A Few Life's Lessons

Hola bitches! Over my forty-four years on this Earth, I have accumulated a decent amount of knowledge about life. I feel that since I am now a wise and distinguished older gentleman this would be a good time to dispense some advice to the good people all over the world who read this blog. I do this not for money (unfortunately) or for adulation (cause I don’t get any), but to help out mankind. Because that’s just the great kind of guy I am.

The first bit of advice is a little gem I dropped on my good friend, the lovely and talented Little Miss Sunshine who the rest of the world knows as Gnetch, the other night on Twitter:  “When searching for a place to live, make sure it’s near a 24 hour market that has a bakery and carries alcohol, a good dive bar and burger and pizza joints that are open late.” I think we can all agree that those are the most basic staples in life. Well, unless you want to add strip clubs to the list.

Anyway here are a few other things I’ve learned along the way:

- Flexibility is almost never overrated.

- While you shouldn’t go out of your way to offend someone, don’t censor yourself because you’re afraid of offending someone either.

- You can launch any vile, hateful personal attack on a skinny person you want to and almost never be called on it.

- Asian chicks rule!

- Latinas are pretty freaking awesome too.

- If you disagree with someone over anything, no matter how minor, it’s okay to just call them Nazis.

- Ignorance of history is totally acceptable these days.

- Our society has an endless appetite for zombie and vampire books, movies and TV shows.

- Once you turn 40 life is just an endless series of strange new pains and ailments that come and go with no rhyme or reason.

- Simply ReTweeting, ReBlogging and Sharing information about a “cause” on Facebook in now considered being involved in it.

- The Fake Outrage Machine can be turned up to 11 over anything no matter how insignificant.

- Yet, it takes hundreds of thousands of people pounding away on the media and govt to get them to finally investigate a vigilante gunning down an unarmed teenager in Florida who was just walking home.

- Mormons make great neighbors because, much like the Mafia, they don’t do any “business” in their own neighborhoods.

- People take it very personally if I don’t like their favorite singer, group, movie, tv show, book etc.

- People can’t quite grasp the concept of Homer Simpsons’ greatest piece of philosophy ever: “Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

- Adding a little extra pepperoni and cheese to a frozen pizza makes it dramatically better.

- Preheating the oven is still bullshit.

So there you go kids. A few basic pearls of wisdom that you might not have known, but probably should.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

And in other news, here’s our “Molotov Mocktails” segment from last week’s Dixieland Delight episode of I’m With Stupid. If you aren’t listening to IWS each Wed at 11 am ET or Sunday at Noon ET or anytime in the archives, then you’re totally missing out. And causing us heartache. I know you don’t mean to, but well, it’s the truth. We miss you when you’re not there.

Anyhoodle, here’s the 4.5 minute segment that I edited up just for you guys. And I’ll even give you a DIRECT LINK to the video. Damn, I thoughtful!

Mr. Advice Giver

Hola Bitches! You know, one of the burdens/benefits of being a world famous internet radio host is that people often times write me for advice. Now, I try not to get too involved in the lives of the little people, but I am a man full of deep thought and wisdom, and I guess that really shines through here and on the show. Every once in a while I feel that I should help a few people out and hopefully others who have the same problems will get some help too. So here are a few emails I have received recently from people in need of good advice…

“Hey Jay, this might seem like I’m overanalyzing things, but I need your advice on something. There’s this chick I met on the internet who I’m kind of smitten with and I’ve been trying work slow so as to not mess things up. I haven’t been getting much feedback and I’ve been worried it’s because she didn’t like me.

Then I sent her a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” email and tried to make it pretty clear that I wish I was spending the holidays with her without saying anything too corny, you know? Anyway, she emails me back thanking me and then says “I hope you get everything you deserve in the New Year.”

At first I thought this was really nice, but now I’m wondering what she meant by “deserve.” I mean, if she doesn’t like me and thinks I’m a creep, she might think I deserve to have my ass kicked by some gang members or something. What do you think? Was her holiday wish good or bad?”

- Worried Willy in Wilmington

Dear Willy, I’m afraid you’re fucked. More than likely she thinks you’re a weasely stalker type who is too much of a pussy to just come out tell her how you feel. She figures she would be able to walk all over you and women hate that. Best thing to do is to send her an email telling her that you’re sick and tired of the way she treats you like shit and you can do so much better than ghetto trash like her. She’ll rent a car or get a plane ticket to come visit you and beg you to be her man.

“Hola Jayman! I have a major decision to make and you’re the only one who can help me out. I’m a high school senior and I have to decide between the Air Force Academy and West Point. Which one should I go with?”

- Patriotic Paul in Peoria

Dear Paul, more like “Pretentious Paul” amirite? That email was the most pathetic HumbleBrag email ever. But, in the outside chance that you aren’t just trying to remind me of my past and present academic and professional failures, I would say go with the Air Force. The army might send you to some pretty unsavory locations while you could get stationed somewhere really mysterious and exotic in the air force like Minot, ND.

“Jayman! I need your help sooooooooo bad! I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and we finally started having sex. But, there’s a problem. He’s really HUGE. I mean freaking HUNG dude. And, it just isn’t comfortable for me. I don’t know what to do? Will it get better?”

- Sore Sherry in Sheridan

Dear Sherry. Leave him now before you become more attached to him. It won’t get any better at all. His best option is to just admit that he’s gay and come on out of the closet. I know this is shocking, but we all know that all men who are really well endowed are gay. It’s a proven fact.

So, there you have it folks. As you can see I’m a brilliant advice giver and am great about staying completely impartial and never let my emotions or biases get the better of me. So, if you have any big dilemmas that you’re facing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me and I’ll do the best I can to help you out.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook: Jayman68
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

How to Create a Wildly Successful Podcast

Hola kids! You know one of the biggest benefits of being a world-famous internet radio and social media star is being asked for advice by strangers all the time. Of course, I’m always willing to share my knowledge and insight into the world of podcasting with anyone who asks.

Which brings me to today’s blog post. I thought I would run down a list of ideas that will help those of you out there who are wondering what the secrets to a really successful podcast with a vast world-wide audience are.

Don’t bother with guests: Nobody wants to listen to fucking experts on any subject. You can do just fine discussing anything from rare medical conditions to high finance to sports to relationships. Just do a few Google searches, write up a few notes and roll with it. Experts usually full of themselves anyway. Also, they bring in new listeners and it could get really uncomfortable with all those strangers out there. 

Don’t worry about audio quality: People claim that they turn off shows where one host is really loud and the other is really quiet or where the audio is breaking up. And they might, but so what? They were there for the beginning of the show and you got credit for the listen, so it’s not really your problem. If they want good audio quality, they can pay to listen to crap on XM Radio.

Include some moments of dead air: Your listeners need a chance to catch up with you. They’re probably aren’t as mentally flexible and might get stuck on something brilliant you said a few minutes ago. So, every once in a while you should just stop and sit there in respectful silence while they catch up to you. They’ll appreciate it. 

Don’t worry about alienating entire demographics: Look, you have to be true to yourself, right? So, if you think it would be hilarious to do a show with some guy faking a really bad Chinese accent, do it. So what if it causes all Asians to turn off your show. How much could it hurt? So what if they make up more than 1/3 of the people on Earth? 

Stick to religion and politics: It’s important to talk about subjects that callers and hosts won’t get angry over. So, religion and politics are perfect. Open up the show by explaining that certain religions and/or political parties are bullshit and the people who practice them are going to hell, and you’ll get flooded with people ready to engage in smart, thoughtful and well-reasoned debate. 

Just ignore your chat room: Just because the show has a chat room, doesn’t mean you HAVE to interact with them. Marie Antoinette had subjects, which are basically the same as listeners, right? And she sure as hell didn’t interact with them, did she? Also, it kind of works the same way as it does with women. The more you ignore them, the more they want you. It’s weird, I know.  

Your show title doesn’t have to match what you talk about: People loved being tricked and fooled. And pulling the old switcheroo on them is a brilliant show idea. Title the show something like “Expert Pet Care” and then actually talk about keeping your genitals clean and ready for action. The listeners might be a little confused at the beginning, but once you hit that first moment of dead air and they get the chance to catch up, they’ll love it.

Okay, there you go folks. If you follow these simple rules, you too can have a wildly successful and critically acclaimed podcast just like “I’m With Stupid.” 

Speaking of “I’m With Stupid” we had our brilliant and oh so clever Show Prep Show this morning. Listen in as we meander from one thing to another until we finally arrive at our destination of a show topic for Saturday.  Along the way we talked about Glen Rice posting Sarah Palin up down low (allegedly) and we MIGHT have mentioned Scarlett Johansson’s nude pics which were leaked to the internet this morning. One of which you can view on the official I’m With Stupid Tumblr Page. It’s NSFW. 

Anyway, check out the show cause it was fun and because we love you.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws