Brock Lee...Sexy Vegan Man

Hello friends of I’m With Stupid.

Brock Lee here for I’m With Stupid and I am the new IWS Vegan Correspondent.

Allow me to tell you…even though Jayman and Matt-Man are set in their carnivorous ways to the nth degree, they are proving their openness to all lifestyles and life choices, by hiring me.

They met me at a market in Chinatown as I was feeling up the Bok Choy, and asked me…

“Do you really like that shit, or are you trying to be trendy and ergo, pick up hippie chicks?”

I told those two beefeaters, as I chuckled in a devil-may-care way…“Hee, oh my”…I can’t believe my non-lizard-like tongue said that, but I continued…

“While I am not averse to laying artificially and superficially with hippie chicks, I eat nothing that contains animal or animal by-products.  I like my food raw and animal-free, you nutsy guys, you.”

And yes…I truly said that to Jay and Matt, and for some reason I was jubilant when I uttered that.  Hee!! Anywhey…

After a bit of small talk about legumes, they asked me to hop aboard the I’m With Stupid train because even though they may over indulge once I awhile, they want, and want you as well, to live a healthy lifestyle, because, as they say…

“Two dead radio hosts with an audience chock full of dead listeners, leads to one thing and one thing only…myocardial ratings infarction.”

And seriously, who wants that on their hands?  NOT THIS GUY!!  Hee.

So…I am going to be here every so often…or is that, ever so often, I don’t know…I know vegan, not English. Hee!!

Anywhey…

I will be here once in awhile in order to help Jay, Matt, and you, the beloved readers and listeners of IWS, choose healthy alternatives to your meat eating, colon-disintegrating lifestyles.

Likey for instance…did you know that you can make a delicious hamburger out of black beans and mushrooms?

You can taste the magic of a Sunday morning brunch using egg beaters and popsicle sticks.

You can in fact, sample the meaty delights of a Tuscan dinner by substituting the ground beef or sausage in your spaghetti with wheat germ and asbestos.

In fact, I call my asbestos pasta dish, MesotheliomaGAWD!!  Yes, it’s that good.

Some people give asbestos a bad name, but its better for you than eating Elsie and/or Piglet.

Anywhey, I feel blessed by God All Her Mighty that I have this forum on which to speak, so that I may give you tips that will prolong your life and make you a fortress against germs and….excuse me, I am feeling faint, I don’t know what it is, but I am sure its not a lack of protein…so hush.

Okay, I just ingested a rose petal and I am fine now.  See?  The healing power of the vegan lifestyle in action.

Anywhey, I hope that I can one day convince you that we should one day live as God intended.

To live in a garden wearing nothing but our pale skin, while eating nothing but "good for you" fruit full of temptation and molted snake skin.

Until we do that, how can we ever hope to be free and find eternal peace?

Yours in a World That Eats Nothing with Eyes,

Brock

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

I Am Matt-Man, But You Can Call Me Job

Cheers and Happy Friday Chuckleheads…Matt-Man here to help you get your big, Super Bowl XLVI weekend kicked off right.

And how will I do that, you ask yourselves?

In order to help you make you feel great about yourselves, Ima gonna tell you about all the simple, yet highly irritating misfortunes that occur to me at the most inopportune times.

Oh yeah, Bitches…

While I am not one who adheres to deadlines and timelines by any means, every day annoyances happen to me right on schedule, meaning…their schedule.

Like last night for instance.  I got home around 9:15 PM knowing that it was me who was scheduled to post on IWS for Friday.  I had put some thought into it while at work, and decided I would write about all the garbage some people post on Facebook.

I’d get home…Re-read some hilarious religious, political, and oh woe is me posts on Facebook and make fun of them.  Simple enough, right?

Sure…If you’re not me.

I got home, went to get on Facebook and voila…I couldn't read anything on Facebook, because using MY browser on MY computer, it was all fucked up.  I asked around to see if others were having problems.  Nope, not a one…Just yours truly.  And then I began to think…

This kinda stupid shit happens to me all the damn time.

Dig it…This past week, I did nine sets of taxes for various people including myself.  Three sets of Federal, State, and Local tax returns.

Eight of the nine returns were accepted as correct.  Guess whose State return was screwed up due to a simple, tiny mistake?  Uh-huh…

Mine.

Hell, yesterday my BFF/OSP Schmoop already got her State refund which I did for her only days ago, and what did I get for my efforts?  Nothing, but the right to be nicknamed, H&R Blockhead, and a one way ticket to Palookaville.

A couple of weeks ago, I was running incredibly late for work.  I managed to get showered, dressed, and ready to go when what did I hear?  A whooshing sound.  A wet, warbling, whooshing sound.  The toilet was running and about to run over.

After cursing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and his Almighty, practical joke wielding Father, I fixed the toilet, ran through the wind and rain to work, and arrived with two minutes to spare.

Desperately in need of a smoke, I stuck my hand in my pocket, only to discover there was nothing there.  I had left my smokes at home in the GODDAMN Bathroom!!

Hell, the other night at work, I was in need of an energy boost, so I bought the last no-carb Monster that we had in stock.  I rang it up; paid for it, and when I went open it…the FUCKING tab broke off without opening the can.

I am not afraid to admit…I wept a bit.

There is hope however, and there is a bit of promise perhaps.

Due to my schedule at work, I have yet to see my kid play any of his High School basketball games this year.

This Tuesday if the weather is not too bad, and he doesn’t have to work at his “every day” job of snow removal and maintenance, Bill who works off and on for us, is going to work my evening shift, so that I may attend my son’s game…on my birthday no less.

While I find that very sweet of him, I know that given my track record in life, it ain’t going to happen.

Because…

Even if the weather is perfect and Billy Boy does show up?

As I am driving to my son’s game, with music cranked and a birthday smile upon my face, I will suddenly hear an explosion and a koo-lumpa-lumpa-lumpa sound a mile or so away from his school.

I will pull over to the side of the road, once again curse the Baby Jeebus, and begin to fix the flat tire…or the two flat tires, oh what the hell, I’ll fix all, GODDAMN FOUR flat tires.

Have a good weekend everyone, and enjoy the Super Bowl.  I’ll miss the first quarter because I am working, but I’ll get to see the rest of it.

Provided our TV doesn’t go on the shits, which...I'm sure it will.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws    

Rick Santorum 2012: Does the Office Come with a Cool Hat Like The Pope Has?

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves.”
--Matthew 7:15

“A Conservative Government is an organized hypocrisy.”
--Benjamin Disraeli

It is often said, that when attacking a political opponent, the most effective words to use against him or her are their own.

As former Sen. Rick Santorum, after his virtual tie with Mitt Romney, on a wing and several prayers, descends upon New Hampshire like the David who more or less defeated the Mormon Goliath, I have a few thoughts about him.

I don’t like Santorum.  In fact…I looooathe him.

Santorum’s “near victory” speech after the Iowa Caucuses was very well-done…even, to a certain extent, poetic.

He eloquently wafted on about his immigrant parents and their Horatio Alger type successes.  He waxed emotionally about the hard working, coal dust covered and ember ridden steel workers of the Monongahela River Valley.

He spoke of by-gone days of American exceptionalism in Western Pennsylvania.  It was stirring.

He also spoke of freedom…of liberty…of opportunity…where each and every American has the right to go forth, and with all the freedoms that America offers to him or her, be all he or she wants to be.

And yet, in Santorum’s well-written and colorful version of freedom…there lie a few caveats, or perhaps in his case, dicta.

First and foremost being, there will be no abortions in this country.

The Almighty Santorum speaketh...

I don’t care if you were held against your will in this land of personal liberty, YOU WILL HAVE THAT BABY!!  

Have all the freedoms you want, Mizz Probably Asking For It…AFTER you give birth to the Meth Head rapist’s zygote which comes to bear fruit in the form of a beautiful and bouncing baby boy.

Perhaps Mr. Meth Head should have worn a condom, but as you know, that is but an artificial semen dam to God’s righteousness so I wouldn’t have allowed that anyway.

Hey Bryce and Chandler!?  Quit being gay, and don’t even think about getting married, because for eons, God has dictated that only man and woman can marry.  He said that somewhere in the Bible or maybe I heard it from Bill Donahue.

