Letters to Santa

With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…

“What is the capital of Solyndra?”

“Are corporations people too?”

Or…

“May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…

Dear Santa:

I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.

I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.

Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.

Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,

Mitt

Dear Santa:

I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.

I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.

Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,

Rick Santorum

Dear Santa:

When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.

I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.

I love you and so does Jesus,

Michele

Dear Santa:

Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.

I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.

Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,

Newt

Dear Santa:

As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.

Go to Hell,

Ron Paul

Dear Santa:

I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.

Thank Ya,

Rick Perry

And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.

And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Vote NO on Issue 2 in Ohio, 'Cause if you Don't, Gov. Kasich is Going to Sing!!

Today I am discussing Issue 2 which is on the ballot today in Ohio.  A No vote on Issue 2 will repeal Senate Bill 5 which was passed in Ohio recently and severely limits the collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

I am voting No on Issue 2 and will tell you why, but as a matter of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to tell you that I am a former Ohio public employee and a former staff rep for SEIU.

Anyway…

What follows, is why I think Ohioans should vote No on Issue 2, thus repealing SB 5, and its raping of collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

Our Governor, John Kasich, the man behind this anti-union bill and proponent of the Issue 2 YES campaign that keeps SB 5 as law, is a MASSIVE dickhead.

Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves…

“Matt-Man is merely re-living his Union days and thinks Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead because of his kinship with public employees.”

Not true…

Sure I have historical ties to public employee unions, but I am first and foremost a reporter of the truth and would never call Gov. Kasich a MASSIVE dickhead without confirmation or corroboration, so…

On Twitter Monday night, I asked my friend, cohort, and fellow “man beyond reproach”, Jayman, what HE thought of Gov. Kasich...

Jayman responded, and I quote…

“Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead who actually has a teeny-weenie wee-wee.”

See? Jayman doesn’t even live in Ohio and he knows of Kasich’s MASSIVE dickheadedness. It’s not just the choir singin’ here folks.

Although, if there was a choir singing, Kasich would probably be in it. I hear he likes show tunes and the such.

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything, but during his 1996 reelection campaign for his congressional seat, his opponent, Cynthia Ruccia implied that he was gay by asking questions as to why Kasich shared his D.C. digs with his well-paid male chief-of staff for several years. Uh-huh…

I am not into tawdry speculation of that nature, but I must tell you, I recently had a dream that John Kasich was having sex with Marcus Bachmann, and….enjoying every minute of it.

In my forty-six years of sleeping, once in awhile my dreams have proven to be true, so…I can’t completely discount the notion that Kasich may be gay, especially since he and his first wife, Mary Lee, divorced “amicably”.

How many non-gay men have an amicable divorce? IKR? And listen…

Not to add grist to the rumor mill, but I heard that the divorce was amicable because after Kasich cried like a little schoolgirl, his soon to be ex wife Mary Lee, relented and let him keep half of her clothes.

And not that this could have anything to do with him being gay, or not, but…he was raised Catholic, and you know what they say…

“Once you go Franciscan, you'll never go straight agin’.”

Although I will say, after his parents were killed in a car crash he turned to evangelical Christianity. I guess he blamed the Pope.

Anyway…

I hope I have shed some light upon why SB 5 is a bad bill and why for the following reasons, it should be repealed by voting No on Issue 2…

John Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead, who may or may not be gay, and in my dreams has had sex with Michele Bachmann’s husband, all the while hating the Pope.

If that’s not good enough reason to vote No on Issue 2, I don’t know what is. Thank You.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

IWS Babe(s) of the Week: Hot Politcos

As you know...well as some of you may know, Tuesday is election day in many places in these here United States, so in order to spark your interest and in honor of politicians everywhere IWS has tracked down some the hottest lawmakers on the globe:

Michela Vittoria-Brambillum, Italy

This leg showing red head from n'eath the Tuscan Sun could very well be the next Prime Minister of Italy, Bunga Bunga Bitches!!


