Hola Bitches! You know, one of the burdens/benefits of being a world famous internet radio host is that people often times write me for advice. Now, I try not to get too involved in the lives of the little people, but I am a man full of deep thought and wisdom, and I guess that really shines through here and on the show. Every once in a while I feel that I should help a few people out and hopefully others who have the same problems will get some help too. So here are a few emails I have received recently from people in need of good advice…
“Hey Jay, this might seem like I’m overanalyzing things, but I need your advice on something. There’s this chick I met on the internet who I’m kind of smitten with and I’ve been trying work slow so as to not mess things up. I haven’t been getting much feedback and I’ve been worried it’s because she didn’t like me.
Then I sent her a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” email and tried to make it pretty clear that I wish I was spending the holidays with her without saying anything too corny, you know? Anyway, she emails me back thanking me and then says “I hope you get everything you deserve in the New Year.”
At first I thought this was really nice, but now I’m wondering what she meant by “deserve.” I mean, if she doesn’t like me and thinks I’m a creep, she might think I deserve to have my ass kicked by some gang members or something. What do you think? Was her holiday wish good or bad?”
- Worried Willy in Wilmington
Dear Willy, I’m afraid you’re fucked. More than likely she thinks you’re a weasely stalker type who is too much of a pussy to just come out tell her how you feel. She figures she would be able to walk all over you and women hate that. Best thing to do is to send her an email telling her that you’re sick and tired of the way she treats you like shit and you can do so much better than ghetto trash like her. She’ll rent a car or get a plane ticket to come visit you and beg you to be her man.
“Hola Jayman! I have a major decision to make and you’re the only one who can help me out. I’m a high school senior and I have to decide between the Air Force Academy and West Point. Which one should I go with?”
- Patriotic Paul in Peoria
Dear Paul, more like “Pretentious Paul” amirite? That email was the most pathetic HumbleBrag email ever. But, in the outside chance that you aren’t just trying to remind me of my past and present academic and professional failures, I would say go with the Air Force. The army might send you to some pretty unsavory locations while you could get stationed somewhere really mysterious and exotic in the air force like Minot, ND.
“Jayman! I need your help sooooooooo bad! I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and we finally started having sex. But, there’s a problem. He’s really HUGE. I mean freaking HUNG dude. And, it just isn’t comfortable for me. I don’t know what to do? Will it get better?”
- Sore Sherry in Sheridan
Dear Sherry. Leave him now before you become more attached to him. It won’t get any better at all. His best option is to just admit that he’s gay and come on out of the closet. I know this is shocking, but we all know that all men who are really well endowed are gay. It’s a proven fact.
So, there you have it folks. As you can see I’m a brilliant advice giver and am great about staying completely impartial and never let my emotions or biases get the better of me. So, if you have any big dilemmas that you’re facing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me and I’ll do the best I can to help you out.
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