Crackerville In Da House!

Howdy Ho folks!  Crackerville here. Some of you may know me by Wacky Cracky, or the Crackinator, or Sexy Cracky or my favorite, Crackerlicious. As you should recall, I was the featured guest on I’m With Stupid: The Sandwich Show episode.  That was the day I set the internets on fire and Matt-Man and Jayman made me famous! 

So, when Jayman suggested over on Twitter that maybe I could do a guest post for the IWS blog, I responded “I’m at your service!” Cause that’s just the sweet and thoughtful kind of girl I am. In fact, if you ever look at my Tumblr (WARNING: SOOOOO NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) you’ll see that I’m a very giving girl. Besides, I was one of the first I’m With Stupid Girls. So, I’ll do damn near anything for my boys.

Anyhoodle, I thought for my sure to be award-winning post here, I would go with a little stream of consciousness blogging.  Let’s do this!  

I love the internet. I’ve met so many amazing and interesting people here. If you read my Tumblr blog you’ll know what one of them is “Sir.” He’s really taught me to think outside the box. And put things inside MY box! As Matt-Man would say “Hey-OOOOO!” 

Don’t look at my Tumblr if you’re super sensitive or easily offended. There aren’t too many people like that on the internet, except for a few mouthy bitches on Twitter who are obsessed with me. In general, I guess people with a stick up their butt shouldn’t be following me. 

Branson, MO likes to call itself the “Entertainment Capital of America” but only because I’m here. I’m entertaining as hell baby! 

I love the NFL. I especially love Peyton Manning. He better sign a new deal with the Colts and gets his hot ass out there playing. Man, that guy could send a play right through my five-hole anytime. Or drill one into my tight end. Or penetrate my defense. Or tell me to go DEEEEEEEEP! Or flicker my flea. Or run a power dive into my box. OR run a QB sneak up my middle. If you get my drift, and I think that you do.  Eli can watch cause he’s kinda nice too. 

I love summer cause I love to swim during the day and then grill out at night. And while we’re grilling I like to kick back and drink some Keystone Ice.  I like Keystone cause it’s smooth like Keith Stone. Oh, and I might do a few shots of tequila every once in a while too. That’s when things really get wild! Woo-Hoo! 

I quit smoking four months ago. Damn that was hard. I had to find a new hobby and deal with my oral fixation. Thank goodness I found Tubmlr and “Sir.”  Of course, that candle wax burned like a motherfucker though. Maybe I shouldn’t have used cheapo candles form Walmart? But, that’s the cost of being an entertainer. You have to sacrifice for your craft. Amirite? 

Boy, I sure could go for a roast beef sandwich right about now. No, not a RUSTY sandwich Matt-Man! I know what you were thinking. 

Okay kids! That’s really all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll be back around someday in the future. But, even if I don’t, I know you’ll remember me forever. That’s what happens when you get Crackerfied! 

And always remember kids. Crackerville loves you. <3 

My Indecent Proposal...

As you probably know, last week NFL owners voted to approve their own proposal and then held a press conference celebrating the fact that they agreed with what they had agreed to propose. It was all done in an attempt to force the players to quickly agree to the deal or risk losing the PR war with the fans.

Well, this gave me a great idea. I would like to publicly announce that I have agreed to my own proposal to have sex with Mila Kunis. Below are the details of the proposal that I have very generously made to Ms. Kunis:

- Mila will be allowed to choose between a tray of Kraft sharp cheddar cheese slices, Petit Jean Mountain summer sausage and Club Crackers, or a Digioro’s thin crust pepperoni frozen pizza for dinner. Great Value Vienna Sausages will also be available for snacking purposes if needed.

- There will be the choice of Charles Shaw (AKA: Two Buck Chuck) Pinot Grigio or Franzia Sunset Blush box wine, Jose Cuervo tequila and Dos Equis beer in the fridge and ready to be consumed.

- Room will be cooled to 69° F.

- Room will be completely dark with the exception the light from my clock radio and my Batman night light.

- The five disc CD player will be loaded with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Otis Redding CDs in that order and will be played from song one, disc one.

- The linens on my bed will be washed (twice) in All Allergy Free powder washing detergent and then dried using Gain fabric sheets.  They will not be placed on the bed until one hour prior to Ms. Kunis’ arrival.

- Four-play will begin at exactly 8 pm CDT and will continue until 9:03 pm CDT.

- During four-play Ms. Kunis will wear nothing but a t-shirt and thong. 

- Jayman will wear nothing but his boxers and has agreed to forgo the wearing of socks to bed. 

- After a quick potty break and the opportunity for Ms. Kunis to slam a few more tequila shots, sexual intercourse will begin at 9:17 pm CDT and will last no less than seven and no more than twenty-seven minutes. 

- After sexual intercourse has concluded there will be a period of cuddling to last between 11 and 53 minutes in which Jayman promises not to fall asleep. 

- There will be four photographs allowed. 1. Jayman and Mila embarrassing in a warm hug upon her arrival. 2. Mila sitting on Jayman’s lap with her arm around Jayman’s neck and Jayman’s right hand on Mila’s thigh. 3. Mila and Jayman engaged in a loving, passionate kiss while lying on the bed. And 4. A very special post coital bliss photo of Jayman and Mila cuddling while nekkid. 

- Jayman will be allowed to post a 500 word or less review of his night with Mila on the I’m With Stupid blog and on his Tumblr, but will use only two of the photos on each blog. 

-Jayman also agrees to not discuss the encounter with Ms Kunis on the “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show as he agrees that his partner Matt-Man lacks the social graces to treat the entire encounter with the respect it deserves. 

- Ms Kunis agrees to leave her thong and to allow Jayman to hang them from a nail above his bed. And from the rear view mirror in his car on weekends.

After reviewing this proposal thoroughly, Jayman has voted unanimously, 1-0, to approve this proposal and will begin making preparations for this wonderful event immediately upon Mila’s acceptance, which should happen promptly. 

I should warn Ms Kunis though, that failure to accept this proposal expeditiously will result very bad PR for her and could cost her a lot of her support that she currently enjoys from people throughout the world. So, it is definitely in her best interest to not let this drag out very long. 

I look forward to word of her acceptance of my proposal and promise to keep everyone updated.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman3768

 

Rapid Fire Radio...

This morning on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman covered A LOT of ground.  We fired off topics like Anders Behring Breivik firing away at his intended targets.  Remember kids, you can’t call Breivik a “terrorist” because he’s a white Christian.  Only brown skinned people can be called “terrorists” folks. Try to remember that. 

Anyway, we talked a bit about the very tragic death of Amy Winehouse and wondered how it could be that they are having trouble determining a cause of death.  Really guys? You would think this one would be an easy call. 

And OMG!! The NFL IS BACK! THE LOCKOUT IS OVER! Thank God too because I was starting to get worried that we might all have to find other things to do on Sundays this fall. Like get out of the house or read a book or God help us SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY!  But, thankfully we won’t have to do any of those things. 

Also, Brett Favre. 

Let’s see, what else did we hit on? Oh yeah, we criticized Tim “T-Paw” Pawlenty for taking cheap shots at our girl Michele Bachamnn. Pawlenty, being the coward that he is, is widely believed to be the source of the migraine hit piece on Bachmann. What a dirty and cheap sexist T-Paw is! I’m so disappointed in him.  

Anyway, we hit on all those topics and so much more. We also welcomed a few folks to the I’m With Stupid blog as they showed up on the hit counter AND gave a shout out to Time Warner Cable customer service who we know was probably listening. We had to give them credit for quickly giving into IWS demands and getting that maintenance at the Bagwine Digs scheduled.

So, why don’t you give the show a listen? It will brighten your day. Guaranteed or your money back. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Brett Favre Playing for the Philadelphia Eagles?

It’s being reported that the Philadelphia Eagles may be interested in hiring 68 year old Brett Farve as a back up to quarterback Michael Vick once the NFL lockout comes to an end.

Upon hearing this, a few things came to mind.

First I thought…

I’d really like for an NFL labor agreement to be reached so there’s football this year, but if the only way to keep Favre and His Traveling Drama Show from coming back to the NFL is to continue the lockout, so be it!!

Then I asked myself…

If Favre does sign a hefty contract with the Eagles does he still get the full amount of his Social Security check? ‘Cause if he does, that’s bullshit, man!!

Finally, I pondered…

There is going to be a lot of cost and confusion in Philadelphia when Favre comes to town and the Philly Convention and Visitors Bureau has to change all of their marketing materials to read…

Philadelphia: The City of Grandfatherly Love!!

Oy Vay…Favre back in the NFL? What’s next?

Will the Boston Red Sox give 73 year old knuckleballer Tim Wakefield a ten year contract extension?

Will the Toronto Maple Leafs enlist Stephen Hawking to be their goalie next season?

Will Playboy magazine make an offer to Phyllis Diller to be Miss December?

Oh the humanity. Please Brett Favre…I beseech you, Eagles front office. Make the madness stop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Make sure to listen to us today on BTR at 11 AM EDT. For show information click on the Radio Show tab at the top of the page.