Julia Bonk, Germany

At the age of 24, this sexy Saxon was the youngest person ever elected to the German parliament.  Ach Du Lieber, Baby...Let's go caucus!!


Orly Levy, Israel

This 30-something kosher bombshell is one of the most popular members of the Israeli Knesset. Perhaps if she went into Ariel Sharon's hospital room and stripped naked, he'd pop out of his coma.


Emma Kiernan, Ireland

This lovely 27 year old Irish lass and member of the local council Fine Gaele, is proof positive that after a daunting and difficult day of lawmaking, girls just wanna have fun!!


Maria Carfagna, Italy

Maria Carfagna is smoking hot and if you say she isn't Ima gonna go all Mussolini on you.  After serving in the Italian paliament, in 2008 she was named Minister of Equal Opportunity.  Berlusconi knows how to pick 'em, and I pray that one day she'll show me a little equal opportunity.

Of course, we have hot politicians here in the States as well...

We have Minnesota congresswoman and Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann...

And the hottest Senator to have ever graced the chambers of Congress, Sen Barbara Mikulski...

So this Tuesday my fellow Americans, don't say "screw it" and not vote. Remind yourself that voting can be sexy!!!

Cheers!!

Chris Christie for President 2012

Ummmmm settle down, and listen up…Gov. Chris Christie here.

I have a huge announcement to make, and Matt-Man convinced me to use the incredibly wide expanse of the I’m With Stupid media empire from which to make it.

I agreed, because Matt-Man, Jayman, and the staff of I’m With Stupid are not the types to slovenly devour people with cheap shots by throwing out seemingly delicious red meat to the masses. So here I go…

The calls for me to run for the GOP Presidential nomination have swollen to the point where the weight and gravity of the cries for my candidacy, have convinced me to finally step up once again, to the plate.

My friends, I am doing it.  I am putting my skin into the game and will be walking semi-briskly for the office of President of the United States of America.

Look at the menu of candidates from which we Republicans have to choose.  I get a better line-up of choices at the Denny’s in East Brunswick.

Bachmann?  Her intellect is thinner than the, “Great Chefs of Ireland Cookbook.”
 

Herman Cain?  Ha, Godfather’s Pizza genius prefers deep dish pizza.  We’ve had enough of Chicago style politics under Obama; we don’t need Chicago style pizza under Cain.

Boy Toy Rick Perry is a shit-ka-bob.

Romney and Santorum are as exciting as broccoli.  Ron Paul’s mind is like goulash.  Newt Gingrich always leave you hungry for something else, and Jon Huntsman…um…c’mon, he’s a glass of skim milk.

See what I’m saying? The current field of Republican candidates blows more than a Jersey girl.  My party needs me.

My country needs me.

Democrats…Republicans…all politicians in Washington are interested only in reelection, while ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the living room of our nation…Economy and Jobs.

My friends, I want to be that 800 pound gorilla.  

I want to jump up and down, rattle some cages, turn the White House into 1600 I Don’t Give A Fuck About Your Reelection Avenue, and rebuild the breadbasket of America into a gourmet bakery full of delicious smells of success and cupcakes heavily frosted with prosperity.

Believe me.  I can almost feel your pain, and I want to help you.

I know that you and your families are doing without and pinching every penny.  If elected…

I will make sure I cut out the fat and tighten the belt on the out of control pork fest that is taking place in D.C.

Unlike me, our current leaders and politicians are nothing more than line cutters at The Old Country Buffet, feeding their faces with the fresh Salisbury steak and still steamy mashed potatoes, while you are left with nothing but cold peas and hard toast.

If elected, I will make sure that you will be first in line enjoying hot gravy and beef tips while the career politicians are gnawing on cold broth and gristle.

I want to thank I’m With Stupid for allowing this perfectly seasoned political discourse by me without taking any cheap shots. 

I’ll be having Matt-Man and Jayman over for manicotti soon, and if you’d like to help me out please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Gov. Chris Christie

Herman Cain 2012: Pillsbury Ghedough Boy

Help me lift that old rugged cross.  Shed that precious blood with me.  Come out of the political wilderness and with me, bathe in the amazing grace.

Praise Jesus my friends, and Halleluiah to the Republican voters of  the Sunshine State…

I am Herman Cain, and I won the GOP Florida Straw Poll this past Saturday, Amen my brothers and sisters…Amen.

I have been running for the GOP Presidential nomination for months now, and yet after several debates and Saturday’s huge win some of you may be unfamiliar with me.  

To some of you, I am like one of those old negro spirituals you’ve heard sometime, somewhere, but you don’t know why or where. Allow me, Herman Cain, to introduce myself to you, the deeply intellectual readers of I’m with Stupid.

At my root and core, I am a mixture of Steve Forbes, Chef Boyardee, and Rick James.  In other words…

“Bring on the flat tax, condividere la pizza del successo, ‘cause I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”

Many people learned just that about me at last Thursday’s GOP Debate, I was wild and the others were mild.

While, as Brit Hume said, “Perry really threw up all over himself.”, Michele Bachmann talked about the health of potentially cancerous cooters of pre-teen girls, and Ron Paul stared wildly into the camera while adjusting that hair hat some bitch sewed to his misshapen head, I, Herman Cain, was shining…

I was shining like the black light of common sense upon the canvas of the psychedelic 70’s poster that is the Tea Party.  I was rockin’ da hizzy, and electrifying the electorate.

The only ones not excited about my performance were Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman.  Me being a black man with the name, Cain, those two Mormons were looking at me like I was the one who killed Abel.  I don’t know what that means, but Matt-Man thought it would be funny.

Anyways…

Let me say…I am not a politician; I am a problem solver, and all problem solving skills can go back to the making of a pizza.  Fortunately, I used to be CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, so I have the skill set to make America the great 16” deluxe pie it once was.

Obama has spent three years making economic crazy bread, which only proves that Kenyan Muslims don’t know shit about making pizza.  That wouldn’t happen in a Muslim-Free Herman Cain Administration.  

I’d be spreading my sauce, cutting my cheese, loading my meat, and delivering a delicious economy to you in thirty minutes or less.

And the deliciousness of my economy pie all goes back to the dough.  How so, you ask?  Allow me to asplain…

I don’t care how hard one works the dough of the economy.  How diligently one works the dough, coddles the dough, loooooves the dough.  Much like the economy, no matter how much attention one gives the dough, it won’t rise without that one special ingredient.

Yeast.

My friends, I Herman Cain, want to be your Commander-in-Yeast.
I want to infect the economic machine that is America with a yeast infection so widespread and virulent, that nothing and no one can cure it.

America has been going hungry for a long time my friends, and she wants to eat.  It’s time to dial up the Pizza Man.

It’s time to dial up Herman Cain 2012.  Yeast at last, yeast at last…Thank God Almighty, we have yeast at last!!

Your contribution to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign can be sent to:

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

And while you’re making it out, please listen to Jayman and Matt-Man doing Saturday’s Big Gay Show on Blog Talk Radio…

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry...Corn Dog Wars!!

Hey you…Yeah, you. Remember me? It’s me, Michele Bachmann…Nothing?

I’m a Tea Party drinking, government bashing, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and I’m running for President. Now do you remember?

I see that some of you are now shaking your heads, but it would be more helpful if you were shaking them in an up and down fashion and not side to side, but…um…

Fuck…I knew this was going to happen.

Less than a month after I win the GOP Straw Poll in Iowa, the devilishly handsome, well-chiseled, Rick Perry enters the GOP Primary race and I’m tossed aside like a half eaten can of tuna in favor of a prime piece of Texas ribeye.

This sucks. AND IT’S NOT FAIR!!

I’ve been giving and giving. Traipsing along the campaign trail loudly espousing nonsensical, anti-government rhetoric, and what do I get in return?

