You Know What's Wrong With This Country?

Well it was a rather amazing Thanksgiving here in Redneckville. Because of car problems and various other reasons, we had to stay here for Thanksgiving and not go up to beautiful and exotic Omaha, Nebraska. So, mom decided to invite her friend M.E. over for T-Giving dinner.

M.E. decided not to go to T-Giving at any of her children’s houses, so we invited her over and she spent the day explaining to us what was wrong with “this country.” Every single problem she identified applied to “this country” and not just individual people. This is what we got 4 hours of…

“I spent the whole afternoon at the cable company’s office yesterday trying to get them to explain to me why all my channels are letterbox now. They tried to claim I could fix it with my remote. That’s ridiculous. They’ve done something and just won’t fix it. We have no decent customer service in this country anymore.”

“We just have no social graces in this country anymore. Everyone just uses the ‘F-word’ non-stop anymore.”

“This country has lost all sense of decency and morality. People behave like animals.”

“Are there even any white players LEFT in athletics in this country anymore?”

“There isn’t a single decent or honest politician anywhere in this country. They’re all a bunch of crooks and liars. Every single one of them.”

“We’ve allowed the family until to just fall apart in this country. People have to move away to find decent jobs. Families separate and never see each other. Of course, I’m not all that happy with my family right now.”

“Nobody lives here (Redneckville) anymore. The ones who do work somewhere else. We’re a ‘closet’ community.”

“We’re just way too informal anymore in this country. I’m embarrassed by what my granddaughter wears sometimes.”

“Everyone in this country is driven only by greed anymore. Nothing else. And the commercialization of everything is just disgusting. I have to get up and hit the Black Friday sales in Branson tomorrow.”

“The internet is just destroying this country. Nobody ever deals with other human beings anymore in this country because of it. Everyone stays home and instead of talking to REAL people they talk to these internet people. And then they do their shopping on there. Nobody ever gets out and does things in this country anymore.”

“No company hires Americans to work for them anymore in this country. They just import people from Asia who will work so much cheaper. And then our rich people in this country don’t do any charity for America anymore. They all go to Africa to do any charity.”  

Then there was this hilarious exchange between M.E. and my mother:

Mom: “Dan H. wants the Tea Party to help him recall the mayor.”
M.E: “Who the hell is Van H?”
Mom: “DAN”
M.E: “And what’s Van H’s problem with the mayor?”
Mom: “It’s DAN H. and I don’t really know, there was just a story about it in the paper.”
M.E: “Well, I’ve never even heard of this Van H.”
Mom: “DAN. Dee. Ayy. Ennn.  He used to be mayor and was just voted off the city council.”
M.E: “Ohhhh! Yeah, DAN H. used to be mayor, but I don’t know Van.”

So basically, all that stuff so much more that I couldn’t remember is what’s wrong with this country. But, the food was good and the wine dulled the senses beautifully and all in all it was a nice day.

Also, our first liquor store opened here in Redneckville almost a year after our voting to go wet. I took full advantage of the situation and got something that would put me in the proper mood for the day … 

A Thanksgiving Message from Thanksgiving Him or Her Self

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I‘m With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.”

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

All questions and comments to Thanksgiving can be routed to Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

A Thanksgiving Message of Hope and Inspiration from Pope Benedict XVI

Guten Tag and Pax Vobiscum, Bitches!!

Blitzkrieg Benny here for I’m With Stupid with a message of hope and inspiration for my Catholic brethren and sisteren in the United States as you prepare for your annual feast and celebration of Thanksgiving.

Although I reside in Vatican City and am a vast ocean and continent removed from you, I continue to be impressed and inspired by the November observance of your national day of Thanksgiving.

Your American celebration of God and Country takes me back to November 1938 when I was eleven, celebrating my Fatherland’s first national Kristallnacht Holiday with my family in Bavaria.

It was a special time when the entire nation of Germany, sat back, took a deep breath, and collectively inhaled the soon-to-be non-Jewish fresh air.  We sang, partied, and feasted.

And boy did we, as you will once again this Thursday, feast!!

I remember my mom would rise before the sun and in her efficient and workman-like Teutonic manner, prepare a meal that would make Hermann Goering blush.

Much like you honor the courage of your Pilgrims founding a new nation with a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, and the such, we would honor our Storm Pilgrims founding a new Reich with a meal that reflected their victory over our national affliction.

