Sarah Palin...Happy Fourth of July

Five, six, seven, eight….You betcha, and right, okay?

Sarah Palin here for IWS.

I know…you are all a thinkin’….what has happened to Sarah Palin?

Well…nothing good, but Jayman and Matt-Man have graciously allowed me to comment on the airwaves of their blog, and asked me to someday post on their radio show, so ima gonna make full use of their inconveniences.

Next week marks our nation’s 122nd birthday, and as we were back then, an unincorporated land, Thomas Jefferson finally had the balls to scream to the world…

“The Gay Nineties have arrived, could we please put an end to British buggery, and their colonization of the Americas, sans Belize…Belizean chicks are HOT, and even hotter since those darkies have a British accent.”

TJ knew what was what, however, a fellow Republican, one Bill McKinley, said…well Bill didn’t say much…he got assassinated by a rogue Indian’s arrow whose family grew up to watch MSNBC, so I guess you could say that that Ohioan was actually a, By-Gone-Again.

Ha…My retarded son would like that joke….if he could read, but I digest….Anyhoo…

When George Washington Carver was elected President, he was so big on the peanut, that his Vice-President, Billy Carter became President after him, I think.  Okay maybe not, but anyway…

As a southern girl from below the arctic circle of Alaska, I love my Dixie guys, but c’mon?  Billy Carter?

Oy, if Billy Carter owned slaves, they would have either all run away or beat him over the head with empty bottles of Colt 45, what a dumbass…he had it so good and now look at him.  Well, look at what he was…Is he dead?

Anyway, I want to salute our brave men and women fighting people who are defending us against terrorism in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Turkey.

Oh those Turks…give them an Ottoman and the next thing you know, they are propping their feet all over you. Ha…Get it?

See?  I can be funny.

Anyway, on these days leading up to our nation’s birthday, I am blessed to know that Chief Justice John Roberts struck down Obamacare.

We all knew that it was unconstitutional, and when CNN and FOX news blasted out that it had been ruled unconstitutional, I was one happy momma of a sexually loose and drunk child named Bristol.

And truly?

That’s all I want.

Your Favorite Eski-Ho,

Sarah Palin

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Memorial Day 2012: Here's To The Dead, Not The Ratings And Poll Grabbing Undead

Happy Memorial Day from IWS!!

Okay wait…um…

Somber Memorial Day from IWS!?

Neither salutation seems to fit, um…

Anyhoo, it is Memorial Day, and millions of Americans across our great nation are celebrating this day in the form of can’t miss Sealy Mattress Sales, drunken cookouts, and watching septuagenarian Shriners drive around in tiny, tiny cars on Main Street U.S.A.

It’s the one day a year when, barring a new war, that Lee Greenwood gets some of his long lost fame, and relevance back, and actually gets some air play outside the mothball smelling stages of Branson, MO.

Do I sound bitter about Memorial Day and our Armed Forces?  Do I sound as though I am some suffering bowl of Liberal succotash?  Do I sound like an anti-military hater?

Well my friends…I am not.  Not in the least.

Hell, in 1987 I tried to enlist into the Air Force and was stricken down by an unwillingness on the government’s behalf of accepting a 22 year old man who was nearly legally blind and had a case of bronchitis into their armed services.  Petty fuckers.

Indeed, some see me as some type of Liberal Chucklehead who hates the military, and wants nothing to do with it to the point where I hate Memorial Day.

You know what I would like to say to people like that?

“Y’all can kiss my red, white, and blue ass, bend down and suck my Manifest Destiny dick, and go self-asphyxiate your own, sunshine patriot asses, because I am a REAL American, and I know what Memorial Day is all about.”

Memorial Day began as a day to honor the dead who fought in the Civil War, and then grew to a day where we, as Americans, honor the dead of every war in which this nation has offered her men and women.

And now?

Ever since 9/11, EVERY fucking day consists of a “thank you for your service“, “let’s honor the men and women who serve”, and “thank you for defending us” type of thing from every radio and TV outlet and host in this nation.

Those words have become meaningless, and today, Memorial Day 2012 we will hear those empty, ratings, and poll approving words said yet again, in an attempt by each cable network and candidate trying to prove that THEY are the most patriotic.  Ha…

FOX News doesn’t give a shit.  No politician gives a shit.  Most Americans don’t give a shit.

FOX News will fly the flag above a LIVE soldier. A Politician will shake the hand of a LIVE soldier, and the rest of America will shake the hand of LIVE family member or neighbor as they cook burgers on the grill.

Sadly…that is what media, political, and neighborly types think of Memorial Day these days.