Heartache…and single digit poll numbers.

From the Halls of Minnetonka to the shores of Biloxi, I have fought your anti-tax battles on the air, and land, and sea. And then what?

Rootin-Tootin’ Rick Perry enters the race, out anti-government rhetoricals me, and out sexy corn dog eatin’s me. WTF?

I’m Michele Bachmann dammit…Glad to meet ya!!

Listen folks, I know how to eat a damn corndog in a sexy way…

Hell, even my allegedly gay husband Marcus, can be sexy when tossing back a dawg…

Okay…I guess he does look gay when he does it. But he’s not, so shut up. My husband is as straight as they come. He’s as straight as the Minnesota winter is long.

Now, take a look at Gov. Perry eating a corndog…

Talk about someone who seems to know his way around a shaft of meat. I’m not saying Perry’s gay, but c’mon, if Hermann Goehring was alive, he’d have that picture blown up and placed on the ceiling over his bed.

Anyway…This entire situation and Rick Perry blow. Hell, even my campaign staff is leaving me, all because of a goddamn corndog.

Maybe at some point during the NBC/Politico GOP Debate at the Ronald Reagan Library tomorrow night, I’ll unleash a new campaign song.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I truly want to be, ’cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, then everyone would be in love with me!!

I think I’m on to something. And if not..?

I’ll just give Rick Perry a lil’ taste of my “corndog eating” skills, and become his running mate.

Trust me my fellow Americans, being vacuous is not my only skill. When it comes to choking down a dawg or two, this bitch got skillz.

See ya at the debate tomorrow,

Michele Bachmann

Matt Said, Jay Said

Hola people of the internet!  For a while now, Matt-Man and I, the Jayman (Doesn’t that sound really pretentious putting “the” in front of Jayman? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll do that again.) have talked about how we should just tape out weekly show prep session and use it for our I’m With Stupid podcast. But since I don’t have any phone recording equipment, I decided to start taking notes for a new feature here on the blog. So, welcome to the inaugural edition of “Matt Said, Jay Said.”

Matt: *ring* “YeeHAWWWWWWW!”
Jay: “Hola you sick fuck!” (“sick fuck” being a term of endearment)
Matt: “Phobia show this week, right?”
Jay: “Huh? Yeah, phobias”
Matt: “You’re already distracted?”
Jay: “No, I’m taking notes for a new feature on the blog ‘Matt Said, Jay Said’ to post on Saturdays since we don’t post anything on that day.”

Matt: “That’s a good idea.”
Jay: “I thought so”
Matt: “You’re so damn humble”
Jay: “I know. It’s how I was raised. So anyway, I’m taking notes so say something fucking funny.”

Matt: “Just use something I said in the past if you have to.”
Jay: “Cool.”

Matt: “I made Cobb Salad last night. But without the chicken.”
Jay: “What did you use?”
Matt: “Fried bologna. It helps me keep my svelte figure.”
Jay: “I admire your commitment to nutritional excellence.”

Matt: “Schmoop cuts up the lettuce. I’ll be on the computer and she’ll be in the kitchen and then all the sudden she’s cussing the lettuce. GAWD DAMMIT STAY STILL!”
Jay: “Ha! ‘Cussing the Lettuce.’  That’s a great euphemism. I’m gonna ask her on Twitter right now if she ‘Cussed the Lettuce’ last night.
Schmoop (via Twitter): “What’s that ass been telling you?”
Matt: “Hee Hee … She’s probably saying ‘You guys suck!’”
Schmoop (via Twitter 2 minutes later): “You guys suck!” 

Jay: “Did you see how much these GOP candidates are worth? Bachmann is worth $2.8 million, Huntsman $17.8 million and Romney up to $250 million.”
Matt: “Why would anyone worth that much want to be president. If I had two million I’d be sitting here on my couch watching the view being fed hotdogs by exotic babes.”
Jay: “Exactly. Well, maybe not watching the view. I know you have a thing for Joy Behar though.”
Matt: “She is pretty hot.” 

Jay: “Instead, I’ll just sit here and stare at this pic of Ellen Page. She’s a pretty damn cute lesbian (allegedly).”
Matt: “She is.”
Jay: “Such a pretty face.”
Matt: “Oh yeah. She’s just damn pretty.  No Scarlett Johansson, but still cute.”
Jay: “Yeah, very true. Okay, so phobias right?”
Matt: “Yup, Phobias. Heights, spiders, snakes, bridges all that stuff.”
Jay: “Yeah, and our listeners all suffer from phonephobia. Haha!”
Matt: “And escalators. Lots of people are afraid of those.”
Jay: “And maybe I’ll make a few up.”
Matt: “Good idea.”
Jay: “Okay, so good show prep!”
Matt: “Hell yeah! Very professional.”

So there you have it! That’s how the magic is made. And don’t forget, we’ll be talking Phobias and Fears tonight on “I’m With Stupid” at 6:30 EDT.

Rick Perry for President 2012

Hi y’all and youzzins, Governor Rick Perry of Texas here, and Ima runnin’ for President. Dint see that comin’ did ya?

Well I did…and I knew I was gunna run for some weeks. I just dint want them other Republican Presidential wannabes know that this Lone Star State Stallion was about to kick their electoral heads in.

Listen my friends, I am all about America…I am the embodiment of the greatest of America…

I am America.

Growing up, I was moved and inspired by reading about the early Presidents of this great nation.

Historical accounts of Presidents George Washington, Sam Houston, and Jefferson Davis fueled my desire to achieve the greatness that I knew existed within my bein’.

After graduatin’ from Texas A&M with a degree in Animal Science, a career in the Air Force, I became a legislator and later Governor of Texas, but…I wasn’t fulfilled. Sumpin’ was missin’.

And then my friends in Christ, the greatest President of all spoke to me from afar.

It was GAWD, and he asked me to run for President…he called me to run…he chose me to run.

And so, on His word, I am.

Our nation is livin’ in the end times my friends. People goin’ hungry…Precious babies without health insurance…Regressive taxes, and an insufferable number of teens without a High School diploma.

I oughta know, because under my command, the Great Republic of Texas leads the nation in most of those things. Can I get a, WOOP WOOP…Texas Number ONE, my friends.

Texas also leads the nation in creatin’ new jobs. Damn right. While the rest of the country is bleedin’ jobs to foreigners, I have been importin’ jobs.

Just ask states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Massachusetts, and New York. Your jobs aint goin’ to Mexico; they’re comin’ to Texas, you Yankee bastards. Yeee Haww…Texas Number ONE, again, my friends!!

I’ve created a situation where Texas is “business-friendly”. Union shops? No. Entitlements to Health Care? No. Cheap labor from Mexico? Hell Yes!! But don’t take that the wrong way…

Some, especially on the right, claim that I waffle and am soft on the issue of illegal immigration. Those ass hat rodeo clowns who say that, are namby pamby, Michelle Bachmann pussies.

The reason I am in favor of less restrictive borders with Mexico, is so I can accomplish something that the Mexicans and their government have never been able to accomplish…

To at long last, draw the infamous Devil-Beast, Chupacabra into the open and shoot the hell out of his ass.

Come across the border Mr. Chupacabra and watch ol’ President Rick Perry put a shit load of lead into your Godless goat suckin’ head!! Boo Yah and hand me my Winchester!!

Anyhoo, my fellow Christian Americans…When I go in, I go ALL in, so take me as I am and know that I am the chosen one.

And to Michelle Bachmann, you can be me running mate anytime babe. Sure, Mitt Romney has better hair than you, but I hear he doesn’t swallow.

For I’m With Stupid, this is your next President, Rick Perry sayin’…

God Bless America, and bring me the head of the Chupacabra.

Yours in Christ,

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)

Tim Pawlenty Out, Rick Perry In

Are you worried about poor Tim Pawlenty and what he might do next now that he’s no longer running for president? Well, don’t be. Today on I’m With Stupid we laid out ALL of T-Paw’s options, and it turns out he has lots of opportunities out there. He’ll be just fine. 

In addition to talking about T-Paw, we discussed his last ditch efforts to go after America’s Sweetheart Michele Bachmann, and how they backfired on him. We talked about how Mitt Romney continues to be a ruggedly handsome and extremely charming man. And, we welcomed Rick Perry and his very impressive hair to the race. 

Then, we had a few thoughts on Bert and Ernie not being gay. Or so Sesame Street claims. Come on guys.  It’s okay. We’ve all accepted Bert & Ernie for who they are for many years now. You don’t have to hide it. I mean, you don’t see Peppermint Patty and Marcie hiding their love, do you? 

Anyway, we covered all this and so, so much more. And, we would very much appreciate it you took the time to listen using this here handy, dandy BTR Mystery Machine. And don’t forget that coming up this Saturday we’ll be doing the Phobia Show! That’s right. We’ll talk our phobias and yours, as well as some of the more exotic phobias out there. 

And, as always, we love you all! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

GOP Debate Series Part 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first in a series of GOP Debates being held here on the I’m With Stupid blog and sponsored by the I’m With Stupid internet radio show. 

The format is simple. We’ll throw out a very important question that is something that matters greatly to the American people and give each candidate a chance to answer it to the best of his or her abilities. We’ll do one question each week. Please withhold your applause until after each candidate has had a chance to answer, and try to refrain from any loud verbal outbursts other than laughter.  Okay, let’s get started.

Q1: What, if anything, would you do to improve the economy and maybe speed up the recovery?

Michele Bachmann: Well, I would do a heck of a lot more than Obama, I tell you that much right now. I think mostly I would just tilt my head back a bit and open my eyes really wide and stare at the economy until it began whimpering and fidgeting like Rick Santorum having to ride in an elevator with all of Lady Ga Ga’s male back up dancers. 

Mitt Romney: First I’d just like to say that those Patriots are looking good and it’s gonna be another great championship season for them coming right on the heels of a Red Sox World Series Win! Wooo! But, as to your question, I would use my rugged good looks and natural charm along with my impeccable manners to make the economy feel completely comfortable with me and then covert it into a growing, dynamic economy.

Tim Pawlenty: Uh, I would mostly just bad-mouth the economy behind its back and then be all deferential to it to its face in hopes that it would like me.  

Ron Paul: I wouldn’t do a GOD DAMN THING! The economy is on its own. Just like the rest of us. 

Herman Cain: I would check the recipe and make sure I got all the ingredients right. Then I’d let it rise, fall and rise again. Then, cover it with all kinds of goodies to enhance its look and taste and put it in a preheated oven to rise to its full potential. 

Gary Johnson: I would smoke a doobie and tell everyone to chill out. 

Rich Santorum: I’d stop those nasty, disgusting gays from getting married. They’re so gross! Ewwww! 

Newt Gingrich: I’m already running a million dollar tab at Tiffany’s and going on cruises around the Greek Isles, what the hell else do you people want from me? 

John Huntsman: Oh, I’d do a little of this, and a little of that. I would take good ideas from both sides and come up with a moderate, middle of the road plan. Then I would check my hair in the mirror to make sure I still look better than Mitt, and then move on to the next challenge.

Rick Perry: I would pray. And then I would pray some more. Then I’d point out that I have much better hair than either John Huntsman OR Mitt Romney. After praying some more I would get out my old .45’s and start shooting the dirt all around the economy’s feet and yell “DANCE ECONOMY! DANCE!  Then, I would secede. 

Okay, so there you have it folks. The first round of the I’m With Stupid GOP Debate is now complete. We’ll be back soon with round two’s big question. 

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws