The War on Christmas is Bullshit

Hey guys! Marty Martstein, I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas Correspondent here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve never been more proud to NOT be a Christian than I was on Black Friday of this year.

What the fuck is your problem people? Pepper spraying other customers to keep them away from the Xbox games? Tazing people? Rioting over cheap electronics? Knocking over old people and even robbing people in the parking lot? And of course, my favorite, showing your ass, literally as it hangs out of your sweats when you brawl with other customers over $2 waffle irons?

And after all this you have the audacity to lecture the rest of the world about their behavior? You call OTHER countries “uncivilized” and refer to OTHER cultures as “inferior” and OTHER people as “savages?”

Now you people are all going to spend the next month bitching about whether someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays?” Really? Come on people. You go out on Black Friday and put on this disgusting display of crass materialism and greed, and now you’re going to turn around and tell everyone “Jesus is the reason for the Season.” That’s a bit hypocritical of you, don’t you think?

Look, I have no problem with the checkers at Walmart or some other store telling me to have a Merry Christmas. They don’t know that I don’t celebrate and it would be rude of me to correct them. I’m not offended by Christmas music playing over the loudspeakers in public places, nor am I offended by Christmas trees or even nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn. Hell, if my kids went to public schools with the riff-raff regular kids, I wouldn’t even mind them participating in the schools production of A Christmas Carol or being a part of the Christmas pageant.

Nobody is! That’s what’s so stupid about all this War on Christmas crap. The only people who are offended by Christmas are guilty white liberals who, as always, believe it’s their place to tell “minorities” when we should be offended. I can make up my own mind on that, thankyouverymuch. And so can everyone else.

But, of course this gives people the chance to claim that Christians, who make up over 80% of the people in this country and over 90% of all elected officials, are being oppressed. This is the biggest load of bullshit ever. And, let’s not forget the people who want businesses and corporations to be “left alone” and allowed to do what they feel is best to make profits so they can create shareholder wealth and jobs are the ones who want to tell the businesses and corporations what to do. This is because they don’t just want the totally made up date of birth of their Lord and Savior acknowledged, they want it forced upon those who either don’t believe or have different beliefs. And then there’s the whole thing about how the great defenders of Christianity in the media are a bunch of multiple-divorces, drug-addicted, sexual-harassing loud-mouths, and you can see that this whole thing is pretty much bullshit.

So instead of spending the next month at each other’s throats having a huge argument over nothing, why don’t we all just tell the people on both sides of this completely made up War on Christmas crap to shut the fuck up and just enjoy the festive holiday season. And maybe show a little of that goodwill towards man stuff we hear about all the time too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch my DVD of A Muppet Christmas Carol. If you need me, just contact my Christian friend Jayman.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

P.S. I highly recommend I'm With Stupids "Black Saturday" episode. It was non-stop fun and jocularity as Matt-Man and Jayman mocked the Black Friday folks and Matt took advantage of his cold to do his best ever Peter Brady impression. And then things really got fun when Dana Lu called in to tell us about her Black Friday experience. Overall, a damn good show. 

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A Thanksgiving Message from Thanksgiving Him or Her Self

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I‘m With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.”

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

All questions and comments to Thanksgiving can be routed to Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

A Thanksgiving Message of Hope and Inspiration from Pope Benedict XVI

Guten Tag and Pax Vobiscum, Bitches!!

Blitzkrieg Benny here for I’m With Stupid with a message of hope and inspiration for my Catholic brethren and sisteren in the United States as you prepare for your annual feast and celebration of Thanksgiving.

Although I reside in Vatican City and am a vast ocean and continent removed from you, I continue to be impressed and inspired by the November observance of your national day of Thanksgiving.

Your American celebration of God and Country takes me back to November 1938 when I was eleven, celebrating my Fatherland’s first national Kristallnacht Holiday with my family in Bavaria.

It was a special time when the entire nation of Germany, sat back, took a deep breath, and collectively inhaled the soon-to-be non-Jewish fresh air.  We sang, partied, and feasted.

And boy did we, as you will once again this Thursday, feast!!

I remember my mom would rise before the sun and in her efficient and workman-like Teutonic manner, prepare a meal that would make Hermann Goering blush.

Much like you honor the courage of your Pilgrims founding a new nation with a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, and the such, we would honor our Storm Pilgrims founding a new Reich with a meal that reflected their victory over our national affliction.

We’d feast on platefuls of sweet herbs, leavened bread, and sausage.  We’d nosh on knishes stuffed with BBQ swine, and lobster.  And after the meal, we’d listen to Dear Leader’s Kristallnacht Day address and then at midnight..?

Just as you Americans assault the stores in search of bargains on Black Friday, we would assault the local stores in search of Jewish shopkeepers on Brown Shirt Friday.

It was a magical time, and as the entire celebration does for you in America, it brought our nation closer together.  Alas…

For me, the celebration of Kristallnacht has long passed.  Ironically enough, in large part to you Americans and your puritanical fervor for ridding the world of free thinking supremacists, and loathing of medal laden leather trench coats and hot looking jack boots.

It saddens me, but as I am in the business of acknowledging contrition and turning the other cheek, I forgive you.

Anyhoo…I am now the leader of the Catholic Church, and stuck here in Italy surrounded by effeminate, pantaloon wearing Swiss Guardsmen instead of beefy, leather clad SS men, and eating eggs Florentine instead of potato pancakes and sauerbraten.

I tell ya, it’s hard to get good food and good help here in Italy.  Just ask the late Der Fuhrer.  Dear God in Heaven, Mussolini was a pussy.

However…

I do want to give thanks to you in America for helping me to recall the joy that was Kristallnacht Day, and because of you, I shall tell you the three things for which I am grateful…

I just got new tires on the Pope Mobile.

Notre Dame will be going to a bowl game this year, and…

I have found true love and my life has been made whole by meeting my new lover, Haji…

My relationship with Haji teaches the world two things.

One…Even at the ripe old age of 84 it is not too late to find true love.

And two?

It shows all of my Cardinals, Priests, and other ecumenical underlings, that enjoying hot sex is not relegated to having it with boys who are younger than fourteen.

Happy Kristallnacht…Happy Thanksgiving, and as always…

Yours in Christ,

Pope Benedict XVI

If you have any questions for Benny or would like to request an audience with the Pope, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

IWS Babe of the Week: Gobble Gobble

The Holiday Season officially kicks off this week across this great land of ours, and it's no different here at the vast media empire of I'm With Stupid.

However, unlike most of America and all of Madison Avenue we don't ignore Thanksgiving. And, to honor those pesky pilgrims who braved the elements, sickness, and funny clothes, we say thank you, and let us getteh jiggy with it...

Mmmmmm, oh how I'd love to churn Abigail's butter...

If Poconaughty ever said "How" to me I'd show her how.

And of course the day after Thanksgiving millions of American hit the stores during "Black Friday".  I never participate, but if this is what I could get on sale during Black Friday, maybe I'd change my mind.

Gobble Gobble,

Matt-Man