Let me say to all of you…

FOX NEWS?  Memorial Day is about the fallen soldiers, not the ones that you use in order to make yourselves look like you care.

Candidates?  Having a picture taken of yourself with a drunken crew from the VFW 1068 on Memorial Day doesn’t make you more of a candidate.

And Americans?

If you spend your day cooking out with friends and family, you are closer to what this day is about than the other freaks.

You are celebrating the right to assemble.  The right to happiness.  The right to get as drunk as you want and fall into a grill as long as others aren’t hurt.

That is what those who gave all died for, and THAT is what this day is about.

It’s not about anybody and everybody who has served or will serve, it is about those marvelous bastards and bitches who left it all on the field of battle.

It is a day for the dead, so that we may live.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Annnnnd….Jayman and I kicked off Summer yesterday with one helluva good IWS Radio Show.  We talked cookouts, Memorial Day, and Jay’s Family Reunion, it was a hoot, so check it out:

Dennis Miller Cowardly Asshole...Cha Cha

“The coward wretch whose hand and heart, can bear to torture aught below; is ever first to quail and flee, from the slightest pain, or equal foe.”

--Bertrand Russell

Boy I tell ya…Bert was one smart muthafu----shut your mouth!!  Yes he was.  He was a genius, and the above quote, one of the more simplistic for him, is dead on.

I have encountered many examples of this type of cowardly behavior of late, and by golly, the Twitter activity I experienced this past Sunday evening, compels me today, to write upon this very subject…

Cowardice.

I love the phrase, “Social Media”.  It sounds so happy, so open, so inclusive, but many times, it is not.

In fact, social media venues such as blogs, Facebook, and the aforementioned Twitter, are often no more than dens for group think, group hate, and virtual sanctuaries for those who live in fear…

For those who find comfort and safety within the swaddling security of like-mindedness rather than the growth and societal awareness which comes from the back and forth of differing opinions…

For those who live with cowardice.

It’s funny, in a strange way…

There are folks in government, in entertainment, and everyday life who claim to “have all the answers” to every economic, political, and social ill that exists today, but even more cowardly than they, are those who sit behind a microphone on radio and TV, and espouse their views as pundits, strategists, and worst of all…Radio/TV Talk Show Hosts.

Talk Show hosts are the most cowardly group of individuals I have ever come across.  They are, in a word, okay three words…spineless mouth breathers.

It was about a year ago, I was Tweeting back and forth with the man who claims to never lose an argument, “talk radio King” Neal Boortz.  I responded to something he had said while he was eating dinner at a restaurant, and after a couple of tweets he said, “That’s it, you’re blocked.”

I have heard Sean Hannity say on his radio show…

“Join my, Don’t Let Your Heart Be Troubled Twitter Army.  It’s fun.  I get tweets from Liberals, to which I say, Thanks and bye-bye, I’m blocking you now.  It’s fun!!”

What the Hell is that?  That's informed debate?

Anyway…The exclamation point on the subject of non-discourse came this past Sunday when I made a comment about how unfunny a Dennis Miller tweet was, and the may or may have not been drunk Dennis Miller, actually replied to my tweet.

It led to a couple more tweets as demonstrated by the pictures.  It was fun.  He made fun of me, I of him, and then what happened?

That’s right, Mr. I Am Bill O’Reilly’s Bitch…Mr. I Came Out of the Conservative Closet in Order to Make a Living on FOX NEWS, and Mr. I Am So Damn Smart and Funny That I Got Booted From Monday Night Football, blocked me.

Dennis Miller realized Sunday night, that he wasn’t talking to a typical viewer of FOX NEWS, nor an idiot who enjoys others thinking on his or her behalf.

And because he failed to follow comedic rule number one of knowing your audience, he slipped up, showed himself to be far from a genius, and then cha-cha’ed into obscurity on my Twitter feed by blocking me….

Just as any good coward would.

I think many including Dennis Miller himself, think of him to be outside of “convention”, to be, “on the cutting edge.”

Pfffffffft….

Dennis Miller, just like Neal Boortz, FOX NEWS, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, and all of the other “big-timers” is nothing of the sort.

Miller and blowhards like him, are people who seek comfort (and ratings) in like-mindedness, and eschew informed debate which doesn’t include the facts they seek from the conclusions that they have already made.

These folks, just like the choir to whom they preach, are monolithic, un-curious, and most importantly…Cowardly.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattman_iws

Heather Childers Has Fox News Style Thoughts

Holaaaaaa Conspiracy Theorists! Well, someone got loose from Fox News again this week. “Straight” news chick Heather Childers found a really juicy story on one of those right-wing conspiracy websites that she thought Fox views needed to hear about. But, since the story is laughably moronic, she had to play it the Fox News way.

Instead of saying it was interesting or it needed to be investigates she just asked for everyone’s “thoughts” that Obama had threatened to kill Chelsea Clinton if Bill or Hillary told anyone Barack was born in Kenya. Apparently asking for “thoughts’ on Twitter is the equivalent to repeating an internet rumor on air with Fox News’ patented “Some people have said…”

So, here are some other conspiracies and bullshit stories that Fox News anchors want their viewers to hear about, but they can’t actually talk about on air…

@BretBaier: “Story: Barack Obama fathered two black kids.” Thoughts?

@JulieBanderas: “Source: Hillary Clinton pregnant with Vlad Putin’s love child.” Thoughts?

@GretchenCarlson: “NBA star admits Obama likes to move hard left.” Thoughts?

@SteveDoocey: “Reports: Former high ranking Kenyan official: ‘Obama born in Uganda’” Thoughts?

@NeilCavuto: “Wall Street Journal proves conclusively Mitt Romney is barely even Middle Class.” Thoughts?

@AlisynCamerota: “Rick Santorum: ‘Cali universities no longer teach American History’” Thoughts?*

@CarlCameron: “Owner of gay bar in Sheboygan: ‘Obama is gay, he was a regular here!’” Thoughts?

@MonicaCrowley: “Shocker! First Lady Michelle ‘beat the shit out of’ Dennis Kucinich” Thoughts?

@EricBolling: “Sources: Joe Biden to get new hair plugs before the election.” Thoughts?

@LindaChavez: “Story: Obama plans an elite Blacks Only federal police force in second term.” Thoughts?

@JudgeNapolitano: “Sources: Obama wants to expand Supreme Court to 21 members in second term.” Thoughts?

And that’s just the stories they were pushing this morning. Very sincere apologies will be coming tomorrow for their “inappropriate” tweeting of “rumors” but they got the word out.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*Actually, Santorum DID make that claim.

--

In other news, Wednesday’s “One and Done” episode of I’m With Stupid covered a lot of ground. Jayman talked about his great victory over DiGiorno Pizza, but his frustration with some other Social Media sites. There was a little TMI, and then Matt-Man shared some thoughts on people ordering virtual strangers to “accept” Jesus into their lives. Then short discussions about Mitt Romney’s big(ish) wins on Tuesday and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle accident. Then, we launched a few Molotov Mocktails.

All that and so much more so check us out! You’ll be happy you did! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Lou Dobbs Hates Dr. Seuss, Brown People and Iran

So, Lou Dobbs continues to fit in with his fellow crazies at Fox News. Now he’s decided that Dr. Seuss is dangerous to children. He complained that the new movie The Loraxis “Hollywood indoctrinating our children!”

So, I thought I would share with you Lou Dobbs’ own version of his favorite Dr. Seuss poem.

I am Lou

I am Lou
Lou I am

That Lou-I-am
That Lou-I-am!
I do not like
that Lou-I-am

Do you like
brown people and Iran?

I do not like them,
Lou-I-am.
I do not like
brown people and Iran.

Would you like them
Here or there?

They are illegal here
And terrorists there.
I would not like them
anywhere.
I do not like
brown people and Iran.
I do not like them,
Lou-I-am

Would you like them
in a house?
Would you like them
with a mouse?

They live a dozen to a house.
In Iran they strap a bomb to a mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like brown people and Iran.
I do not like them, Lou-I-am.

(…)

You do not like them.
SO you say.
Meet them! Meet them!
And you may.
Try them and you may I say
Lou!

If you will let me be,
I will meet them.
You will see.

Say!
I still don’t like brown people and Iran!
I don’t!! I hate them, Lou-I-am!
And I would throw them from a boat!
And I would feed them to a goat...
And I will kill them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And hang them from a tree.
They are so bad so evil you see!

So I will stuff them in a box.
And I will attack them with a fox.
And I will send the INS to their house.
And I will infect them with disease from a mouse.
And I will hate them here and there.
Say! I will KILL them ANYWHERE!

I do so hate
brown people and Iran!
Fuck you!
Fuck you,
Lou-I-am

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Bill O'Reilly and the War on Christmas: The Spin Stops Here

Caution!!  The spin stops here!!

Bill O’Reilly here for I’m With Stupid, and you’re probably already asking yourselves…

“Why would a man of O’Reilly’s, grandiose and soon-to-be cast in bronze on public squares image, go slumming for attention on this internet rag sheet?”

Because folks, I’m looking out for you, and must call a pinhead a pinhead when I see one, and yesterday?

I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas correspondent, Marty Martstein, showed through his idiotic elocution, that he is indeed, a pinhead.

You see, like most socialist progressives…

Mr. Martstein via his IWS article yesterday, attacked Christians as being hypocrites and savages because there were a handful of minor incidents and injuries on Black Friday as 80% of America rushed to get jawbone of an ass dropping deals on today’s versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, in order to celebrate the birthday of Christ.

Mr. Martstein reported that during the Black Friday for Christ festivities, a grandfather in Phoenix was beaten by security, a man in Oakland was shot, customers in LA were pepper sprayed, and in Little Rock, fights and ass cheeks broke out over two dollar waffle irons during what appeared to be a plumbers’ convention.

All very cutesy of our secular friend Mr. Martstein, but all in all, not very fair and balanced.  You see…

What Mr. Martstein fails to report is, that without injury to body or soul, millions of Christ-Loving Americans made their epic journeys to the stores in order to “pay it forward” in His name, and like Mary and Joseph were counted as Christians in the cultural census in spite of throngs of Herod worshipping secularists and shopkeepers.

So typical of Mr. Martstein and the loony Left, and it speaks volumes of their drug-addled, hippie upbringing.

I don’t know what went on at Christmas in Mr. Martstein’s household when he was a kid, but when I grew up in a working class neighborhood of Levittown NY., and my father worked his middle-class job as a currency counter for an oil company, Christmas meant Midnight Mass, praising the birth of the Christ child, and reviewing my first term grades that I had earned while attending the non-government supported, Chaminade High School in Mineola.

Christmas also meant that mom would serve sauterne punch and rum soaked petit fours, but that’s a story for my next book, which of course if you are a premium member of The O’Reilly Factor, you will be able to receive at a steep discount…anyway…

After Mass, we would all meet on the steps of the Church, and in our sauterne and rum induced jocularity, say, “Merry Christmas” to one and other, and let me tell you…

Back in those days, had Mr. Martstein been around to protest our Merry Christmases to one and other, I would have punched him in his pinhead, and shoved a crucifix and an Advent candle up his ass.  That’s just the way it was back then.

But now, we Christians aren’t permitted to do such things.  We Christians, in the name of tolerance, are expected to sit in silence and embrace cultures and religions that get their feelings hurt if we dare mention the birth of Jesus Christ.  And boy do they get all bent out of shape when we do that.

I have done research that shows that 99% of atheists, secularists, Muslims, and other anti-Christ store goers get their burkas in a wad over store employees saying "Merry Christmas" to them this time of year.*

Well you know what?  Fuck it…The fucking thing sucks…I’ll write it and we’ll do it live.  Right here and right now.

We Christians can now tell pinheads like Marty Martstein that the shoe of the fisherman is on the other foot and we have the upper hand.

The Jesus hating progressives may be the 99 per centers, but we are the one percent of Americans that will get Raptured up…and we are occupying righteousness.

Merry Christmas, and bring me the Head of Bill Mahar,

Bill O’Reilly

To reach Bill-O, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

*Research provided to Bill-O by President of the Catholic League, Bill Donohue, over fried tilapia bites, and a fifth of Jameson’s at O’Leary’s in Secaucus, NJ.  Neither left a tip.

The War on Christmas is Bullshit

Hey guys! Marty Martstein, I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas Correspondent here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve never been more proud to NOT be a Christian than I was on Black Friday of this year.

What the fuck is your problem people? Pepper spraying other customers to keep them away from the Xbox games? Tazing people? Rioting over cheap electronics? Knocking over old people and even robbing people in the parking lot? And of course, my favorite, showing your ass, literally as it hangs out of your sweats when you brawl with other customers over $2 waffle irons?

And after all this you have the audacity to lecture the rest of the world about their behavior? You call OTHER countries “uncivilized” and refer to OTHER cultures as “inferior” and OTHER people as “savages?”

Now you people are all going to spend the next month bitching about whether someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays?” Really? Come on people. You go out on Black Friday and put on this disgusting display of crass materialism and greed, and now you’re going to turn around and tell everyone “Jesus is the reason for the Season.” That’s a bit hypocritical of you, don’t you think?

Look, I have no problem with the checkers at Walmart or some other store telling me to have a Merry Christmas. They don’t know that I don’t celebrate and it would be rude of me to correct them. I’m not offended by Christmas music playing over the loudspeakers in public places, nor am I offended by Christmas trees or even nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn. Hell, if my kids went to public schools with the riff-raff regular kids, I wouldn’t even mind them participating in the schools production of A Christmas Carol or being a part of the Christmas pageant.

Nobody is! That’s what’s so stupid about all this War on Christmas crap. The only people who are offended by Christmas are guilty white liberals who, as always, believe it’s their place to tell “minorities” when we should be offended. I can make up my own mind on that, thankyouverymuch. And so can everyone else.

But, of course this gives people the chance to claim that Christians, who make up over 80% of the people in this country and over 90% of all elected officials, are being oppressed. This is the biggest load of bullshit ever. And, let’s not forget the people who want businesses and corporations to be “left alone” and allowed to do what they feel is best to make profits so they can create shareholder wealth and jobs are the ones who want to tell the businesses and corporations what to do. This is because they don’t just want the totally made up date of birth of their Lord and Savior acknowledged, they want it forced upon those who either don’t believe or have different beliefs. And then there’s the whole thing about how the great defenders of Christianity in the media are a bunch of multiple-divorces, drug-addicted, sexual-harassing loud-mouths, and you can see that this whole thing is pretty much bullshit.

So instead of spending the next month at each other’s throats having a huge argument over nothing, why don’t we all just tell the people on both sides of this completely made up War on Christmas crap to shut the fuck up and just enjoy the festive holiday season. And maybe show a little of that goodwill towards man stuff we hear about all the time too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch my DVD of A Muppet Christmas Carol. If you need me, just contact my Christian friend Jayman.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

P.S. I highly recommend I'm With Stupids "Black Saturday" episode. It was non-stop fun and jocularity as Matt-Man and Jayman mocked the Black Friday folks and Matt took advantage of his cold to do his best ever Peter Brady impression. And then things really got fun when Dana Lu called in to tell us about her Black Friday experience. Overall, a damn good show. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Bill O'Reilly: Lincoln Had it Coming

Hola Bitches! Bill O’Reilly here!

As you probably know I have written a book about the Lincoln Assassination and as always, the Liberal Elite are right there to nitpick. They’re all up in my grill over these ridiculous things that they call “facts” that they claim I got wrong. So typical of these people! They love to scream and yell about stupid, useless stuff like getting names, dates and events factually correct. Like anyone gives a shit!

The liberal elites ask me if I did any research for my book. Who has time for that? Research means going to libraries and interviewing people and reading, right? I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m more of a gut feeling kind of coach than an X’s and O’s guy. And, I take that same successful approach to my books.

Also, I’ve found that the liberal media isn’t a big fan of facts that don’t fit their ideological world view. This is something that conservatives don’t do. We know the facts intuitively and don’t need some pinheads telling us we’re wrong just because they can’t handle the truth.

The liberal intelligentsia are coming after me just like they did Lincoln. Trying to assassinate my character and hard work by creating an atmosphere of hate so bad, that they’re hoping someone will put a bullet my head just like Hollywood Leftist and Al Qaida member John Wilkes Booth did to Lincoln with his high powered rifle from the 6th floor of Henry Ford’s Theater as the president was arriving on the red carpet at the premiere of My Cousin Vinny.

But you know what? I have far superior security than Lincoln had. Hell, his Cadillac limo wasn’t even armored. And, I’m more careful than he was. Is it really any surprise that he was killed not long after pissing off the Black Panthers by signing the Missouri Compromise? And good grief, his attempts at nationalizing healthcare simply destroyed job growth. And, since he was president during peacetime, there was really no excuse for having a poor economy.

And let’s not forget about Lincoln’s strong support for gay rights and his vow to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act. It’s that kind of casual dismissal of states' rights that put his name high on the ACLU’s hit list. Not to mention his fighting the War on Christmas and not allowing America hating atheists to ruin our celebration of the birth of America’s savior Jesus Christ down in Birmingham, Alabama. Boy did that piss off the communists who control the Democrat party!

Finally, the manner in which Mr. Lincoln went about putting together the “Coalition of the Willing,” the group of countries that teamed up with the Northern States to launch an unprovoked attack on the peace-loving and human rights respecting Confederacy which posed no threat whatsoever to the North was completely unnecessary. No wonder Move On was running those ads attacking Lincoln and that ruthless bastard General George McClellan!

Look, I’m not saying President Lincoln deserved to be shot. Just that he had it coming. Look, if you spend all your time antagonizing liberals, eventually something bad is going to happen. Just look at JFK! Not to mention all the people Bill Clinton had whacked. This is why I have to spend tens of millions of dollars to pay to have former Mossad agents to head up my security. It’s a dangerous world out there and getting on the wrong side of lefties is by far the most dangerous thing you can do.

If you would like to opine on this further, just hit up my man Jay.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws