With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…“What is the capital of Solyndra?”
“Are corporations people too?”
Or…
“May I run my fingers through your hair?”
Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…
Dear Santa:
I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.
I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.
Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.
Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,
Mitt
Dear Santa:
I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.
I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.
Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,
Rick Santorum
Dear Santa:
When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.
I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.I love you and so does Jesus,
Michele
Dear Santa:
Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.
I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.
Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,
Newt
Dear Santa:
As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.
Go to Hell,
Ron Paul
Dear Santa:
I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.
Thank Ya,
Rick Perry
And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.
And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
