Hola Bitches! American’s Sweetheart, Amanda Knox, is a free woman! Hell to the YES! And, to celebrate I thought it would be appropriate for IWS to welcome this sweet and INNOCENT young lady home to the good old U. S. of A…
Buongiorno! Amanda!! It’s so great to see you again. Congrats on beating the rap over there in Italy. I mean, being proven innocent. That was quite an accomplishment. Normally the only people to do that are Mafia dudes. And since you’re not actually Italian, which means you can’t be in the Mafia, then that pretty much guarantees you really are innocent of the charges against you.
Not that I ever doubted it for a second. The very first time I saw you on the TV and looked into your loving and caring eyes deep into your soul I said to myself “SELF! That hot, sexy girl is innocent!” And I was right! I love being right. Don’t you?
Anyhoodle, now that you’ve been released from the Grande Casa, I thought I could help you assimilate back into society here in the states. I was thinking you could come over this weekend and we’ll talk. Maybe I’ll make you a big plate of spaghetti? And we can watch a Soproanos marathon on HBO Go? Ha! Just kidding. I bet you’ve had all the Italian you can stand for a while. Not to worry. I’m a good, decent Irish-American who you can trust. I’ll make you a big bacon cheeseburger and serve up some Dos Equis beer and we’ll watch The Wire. Oh yeah, that might be a bad idea too. I know! Boardwalk Empire … no. We’ll watch Disney movies!! Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Oh, I have to ask. Did you have sex with Silvio Burlusconi to get out of jail? I’m sorry, and I know that’s a rude question, but if you didn’t, and I totally believe you didn’t, you’re the only really hot chick he hasn’t banged. Although, you are probably right, you are a bit old for him.
Okay, so there are a few things you should know about immediately. First, yes, we really do have a black president. Crazy huh? But, that’s not what is most important. The most important thing for you to know is that going around in public wearing bikini tops and cut-offs is totally in. Even in Seattle where I know it’s rainy and cold most of the time. Also, high heels with those cut-offs.
No, this isn’t just something I’m a big fan of or fetishize, this is important fashion advice. I don’t want you to be criticized by Joan Rivers as some fashion disaster your first week back. Yes, Joan is still alive, hard as it is to believe.
I know you’ll be tempted to cash in on your fame by doing photo shoots for Maxim and other “men’s” magazines. And this is a great idea! But, first you should do some interviews so people will know what a smart and thoughtful person you are. No, Oprah retired. Sorry. So did Larry King. Larry was replaced by Peirs Morgan who is a prick. So, that’s not gonna be much help. But, I have an idea!
You could appear on I’m With Stupid internet radio show! You’ll be given the whole 45 minutes to tell your story. We have a vast and diverse world-wide audience who I’m sure would love to hear from you and would be very respectful towards you. Think about it! It’s a great opportunity.
Amanda, we have so much to talk about. So just come on over and I’ll help you deal with the media and all the expectations of the people. As a world famous internet radio host, I have a lot of experience in this field. I’ll bring you into the warm embrace of the IWS family. You’ll be safe from here.
Go ahead and ask around Amanda, we here at IWS are very loyal to our friends and will fight with everything we have to protect and defend you. And best of all, we do it out of love and friendship and expect nothing in return. Except for that one unfortunate incident with Summy George. But, that was an aberration. Not anything to worry about.
Again, welcome home Amanda! We’re your friends and are so glad you’re home.
P.S. Did you know that Hayden Panettiere played you in the made for Lifetime Network movie? How do you feel about that? We might need to invite her over sometime too.
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