We’d feast on platefuls of sweet herbs, leavened bread, and sausage.  We’d nosh on knishes stuffed with BBQ swine, and lobster.  And after the meal, we’d listen to Dear Leader’s Kristallnacht Day address and then at midnight..?

Just as you Americans assault the stores in search of bargains on Black Friday, we would assault the local stores in search of Jewish shopkeepers on Brown Shirt Friday.

It was a magical time, and as the entire celebration does for you in America, it brought our nation closer together.  Alas…

For me, the celebration of Kristallnacht has long passed.  Ironically enough, in large part to you Americans and your puritanical fervor for ridding the world of free thinking supremacists, and loathing of medal laden leather trench coats and hot looking jack boots.

It saddens me, but as I am in the business of acknowledging contrition and turning the other cheek, I forgive you.

Anyhoo…I am now the leader of the Catholic Church, and stuck here in Italy surrounded by effeminate, pantaloon wearing Swiss Guardsmen instead of beefy, leather clad SS men, and eating eggs Florentine instead of potato pancakes and sauerbraten.

I tell ya, it’s hard to get good food and good help here in Italy.  Just ask the late Der Fuhrer.  Dear God in Heaven, Mussolini was a pussy.

However…

I do want to give thanks to you in America for helping me to recall the joy that was Kristallnacht Day, and because of you, I shall tell you the three things for which I am grateful…

I just got new tires on the Pope Mobile.

Notre Dame will be going to a bowl game this year, and…

I have found true love and my life has been made whole by meeting my new lover, Haji…

My relationship with Haji teaches the world two things.

One…Even at the ripe old age of 84 it is not too late to find true love.

And two?

It shows all of my Cardinals, Priests, and other ecumenical underlings, that enjoying hot sex is not relegated to having it with boys who are younger than fourteen.

Happy Kristallnacht…Happy Thanksgiving, and as always…

Yours in Christ,

Pope Benedict XVI

If you have any questions for Benny or would like to request an audience with the Pope, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Thanksgiving is About Planning and Preparation

Hola Bitches!

Jayman here, and I’m going to help get you ready for Thanksgiving. I know you’re thinking “Hey, that’s not until Thursday.” Well, that’s true, but you can never start preparing soon enough. There is just so much to do. So many decisions to make. So many plans. So much time needed to sit and watch old Thanksgiving episodes of Giada de Laurentiis on Food Network.

What? Who else you gonna watch? Sandra Lee? She probably uses turkey meat from a can and mixes it with ranch dressing and some spices in a food processer and then molds it into the form of a turkey. Rachael Ray? I doubt she even cooks her own turkey. Ina Garten? She probably gets some fancy custom made free range hybrid organic turkey flown in FROM TURKEY.

The first thing you have to do is count how many people you’re feeding. We’ll be doing Thanksgiving for three here at the Jayman Estates and I’ll be cooking most of it. Once you know how many you have to decide what time. We’re going to shoot for an early afternoon lunch. Somewhere around 1:30 ish.

Now you have to set the menu. Turkey? Or Turkey Breast? Or no turkey at all and instead have pork roast, ham, goose, duck or red meat? We’re going with turkey breast because that’s what everyone else wants. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m into dark meat, but I like to just go along so turkey breast it is. Side dishes will be mashed potatoes (not sweet potatoes, but some people like that crap), stuffing that will be brought by our guest as well as her candied yams (whatever the hell those are) asparagus and pea casserole (others go with green bean instead), cranberry sauce and of course some dinner rolls.

And wine. You don’t want to screw up the wine choice. Don’t be a cheapskate on this one. I recommend going with a good Merlot or maybe even a top quality Red Zinfandel. I know most people will get Cabernets, but I don’t really like Cabs. Also, I don’t like to follow all those snooty “rules” about which wine goes with which foods. Just so long as you get good wine, you’ll be okay.

Simple, yet delicious menu. Although I’m still looking around to see if there is something else I should add to it. Like Nachos or something good like that.

Next we have dessert. This one is always tough because people like what they like and don’t do much compromising on desserts. We’re going with Apple Pie (frozen, not homemade) and some Vanilla Ice Cream to go with it. A lot of people prefer to be all traditional and shit and go with Pumpkin Pie. My mother loves Pecan Pie, but she wants to wait and have one on Christmas. See, you gotta think these things through and make some tough decisions.

As you can see, all the tough decisions have to be made in advance. With proper preparation, you can make Thanksgiving Day go smoothly. The only things you have to worry about is making sure you don’t have all your side dishes sitting around getting cold while you’re waiting for the turkey to get done, or vice versa. And, you have more time to decide when the big family fight will break out. Don’t want that to happen too early in the day.

Of course, if you don’t want to do any of this you could always just go to Shoney’s.

OH one other thing! Another great tip would be for you to listen to our Thanksgiving Preview Show from Saturday. It was another 45 minutes of pure comedy and Thanksgiving GOLD!  Especially when Sunshine State Shirley, Mike and Mrs. Mike all called in. How much fun would they be at T-Giving dinner? I’m guessing a hell of a lot more fun than your family.

So check it out! We thank you so very much for listening and telling all your friends about us. You guys rock!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

IWS Babe of the Week: Gobble Gobble

The Holiday Season officially kicks off this week across this great land of ours, and it's no different here at the vast media empire of I'm With Stupid.

However, unlike most of America and all of Madison Avenue we don't ignore Thanksgiving. And, to honor those pesky pilgrims who braved the elements, sickness, and funny clothes, we say thank you, and let us getteh jiggy with it...

Mmmmmm, oh how I'd love to churn Abigail's butter...

If Poconaughty ever said "How" to me I'd show her how.

And of course the day after Thanksgiving millions of American hit the stores during "Black Friday".  I never participate, but if this is what I could get on sale during Black Friday, maybe I'd change my mind.

Gobble Gobble,

Matt-Man

Matt Said, Jay Said XIV

Matt talks a lot. Jay talks a lot. You guys can’t get enough.

Matt: “WONG NUMBA! YOU GOT WONG NUMBA!”
Jay: “May I speak to the man of the house.”
Matt: “YOU WAIT ONE MINUTE I GET CWAZY GUY!”
Matt: “Matt-Man here, how may I be of service?”
Jay: “I got your service right here buddy.”
Matt: “You Sick Fuck.”
Jay: “Hey, I’m not the one with the Korean Houseboy.”
Matt: “I found him on Craigslist!”

Jay: “I’m loving those PolitiChicks.”
Matt: “They are quite entertaining.”
Jay: “And they’ve inspired me.”
Matt: “I’m afraid to ask.”
Jay: “You, Me, 2 other dudes doing a political webtv show.”
Matt: “Yeah?”
Jay: “POLITIDICKS!”
Matt: “Oh dear God.”
Jay: “It’s brilliant, isn’t it?”
Matt: “Yes, and we’ll RISE to great levels.”
Jay: “And SPEW out beliefs all over the internet’s face.”
Matt: “And … EWWW! .. And, we’ll hit the issues HARD!”
Jay: “And never go SOFT on anyone. Not even Victoria Jackson.”

Matt: "Let's not get carried away."

Jay: "You'd amend her constitution and you know it."
Matt: “Jesus. That’s sick. I don’t want to play anymore.”

Jay: “So, Thanksgiving Preview on Saturday’s show?”
Matt: “Well that would make sense.”
Jay: “We could talk about what we’re making and give some ideas.”
Matt: “We are dining and entertaining experts.”
Jay: “Martha Stewart, Ina Garten, Giada de Laurentiis, Sandra Lee? They got nothing on us.”
Matt: “What are you talking about?”
Jay: “We're the male version of those hotties.”
Matt: “Anyway, we’ll talk turkey.”
Jay: “And stuffing.”
Matt: “Mashed potatoes.”
Jay: “Asparagus and Pea Casserole.”
Matt: “I do a green bean casserole. Never tried the A&P.”
Jay: “It’s delicious, but so is the green bean. How ‘bout yams?”
Matt: “I like yams…”
Jay: “Gross.”
Matt: “But Schmoop doesn’t.”
Jay: “Schmoop has great taste.”
Matt: “Most of the time.”
Jay: “So, Thanksgiving Preview it is!”
Matt: “It will be HUGE!”

--

In other news, on Wednesday Matt-Man and I rambled and meandered around the big issues of the day like a lazy river winding its way to the ocean. We talked about the NFL, I ranted about Sabermetrics, we talked Herman Cain and well, just all kinds of other stuff. So check it out and be entertained the way you like it.

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