KLM and Royal Dutch Airlines...Home for the Holidays

Jay, Matt-Man, and diverse worldwide readers everywhere, Guy Ahnyurdyck here for I’m With Stupid.

As you know, I am the Dutch-based foreign correspondent for IWS and I have just landed in the States to spend the holidays with Jay, Matt-Man, Marty Martstein, Kim Fragile, Slyder Balzcock, and the entire IWS family.

I am currently in Bagwine, Ohio being hosted by Matt-Man and the ever incredible and edible Schmoop, as they have welcomed me into their cozy flat on Bagwine’s trendy lower East Side.

I had a bit of a turbulent and troublesome time making my way to their digs, but I have made it here at long last, with few bruises, most of my luggage, and a modicum of my dignity…still intact.

As fate would have it, my seasonal sojourn to America was fraught with a cornucopia of confusion, conundrums, and…complications.

After waiting three hours for the private IWS jet to pick me up, I phoned the home office and they said in a jolly and Christmas-like manner, “Oops…we forgot.”  So…

They hurriedly booked me a coach seat on KLM Flight 211, non-stop from Amsterdam to Detroit.  When the chips are down and Guy is stuck, the staff at IWS know how to make things happen.

After surviving several hours in the air and an in-flight meal of Haggis, Chick Peas, and Butterscotch Pudding while sitting next to a sound asleep septuagenarian with an overflowing colostomy bag, we completed our leap across the liquid barrier of linguistics we Euros call the Atlantic Ocean, and touched down in Detroit.

Upon arrival I was greeted by customs folks, TSA agents, and a tiny, tearful misshapen man named Verne who asked me for ten bucks so he could have the microchip that the CIA had planted in his head some forty years ago, removed from his scarred and swollen head.

As I hadn’t yet converted my money into U.S. dollars, I handed him 30 Euros…Verne kicked me in the shins, peed on my shoes, called me, “a piece of faggoty Euro-Trash”, and limped away on his one prosthetic leg that oddly had a club foot by design.

I made my way outside of the aeroport, and outside the doors of Concourse A waited for the IWS limousine to transport me to Bagwine some three plus hours away. I waited for more than an hour, and yet…I saw no smiling limo driver holding a sign that read, "Guy Ahnyurdyck or IWS."  So…

I made several hurried and harried calls to Matt-Man, to Schmoop, to Jayman, to the office.  No one picked up.  Fortunately, I was befriended by a lovely lady of Nubian persuasion who asked where I was going.

I told her that I was going to Bagwine, Ohio and she said that she had a delivery to make in Dayton, Ohio for her Uncle Toot Suite that had to be there by 5 PM, so if I gave her 300 bucks she would, “haul my dike-fingerin' ass down there.”

I converted my money, paid her, and after she told me not to look in the back of the van as it contained, “life saving plasma of sorts”, we were off to Matt-Man’s.

On the trip down, I and the lovely Lolita Florence, or as her friends call her, Lo-Flo, exchanged pleasantries, bon mots, and a case of Steel Reserve.

Shortly after we arrived and my drunken and feeble attempt to grope Schmoop’s fun bags, I passed out.  Lo-Flo?  She had three more 211’s and Matt-Man managed to get a pic of her before she left for Dayton.

Anyways…

I’m here now.  I’m safe now, and I’m thinking…

After this harrowing trip…I get to spend time with my friends, AND the IWS Office Christmas Party will be broadcast live tomorrow night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio…this may be the greatest holiday season I have ever had.

And to Lo-Flo?

I hope you got your life saving plasma to the people who truly needed it.

Merry Christmas America, and “See” You Saturday Night at 11 PM EST !!

Guy Ahnyurdyck

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Bill O'Reilly and the War on Christmas: The Spin Stops Here

Caution!!  The spin stops here!!

Bill O’Reilly here for I’m With Stupid, and you’re probably already asking yourselves…

“Why would a man of O’Reilly’s, grandiose and soon-to-be cast in bronze on public squares image, go slumming for attention on this internet rag sheet?”

Because folks, I’m looking out for you, and must call a pinhead a pinhead when I see one, and yesterday?

I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas correspondent, Marty Martstein, showed through his idiotic elocution, that he is indeed, a pinhead.

You see, like most socialist progressives…

Mr. Martstein via his IWS article yesterday, attacked Christians as being hypocrites and savages because there were a handful of minor incidents and injuries on Black Friday as 80% of America rushed to get jawbone of an ass dropping deals on today’s versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, in order to celebrate the birthday of Christ.

Mr. Martstein reported that during the Black Friday for Christ festivities, a grandfather in Phoenix was beaten by security, a man in Oakland was shot, customers in LA were pepper sprayed, and in Little Rock, fights and ass cheeks broke out over two dollar waffle irons during what appeared to be a plumbers’ convention.

All very cutesy of our secular friend Mr. Martstein, but all in all, not very fair and balanced.  You see…

What Mr. Martstein fails to report is, that without injury to body or soul, millions of Christ-Loving Americans made their epic journeys to the stores in order to “pay it forward” in His name, and like Mary and Joseph were counted as Christians in the cultural census in spite of throngs of Herod worshipping secularists and shopkeepers.

So typical of Mr. Martstein and the loony Left, and it speaks volumes of their drug-addled, hippie upbringing.

I don’t know what went on at Christmas in Mr. Martstein’s household when he was a kid, but when I grew up in a working class neighborhood of Levittown NY., and my father worked his middle-class job as a currency counter for an oil company, Christmas meant Midnight Mass, praising the birth of the Christ child, and reviewing my first term grades that I had earned while attending the non-government supported, Chaminade High School in Mineola.

Christmas also meant that mom would serve sauterne punch and rum soaked petit fours, but that’s a story for my next book, which of course if you are a premium member of The O’Reilly Factor, you will be able to receive at a steep discount…anyway…

After Mass, we would all meet on the steps of the Church, and in our sauterne and rum induced jocularity, say, “Merry Christmas” to one and other, and let me tell you…

Back in those days, had Mr. Martstein been around to protest our Merry Christmases to one and other, I would have punched him in his pinhead, and shoved a crucifix and an Advent candle up his ass.  That’s just the way it was back then.

But now, we Christians aren’t permitted to do such things.  We Christians, in the name of tolerance, are expected to sit in silence and embrace cultures and religions that get their feelings hurt if we dare mention the birth of Jesus Christ.  And boy do they get all bent out of shape when we do that.

I have done research that shows that 99% of atheists, secularists, Muslims, and other anti-Christ store goers get their burkas in a wad over store employees saying "Merry Christmas" to them this time of year.*

Well you know what?  Fuck it…The fucking thing sucks…I’ll write it and we’ll do it live.  Right here and right now.

We Christians can now tell pinheads like Marty Martstein that the shoe of the fisherman is on the other foot and we have the upper hand.

The Jesus hating progressives may be the 99 per centers, but we are the one percent of Americans that will get Raptured up…and we are occupying righteousness.

Merry Christmas, and bring me the Head of Bill Mahar,

Bill O’Reilly

To reach Bill-O, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

*Research provided to Bill-O by President of the Catholic League, Bill Donohue, over fried tilapia bites, and a fifth of Jameson’s at O’Leary’s in Secaucus, NJ.  Neither left a tip.