ll watch Disney movies!! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Oh, I have to ask. Did you have sex with Silvio Burlusconi to get out of jail? I’m sorry, and I know that’s a rude question, but if you didn’t, and I totally believe you didn’t, you’re the only really hot chick he hasn’t banged. Although, you are probably right, you are a bit old for him.

Okay, so there are a few things you should know about immediately. First, yes, we really do have a black president. Crazy huh? But, that’s not what is most important. The most important thing for you to know is that going around in public wearing bikini tops and cut-offs is totally in. Even in Seattle where I know it’s rainy and cold most of the time. Also, high heels with those cut-offs.

No, this isn’t just something I’m a big fan of or fetishize, this is important fashion advice. I don’t want you to be criticized by Joan Rivers as some fashion disaster your first week back. Yes, Joan is still alive, hard as it is to believe.

I know you’ll be tempted to cash in on your fame by doing photo shoots for Maxim and other “men’s” magazines. And this is a great idea! But, first you should do some interviews so people will know what a smart and thoughtful person you are. No, Oprah retired. Sorry. So did Larry King. Larry was replaced by Peirs Morgan who is a prick. So, that’s not gonna be much help. But, I have an idea!

You could appear on I’m With Stupid internet radio show! You’ll be given the whole 45 minutes to tell your story. We have a vast and diverse world-wide audience who I’m sure would love to hear from you and would be very respectful towards you. Think about it! It’s a great opportunity.

Amanda, we have so much to talk about. So just come on over and I’ll help you deal with the media and all the expectations of the people. As a world famous internet radio host, I have a lot of experience in this field. I’ll bring you into the warm embrace of the IWS family. You’ll be safe from here.

Go ahead and ask around Amanda, we here at IWS are very loyal to our friends and will fight with everything we have to protect and defend you. And best of all, we do it out of love and friendship and expect nothing in return. Except for that one unfortunate incident with Summy George. But, that was an aberration. Not anything to worry about.

Again, welcome home Amanda! We’re your friends and are so glad you’re home.

P.S. Did you know that Hayden Panettiere played you in the made for Lifetime Network movie? How do you feel about that? We might need to invite her over sometime too.

Grazie!
Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws
Amanda Knox Defense Fund

Some Open Letters From IWS

A few open letters to some folks who might have been unintentionally offended or upset by some of the things said on the I’m With Stupid podcast, or here on the blog.

Mr. CW McCall,

We here at IWS would like to apologize for the unacceptable and horrendous mangling of the lyrics of “Convoy” by Jayman on the IWS podcast. How can anyone screw up the words to one of the greatest songs of all time? It’s a mystery to us too.

Thinking he was on a roll, and instead of writing out the lyrics in his show notes, Jayman thought he could just wing it. Sometimes he bites off a little more than he can chew. This was probably the most embarrassing moment of his otherwise stellar internet radio career.

Ms. Stacey Dash,

On Sunday, you were named IWS’ Babe of the Week. While we know that this was a tremendous honor for you and you were very flattered, we also know that you were bothered a little bit by it. We understand you were a bit upset by Matt-Man’s apparent focus on your impressive physical assets and ignoring your professional accomplishments.

Well, let us here at IWS assure you Stacey, that Matt-Man, just as everyone else here, is a man of substance. He never meant to appear to be slighting the outstanding acting work you have done over your brilliant and distinguished career. We absolutely know and respect the fact that there is much, much more to you than that truly spectacular ass of yours.

Ms. Anna Kournikova,

Please see the letter above note addressed to Stacey Dash. Simply replace her name with yours, and Matt-Man’s with Jayman’s. While you also have a wonderful ass, Jayman mostly focuses on your legs, so make the appropriate changes where necessary for that too. Also, he has a hair fetish so add a third paragraph dealing with that bit of weirdness.

Mr. Daryl Dragon,

As if screwing up “Convoy” wasn’t enough, for the second time in a little over year, the hosts of the wildly popular and well respected, I’m With Stupid internet radio show attempted to have some fun at your expense. Jayman, again feeling like he was on a roll, brought up the time that he had mistakenly thought you were dead. While funny to us, we do acknowledge that this kind of joking around may not be all that funny to man of your age who has undoubtedly lived a pretty fast and hard Rock ‘n Roll lifestyle. So, for that we apologize. Again.   

Mr. Herman Cain,

It has been pointed out to us that we have, with good reason, been treating your campaign for the GOP nomination for president as a bit of a joke. I mean, one could hardly blame us, especially with your latest claim that you would give “Hail to the Chief” a “fresher sound” and a few of the other loony things you’ve proposed.

But, we would like to apologize for our behavior. We know that you, much like Stacey Dash and Anna Kournikova, well, at least like Stacey, are a person of substance and impressive professional accomplishments. This suddenly became obvious the entire staff of IWS Entertainment when you said “our leaders are stupid.” 

Not only is this a very true statement, it’s the most insightful thing any GOP candidate has said all year. For this, we salute you and apologize for failing to take you, and your campaign, seriously.

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And if you’d like to hear all those crazy antics like attempting to sing “Convoy” or a discussion about Daryl Dragon’s wellbeing and Matt-Man and Jayman taking on the haters out there AND hanging out with Dana_Lu, then you can using this handy-dandy BTR player. And I highly recommend you do so. Especially if you’re a hater. We might change your whole outlook on life. (And yes, the show WAS posted yesterday, but this episode was so nice, we thought we would post it twice.)

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