Either way, remember…A cock in the ass, is worth two gay birds in Hell…or something.

And for all you Anti-Semites out there…I stand by Israel no matter what, and if you don’t, you are un-American.

Israel was put here by God and more importantly, by the United Nations in 1948.  And while I will kick the UN out of New York before my term has expired, they at least did something right on the Jewish Question.

And in order to protect Israel and the Second Coming of Christ, which I do not fully understand, I will bomb Iran at the first signs of them building a nuclear reactor, or anything that resembles a corn silo like I saw while in Iowa.

Also…Under a Santorum Administration, Flag Burning, Bestiality, Amorous Hand-Shaking, Drinking, and giving YOUR money to black people in order to make them more comfortable will be prohibited.

Other than that, feel free to be yourselves.

Oh, one other thing…When I name Newt Gingrich my Consort-in-Chief, don’t laugh.  He has a very thin skin, and he can go ballistic.

Somewhere, Benjamin Disraeli and Edmund Burke are crying...Not to mention fellow Catholic, Jack Kennedy...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:   neshobdude@yahoo.com
twitter:  mattmaniws

God Is an Oversexed, Freak Flag Flying Liberal

There have been several GOP Presidential debates thus far, and I have watched and listened to most of the oratorical-political sparring that has taken place between Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann and the other Republican hopefuls.

I must say…

This gaggle of goo-heads may be the most moronic group of folks assembled since the last Motley Crue reunion tour, however…

I don’t think this because of their stances or lack of stances on issues such as economics or foreign affairs. No my friends, it’s their stances on social issues and how they relate them and justify them to their faith and belief in God. And…

They get the God is a social conservative shit so damn wrong. Listen to me folks…

God is one whacked-out pervert, who has flexed his supernatural sinew of slutdom and unfurled his omin-formidable, free love freak flag throughout history.

Now dig it…

What’s one of the first things God did? He created Adam. And shortly after that? He created Eve. And how did he create Eve?

He used one of Adam’s ribs…Hmmmmm. To me that sounds like some serious supernatural, anti-Christian cloning and rib-cell research. It also begs the following hypothesis…

When Adam lay down and had sex with Eve, wasn’t he really having sex with himself? In fact, since Adam’s sexcapdes with his clone were directed by God, wasn’t God saying to Adam:

“Adam, go fuck yourself.”

And then later on, God while in the process of destroying the city of Sodom realizes he is going to need to re-populate the place when the carnage is over, so what does he do?

Instead of introducing a nice young couple to become man and wife and make some babies, he chooses old man Lot and his two daughters. The daughters ply Lot with Manischewitz and engage in a sexfest of Biblical proportions. All the while, Lot can be heard screaming:

“Who’s your daddy?”

Ha…Drunkeness and an incestuous three-way…It’s like a Russ Meyer flick. God is one uber-cool sick fuck.

And then we advanced to the times of King David. Ah yes, David…The mighty warrior and future King who smited Goliath, and built a Jewish empire under the watchful eye of God. Uh-huh…

When David wasn’t toppling giants or crushing the armies of his enemies, he was writing psalms and hanging out with Saul’s son Jonathan playing Crouching Hebrew, Hidden Latke.

Oh yeahhhhhh, David was as queer as a square bagel. And, God dug him.

And then, we have the story of Mary…Holy Cow!!

God decides he wants a son, so he impregnates another man’s wife by raping her via supernatural in vitro fertilization and today we celebrate that illicit action with twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and gift cards to Target.

Gimme a break you GOP Presidential candidates…

You may say you are a God-fearing Christian with a deep belief in the Almighty, but c’mon…the God you choose to believe in and with whom you claim to have a personal relationship, is not the same God I know.

My God among other wacky things, is a huge fan of cloning, auto-erotic sex acts, homosexuality, sex out of wedlock, unnatural child birth, and coining offensive phrases that are still in use today.

On top of that, he has houses of worship built in his honor and has other people foot the bill, all the while getting a Goddamn tax-exempt status!!

Man…if all that doesn’t add up to the definition of a free love, freak flag waving Liberal, I don’t know what does, and you my Fundamentalist GOP friends need to stop waving the Bible and actually give it a read.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

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