Heather Childers Has Fox News Style Thoughts

Holaaaaaa Conspiracy Theorists! Well, someone got loose from Fox News again this week. “Straight” news chick Heather Childers found a really juicy story on one of those right-wing conspiracy websites that she thought Fox views needed to hear about. But, since the story is laughably moronic, she had to play it the Fox News way.

Instead of saying it was interesting or it needed to be investigates she just asked for everyone’s “thoughts” that Obama had threatened to kill Chelsea Clinton if Bill or Hillary told anyone Barack was born in Kenya. Apparently asking for “thoughts’ on Twitter is the equivalent to repeating an internet rumor on air with Fox News’ patented “Some people have said…”

So, here are some other conspiracies and bullshit stories that Fox News anchors want their viewers to hear about, but they can’t actually talk about on air…

@BretBaier: “Story: Barack Obama fathered two black kids.” Thoughts?

@JulieBanderas: “Source: Hillary Clinton pregnant with Vlad Putin’s love child.” Thoughts?

@GretchenCarlson: “NBA star admits Obama likes to move hard left.” Thoughts?

@SteveDoocey: “Reports: Former high ranking Kenyan official: ‘Obama born in Uganda’” Thoughts?

@NeilCavuto: “Wall Street Journal proves conclusively Mitt Romney is barely even Middle Class.” Thoughts?

@AlisynCamerota: “Rick Santorum: ‘Cali universities no longer teach American History’” Thoughts?*

@CarlCameron: “Owner of gay bar in Sheboygan: ‘Obama is gay, he was a regular here!’” Thoughts?

@MonicaCrowley: “Shocker! First Lady Michelle ‘beat the shit out of’ Dennis Kucinich” Thoughts?

@EricBolling: “Sources: Joe Biden to get new hair plugs before the election.” Thoughts?

@LindaChavez: “Story: Obama plans an elite Blacks Only federal police force in second term.” Thoughts?

@JudgeNapolitano: “Sources: Obama wants to expand Supreme Court to 21 members in second term.” Thoughts?

And that’s just the stories they were pushing this morning. Very sincere apologies will be coming tomorrow for their “inappropriate” tweeting of “rumors” but they got the word out.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*Actually, Santorum DID make that claim.

--

In other news, Wednesday’s “One and Done” episode of I’m With Stupid covered a lot of ground. Jayman talked about his great victory over DiGiorno Pizza, but his frustration with some other Social Media sites. There was a little TMI, and then Matt-Man shared some thoughts on people ordering virtual strangers to “accept” Jesus into their lives. Then short discussions about Mitt Romney’s big(ish) wins on Tuesday and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle accident. Then, we launched a few Molotov Mocktails.

All that and so much more so check us out! You’ll be happy you did! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Gambling Expert Johnny Vegas on the NFL Playoffs

Hola Bitches! I’m With Stupid’s gambling expert Johnny Vegas here to breakdown this weekend’s big NFL Playoffs action. There’s lots of money to be made out there, but you gotta know where to look and pay attention to the details. If you don’t do that, the wise guys will take all your money and leave you standing alone in casino sports book and the haggard middle-aged cocktail waitress who’s been banged more times than Ringo Starr’s drum kit won’t even talk to you.

So, here’s my pick’s for this weekend’s games with the favorite in all-caps…

NEW ORLEANS -3.5 @ San Francisco (Sat 4:30 ET Fox): The 49ers defense is harder to score on in that shit hole of a stadium they call Candlestick Park than Viki Malicki back in high school. We used to call her “Viki NoDicki” you know what I’m sayin’? Her vagina had icicles hanging from it. Anyway, the Saints aren’t as good outdoors as they are in the dome and the perfect weather means the Niners field goal game should be in great shape. Niners get 8 field goals and one touchdown and not only cover the three and half points but win outright.

Denver +13.5 @ New England (Sat 8:00 ET CBS): So a lot was made about Tebow throwing for 316 yards last week and his favorite Bible verse being John 3:16, right? Well dig this, if he throws for 233 yards this week, Ezekiel 23:3 says “They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed.” OH YEHHHH BABY that’s some hot stuff right there! Look for the Broncos to play hard right to the finish and lose, but still cover the thirteen and half points.

Houston +7.5 @ Baltimore (Sun. 1:00 ET CBS): Dam, I gotta tell you the truth, I almost forgot this game was being played. These two teams are almost as interesting as reading about Mommy Blogger’s precious little fucking snowflakes. But, I’ve got the stat of the week to help keep you interested. In games played outdoors at 1 pm when the temperature at kickoff is between 29.7̊ F and 33.2̊ F, the Houston Texans are 3-11-2 against the spread and 2-14 overall. Since the game is outdoors and kickoff temps should be right about 30.9̊ F, that makes this an easy pick, take the Ravens to cover the seven and half points and don’t fucking bother watching this snoozefest.

New York Football Giants +8.5 @ Green Bay (Sun. 4:30 ET CBS): By far the most intriguing matchup of the weekend. The Packers are the defending champs and are at home, but their defense has been getting rolled almost as bad as the French Army in WWII. Look for Giants WR Victor Cruz to be doing some sexy salsa dancin’ in the end zone on Sunday. Hey, I’m secure in my manhood enough to admit when I think another man is good looking and has some sexy moves in the hip area. So, I’m expecting the Giants magical run to continue and for them to pull off the HUGE upset here and not only cover the eight and half points, but actually win the game outright. Then, after the game is over you can lean back, close your eyes and visualize Victor Cruz salsa dancing the night away in celebration of the big win. And remember Tebow fans, in Psalms 16:11 it says “In your right hand there are pleasures forever.” I’m just sayin’!

So there you go America, the kind of expert analysis* you just won’t find anywhere else. Hope everyone wins big this weekend!

*If you’re such a pathetic degenerate that you would actually take gambling advice from a fake handicapper on a website called “I’m With Stupid” then you deserve all the bad things that will happen to you.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

And, on Wednesday we broke down the New Hampshire Primary as only we can on I’m With Stupid Podcast. Plus, we introduced the newest presidential candidate running for the republican nomination Mississippi Mike who isn’t from Mississippi! It was pretty much 45 minutes of nonstop hilarity, so check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Christians Dumping Jesus for Tim Tebow

Many Christian Americans say Jesus just doesn’t do it for them anymore. So, they’ve dumped the son of God for Denver Bronco’s QB Tim Tebow. Turns out people are finding Tebow to be more reliable and more responsive to their prayers. Now that the Broncos have won six in a row and seven of their last eight games since installing Tebow as their QB, people are starting to become true believers.

“There’s something special about him,” said George McMartin of Arvada, Colorado, “he’s not winning these games with luck or skill. He’s doing with … well … something else.” That “something else” seems is an uncanny knack for sucking worse than any QB in the history of the NFL in the first three quarters of games and then suddenly being John Elway, Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one in the fourth quarter and crunch time.

He’s also benefited from some pretty strange happenings like opponents inexplicably running out of bound to stop the clock, dropping open passes and fumbling at critical moments. But, for many out there, there’s nothing strange about it at all. According to Tiffany Walters of Spartanburg, South Carolina it’s pretty obvious what is going on here. “These things happening once or twice could be just a coincidence, but every week? There’s something else going on. And that something else is God’s will.”

For most people though, their reasons for dumping Jesus for Tim Terrific are much more practical. “I’ve been praying to Jesus ever since I was a little boy,” says Willard Parsons of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania “and he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m tired of waiting. I get answers from Tim Tebow every Sunday afternoon.”

Others, like Amanda Ferrari of Pocahontas, Arkansas, Tebow is just more believable. “I’ve read the bible and I know all about Jesus turning water to wine and walking on water, but there’s no proof. I mean, there aren’t any YouTube videos of it or anything like that. I’ve seen the miracles Tim Tebow has performed. They’re real and I can actually relate to them. Plus, Jesus was a long haired-hippie looking foreign dude while Tim is a clean cut, all-American white boy. I can relate to him better.”

But, according to Carlos Garza of Del Rio, Texas, it’s clear that Tim Tebow is the real son of God. “I like Hey-Zuss berry mucho, but Teem Tebow, he performing miracles right before our very eyes. I not want to believe at first, but now? I no can deny it.”

The faithful aren’t the only ones who have taken notice of Mr. Tebow either. Paul Smudders, a leader in the World Atheist Society says his group is keeping a close eye on the Mile High Messiah. “Obviously, we’re prepared to discredit any claims people might make that Tebow is some kind of spiritual being worthy of being worshiped. The things that have happened that have led to the Broncos’ recent dramatic victories are easily explained. The opponents have simply sucked worse than Tebow does. And that’s something we’re about to start pointing out; that Tim Tebow really does suck.”

Smulders went on to add that he’s not impressed with Tebow and doesn’t think you should be either. “He has a string of bullshit wins and anyone who can actually think for himself knows that. We can’t control weak-minded uneducated cult followers out there though. All we can do is state the facts. State them in as loud, obnoxious and rude a way as possible. And while doing that we need to remember to be smug and condescending dick bags. It’s a style we’ve used for years with great success.”

So it looks like a new front has been opened in the great religion war going on in America. The only question now is: Will Jesus come back to stop all this ‘Tim Tebow is the new Messiah’ talk or is he happy to have the attention on someone else for a while, giving him a bit of a break?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

The British Suck

Hola Bitches! Jayman here, and while I may not be the most traveled guy around, I am, by virtue of my ability to read and my curiosity about the world, pretty knowledgeable about the world. I’m educated and fairly well read and have made it a priority to study history and keep up with world events. The internet has been invaluable in this regard. And, one of the things that I have been able to conclude through my virtual travels is Britain Sucks.

Yeah, I know, we all love Keeping Up Appearances and Monty Python and Fawlty Towers. And sure, Sherlock Holmes is cool and a lot of people like Dr. Who. And, of course there are the timeless beauties like Elizabeth Hurly and Kate Beckinsale. I didn’t say there weren’t exceptions just that Britain, in general, sucks.

When was the last time everyone was sitting around trying to decide where to go for dinner and someone yelled out “LET’S GET BRITISH FOOD?” Never, that’s when. There is no country on Earth with worse food. England’s food is so bad and bland that the Brits think Indian food is good! And when they aren’t eating Indian food they’re either eating faux pasta noodles or intestines all chopped up and buried by curry to cover the taste.

Oh I know, Brits are soooo cultured, you say? Yeah, if by “cultured” you mean “pompous.” Dear God, the Brits are insufferable! They love to talk about their culture over there, but really Shakespeare is all the Brits have. And they didn’t even give a crap about him while he was alive. Sure, we’ve got people like the Kardashians, but at least we appreciate them while they’re alive and they make a lot of money, just in case they might turn out to be something other than shit.

And Brits love to talk about how well traveled they are. I guess they are, if you’re talking about being the primary consumers of the Asian flesh trade. We all know the Go-Go bars from Bangkok to Seoul to Manila are mostly patronized by Brits. And who could blame them really? We all know that other than the few movie stars and super models Britain has produced, the average woman there makes Margaret Thatcher look like a beauty queen.

You know that whole “The sun never sets on the British Empire” thing? You know, that Empire that was built by subjugating people of colonized countries which were then raped of their natural resources?  Yeah well, don’t look now it’s dusk bitches. That Empire can’t sustain its welfare state and is being overrun by the dregs of every shithole country on Earth.

Hell, we haven’t even gotten a chance to touch on the crappy weather, soccer, socialized medicine, hooliganism, how expensive everything is over there, the class social structure and the shitty pop music. Maybe next time.

Hey, don’t get your knickers in a knot guys, it’s not my fault you don’t live in the United States of Awesome.

--

In other news, our good friend Scott Bull who lives in England called us up on Wednesday’s I’m With Stupid Podcast and we had a jolly good time! We started out updating everyone on our continued attempts to get out Reddit jail and then quickly ran through an expert analysis of Herman Cain’s situation. Then Scott called in and in typical hooligan fashion all hell broke loose.

Obviously, between Scott’s appearance on the show, and today’s loving post about Britain, I’m With Stupid is about to be HUGE across the pond! So, check the show out and tell all your friends. We love each and every one of you guys!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Houston Nutt: Nothing But Love in My Heart

Hola Sports Fans! Former Boise St, Arkansas and Ole Miss football coach Houston Nutt here. I had to say “sports fans” because a decent Christian American such as me would never say the “Bitches.” Anyway, I’m fresh off being fired at Ole Miss and thought now would be a good time to do a guest post here on I’m With Stupid where my good buddy Jayman usually hangs out.

First, I’d just like to say that I have nothing but great memories from my days in Fayetteville, Arkansas coaching those Hogs. Man, those were some good times. Remember those days? Yeah, fun times kids. I was moving wide receivers to QB, and then moving QBs to tight end and tight ends to defensive lineman. Then, as a change of pace, I’d send the deep snapper out there to return a punt. Those guys always have great hands. Man, I was always crossing people up like that.

And, I don’t want to make any disparagin’ remarks towards the current coach Bobby Petrino, but if I were still the coach there, Arkansas wouldn’t have lost to LSU by a score of 41-17. Anyone who knows me knows that we would have either lost 24-23 on a missed extra point by one of the six place kickers I had on scholarship OR we would have lost 63-7. There wouldn’t be any of this hanging tough for three quarters and wearing down crap for me. The 24-23 score is really the more likely of the two though. I would have been the greatest moral victory in the history of the University of Arkansas.

Lots of people are wonderin’ what’s next for Houston Nutt. Well, I tell ya folks, I still have that fire burnin’ in ma belly to coach. There’s nothing like it, being out there watching the players run around the field, bumpin’ into guys, making plays, calling plays, designing my four page playbook including three pages of different draw plays. Man, there’s nothing more fun than calling a draw play and watching the white 260 lb fullback who is a converted left tackle go down after a one yard gain and running another 40 seconds off the clock when we’re behind by four points and have the ball in 3 and 18 at midfield with less than 2 minutes left. WOOOOO DOGGIES!

Of course, a lot of people like to call Ole Miss a “drinking school with a football problem” but I tell ya what, nobody in Oxford, MS filed a FOIA request to get my cell phone records like those loony guys in Arkansas did. See, there’s a positive to having a fan base that is fat, drunk and stupid. They might be pissed at me, but those lazy illiterate rednecks couldn’t do anything about if they wanted to.

If I decide not to coach anymore, I could always go into broadcasting. Now that Bob Davie is the new coach at New Mexico, there’s an opening for “Dumb ass who used to coach major college teams but sucked at it and will also suck at announcing but he got the job anyway” color commentator on ESPN’s Friday Night games. And I’m just the dumb ass to do it. Uh, wait. Well, anyway, I’d be great at it.

Announcing is a lot like coaching. Gotta work hard. Gotta prepare. Gotta get the whole team working together. ONE HEARTBEAT BABY! ONE HEARTBEAT!

Thanks for giving me this opportunity Jayman, I appreciate it and I appreciate you, and all the great IWS readers and listeners out there. Y’all are so special to me. God Bless Ya!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Bill O'Reilly: Lincoln Had it Coming

Hola Bitches! Bill O’Reilly here!

As you probably know I have written a book about the Lincoln Assassination and as always, the Liberal Elite are right there to nitpick. They’re all up in my grill over these ridiculous things that they call “facts” that they claim I got wrong. So typical of these people! They love to scream and yell about stupid, useless stuff like getting names, dates and events factually correct. Like anyone gives a shit!

The liberal elites ask me if I did any research for my book. Who has time for that? Research means going to libraries and interviewing people and reading, right? I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m more of a gut feeling kind of coach than an X’s and O’s guy. And, I take that same successful approach to my books.

Also, I’ve found that the liberal media isn’t a big fan of facts that don’t fit their ideological world view. This is something that conservatives don’t do. We know the facts intuitively and don’t need some pinheads telling us we’re wrong just because they can’t handle the truth.

The liberal intelligentsia are coming after me just like they did Lincoln. Trying to assassinate my character and hard work by creating an atmosphere of hate so bad, that they’re hoping someone will put a bullet my head just like Hollywood Leftist and Al Qaida member John Wilkes Booth did to Lincoln with his high powered rifle from the 6th floor of Henry Ford’s Theater as the president was arriving on the red carpet at the premiere of My Cousin Vinny.

But you know what? I have far superior security than Lincoln had. Hell, his Cadillac limo wasn’t even armored. And, I’m more careful than he was. Is it really any surprise that he was killed not long after pissing off the Black Panthers by signing the Missouri Compromise? And good grief, his attempts at nationalizing healthcare simply destroyed job growth. And, since he was president during peacetime, there was really no excuse for having a poor economy.

And let’s not forget about Lincoln’s strong support for gay rights and his vow to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act. It’s that kind of casual dismissal of states' rights that put his name high on the ACLU’s hit list. Not to mention his fighting the War on Christmas and not allowing America hating atheists to ruin our celebration of the birth of America’s savior Jesus Christ down in Birmingham, Alabama. Boy did that piss off the communists who control the Democrat party!

Finally, the manner in which Mr. Lincoln went about putting together the “Coalition of the Willing,” the group of countries that teamed up with the Northern States to launch an unprovoked attack on the peace-loving and human rights respecting Confederacy which posed no threat whatsoever to the North was completely unnecessary. No wonder Move On was running those ads attacking Lincoln and that ruthless bastard General George McClellan!

Look, I’m not saying President Lincoln deserved to be shot. Just that he had it coming. Look, if you spend all your time antagonizing liberals, eventually something bad is going to happen. Just look at JFK! Not to mention all the people Bill Clinton had whacked. This is why I have to spend tens of millions of dollars to pay to have former Mossad agents to head up my security. It’s a dangerous world out there and getting on the wrong side of lefties is by far the most dangerous thing you can do.

If you would like to opine on this further, just hit up my man Jay.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Men Get Screwed and Women are Liars

You know who’s really got it rough in this country? You know who’s really being discriminated against? You know who’s really getting the short end of every stick?

MEN! That’s who.

Folks, things have just gotten out of hand here. It’s bad enough that we have all these stupid holidays and observances that have basically become “What are men getting for women” days. But shit, it’s pretty much open season on men. All you have to do is watch sitcoms and all these cell phone and beer ads and men always depicted as weak, stupid, lazy or all three.

And look at how much time and money is spent on women’s medical issues. You’ve got every single men’s pro sports leagues wearing pink at different times to raise money and “awareness” for breast cancer research. Do you see women’s sports leagues making a big deal over prostate cancer? Fuck no.

Hell, every Wednesday is “Boobie Wednesday” on Twitter where women show off cleavage and their boobs. Again, this is done to raise breast cancer awareness. But, is there a “Testicles Tuesday” for testicular cancer awareness? Fuck no.  

We put most of our educational focus on women too. Well over 50% people attending undergraduate colleges in America are women. Same goes for most graduate level and law schools. And, well over 50% of academic scholarships got to women too. This happens despite the fact that we all know that women suck at math.

And then, after getting those very expensive degrees what do women do? They work for about three years and then leave to go be “homemakers” and declare that their new job title is “mommy.” THEENNN, after like 10 years, when they’re finished squeezing out puppies and the kids are in grade school, they just show up at their old company expecting to be not only given their old job back, but to be installed into the position they would be in had they never left.

Worst of all people is that women are just full of shit. They make a HUGE deal about how they like men who are nice, decent, good, and sensitive or have a good sense of humor and shit like that. They love to bitch about men who treat them like crap and yell at them and cheat on them and all that shit too.

But, you know what? That’s what women prefer. They love being treated like shit. They love being cheated on. They love men who don’t help out around the house. They love men who don’t do their share to raise the kids. THAT’S THE WAY WOMEN WANT IT!

You know why men lean out the window of their car and wolf whistle at women and then put their fingers on the edges of their mouths and wag their tongues at them? Because it fucking works, that’s why. Those are the dudes who always have women all over them. How many guys do you know who treat women like crap and cheat on their significant others repeatedly who are lacking for female companionship? FUCKING ZERO! THAT’S HOW MANY!

Hell, remember Scott Peterson? Killed his gorgeous pregnant wife Laci and his hot as hell mistress Amber Frey finally ratted him out on what a shitbag he was? He gets hundreds and hundreds of marriage proposals from women every year. Yeah, dude beheaded his pregnant wife and dumped her body in the bay. He’s a great catch ladies!

What a load of shit. Guys, we might as well all just go gay. We’ll actually be treated decently by women if we do that. Sure, there’s that whole anal sex thing, but that probably only hurts for a little bit. On the positive side, we’ll actually get those blow jobs we love so much a lot more regularly. So it’s not all bad.

It’s either that, or just all become womanizing, cheating, abusive insensitive pricks.

--

In other news, our “Sweetest Day and Men Get Screwed Again” episode on I’m With Stupid on Saturday was a huge hit! The ratings are going through the roof. And why wouldn’t they? The show was pretty much non-stop fun and jocularity. So, we would love it if you would be so kind as to check it out. We thank you for your support. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

We Occupy Wall Street So You Don't Have To

Hola I’m With Stupid nation! This is Alistair Byron Armstrong Tennyson IV here. Of the Connecticut Tennyson’s? I’m a student majoring in government and international relations at NYU. I chose a school in Manhattan because I felt it was time for me to get out in the real world and meet people from other walks of life and of lower social status than mine.

I’m one of the leaders of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Matt-Man and Jayman have graciously given me the opportunity to tell the world what the OWS movement is all about here on their blog. I’m so grateful to them for their support and decency.  And, I thought it would be helpful if I told you how this all started.

A couple of weeks ago, while I was waiting for Consuela to finish making my truffle pancakes, I began thinking of my Puerto Rican girlfriend, Inez, who attends community college in Brooklyn and her family and how they struggle to get buy and started feeling bad for them.  So, I turned to dad and said “Father. Why do we live the way we do, while people like Consuela and Inez’s family have to live the way they do? Why do such inequities like this exist?” He told me “That’s just the way things are son.”

Well, I thought about that while Reginald drove me to school and even asked him what he thought of this whole thing. His answer was very enlightening. Especially his tales of living in the Hood. So exciting, yet heartbreaking at the same time. And that was when I realized I had to do something to change the world.

Anyway, I got together with my friends at school, Bennett, Hunter, Theodore and Josiah, and we decided that someone had to stand up to the people on Wall Street who are ruining this great country. After a couple of grande caffe mochas, with no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skim and half full milk, we came up with the idea of going Tea Party on their asses! We agreed to march on Wall Street and protest.

Unfortunately, my sister, Tiffany Bianca, doesn’t feel the same way as I do. She attends Barnard College and has a double major in gender studies and political science. She refuses to join in with the rest of us protesting Wall Street. Instead, she is paying a Chinese exchange student who attends St. John’s to protest in her place. What. A. Snob.

So here we are, Occupying Wall Street every single day! Are we all going to flunk out of school? Who knows? Who cares? This is bigger than sitting in a classroom, listening to stupid lectures man. This is about giving regular people the chance to make something of their lives. With our help of course. I mean, it’s not like they could do this shit on their own.

That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to stand up for the people regular people. No need for them to come here and join us. In fact, we’d rather they didn’t. Because, when the TV cameras show up, we don’t want some uneducated hick from flyover country being interviewed and all the sudden America thinking that’s who started this.

No, no, no. No need to thank us either America. Well, maybe a little, but don’t make too big a deal out of it. We’re simply doing what others before us did. We are idealistic college students protesting wrongs and trying to make them right. And when we fail to make any meaningful changes, we will go back to class, graduate, and fulfill our family’s plan for us to marry into another rich family and then go to work for our fathers and be the people the NEXT generation protests. THAT is what America is all about people! 

I'm Andy Rooney: Ass Man

Hola internet! Andy Rooney here, doing a special blog post on “I’m With Stupid” blog. As you probably heard, I have announced my retirement from my “regular” appearances on 60 Minutes. I know that seems strange since I only had to work for like 4 minutes once a week. But, when you’re my age, you don’t have those four minutes to spare anymore. But, I did want to do a blog post for my old friends Matt-Man and Jayman.

Of course, they really aren’t old. They’re half my age. So that makes them half-old, because I’m most definitely old. You gotta be careful when using the word “old.” Some people take great offense to it. I don’t because I’ve been old for a long time now. Some, who are old, don’t like to be reminded of it though, so I don’t use the word much. I’m not really an asshole, you know.

I was never allowed to use the word “asshole” on 60 Minutes.

This is my first ever guest blog post anywhere. I don’t really know what a blog is though. “Blog” is a funny word. It sounds a lot like “blob” which is also a funny word. But, I know what a blob is. I’m kind of a blob. Just and old, cubby guy sitting on his couch writing a blog post for some guys on the internet who may or may not be stupid.  I’m not really clear on who the stupid one here is on the “I’m With Stupid” blog.

Of course, I didn’t mean to imply that everyone who blogs is also a blob. I’m sure many bloggers are in great shape. Especially the women. That’s why I retired. I’m going to use this new free time to check all the hot babes I’ve heard about on the internet. I’m an “ass man” by the way.

I was never allowed to mention that I’m an ass man on 60 Minutes.

I guess they didn’t want to risk me running off all the women with big breasts, or “breast men” out there. Ashton Kutcher can run around in his boxers, but I can’t tell everyone I’m an “ass man.” I don’t really know what it would have hurt, though. Are big breasted women so insecure that if they found out I preferred asses and legs; they would stop watching the show? Well, they probably would.

There are a lot of women on CBS shows that have nice asses. I usually watch all the primetime shows mainly for the hotties. Currently my favorite is Cobie Smulders on How I Met Your Mother. I know Jayman prefers Alyson Hannigan, but I’m not into the Fire Crotch. Yeah, a lot of people say she’s not a real redhead, but why risk it?

They wouldn’t let me say “Fire Crotch” on 60 Minutes.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up, as I’m told people on the internet have short attention spans. And of course, people are busy. As am I. I have all these new Tumblr Porn blogs to check out every day. Even if I’m still not clear what this whole blog thing is. Not that it matters. You probably don’t need to know what a blog is, or how it works, to enjoy one.

I don’t understand women, but I enjoy them, especially their asses. I guess I already mentioned that though. I tend to repeat myself as I get older. This is probably why it’s time I scaled back my appearances on 60 Minutes. It would be embarrassing to repeat myself all the time on TV. Nobody cares if you do on a blog though, especially if you’re talking about women and their perfect butts.

I couldn’t say “butt” on 60 Minutes either.

Well, enough of this. I have to go do Google Image Searches for my new blog “Hotties of CBS,” soon as I figure out how to set one of those up.  It can’t be too hard if these two guys who say they’re stupid can do it. Or am I the one who’s stupid? I still haven’t figured it out.

For I’m With Stupid blog and internet radio show, this is Andy Rooney, Ass Man.

--

And if you would like to listen to Matt-Man and Jayman ramble about nothing much and then take a call from Amy in Orlando who appeared to know who Matt-Man is, even though he didn’t seem so sure who SHE is, then you should totally listen to this week’s SEO Show Prep Show #3.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/Jayman_IWS

How to Create a Wildly Successful Podcast

Hola kids! You know one of the biggest benefits of being a world-famous internet radio and social media star is being asked for advice by strangers all the time. Of course, I’m always willing to share my knowledge and insight into the world of podcasting with anyone who asks.

Which brings me to today’s blog post. I thought I would run down a list of ideas that will help those of you out there who are wondering what the secrets to a really successful podcast with a vast world-wide audience are.

Don’t bother with guests: Nobody wants to listen to fucking experts on any subject. You can do just fine discussing anything from rare medical conditions to high finance to sports to relationships. Just do a few Google searches, write up a few notes and roll with it. Experts usually full of themselves anyway. Also, they bring in new listeners and it could get really uncomfortable with all those strangers out there. 

Don’t worry about audio quality: People claim that they turn off shows where one host is really loud and the other is really quiet or where the audio is breaking up. And they might, but so what? They were there for the beginning of the show and you got credit for the listen, so it’s not really your problem. If they want good audio quality, they can pay to listen to crap on XM Radio.

Include some moments of dead air: Your listeners need a chance to catch up with you. They’re probably aren’t as mentally flexible and might get stuck on something brilliant you said a few minutes ago. So, every once in a while you should just stop and sit there in respectful silence while they catch up to you. They’ll appreciate it. 

Don’t worry about alienating entire demographics: Look, you have to be true to yourself, right? So, if you think it would be hilarious to do a show with some guy faking a really bad Chinese accent, do it. So what if it causes all Asians to turn off your show. How much could it hurt? So what if they make up more than 1/3 of the people on Earth? 

Stick to religion and politics: It’s important to talk about subjects that callers and hosts won’t get angry over. So, religion and politics are perfect. Open up the show by explaining that certain religions and/or political parties are bullshit and the people who practice them are going to hell, and you’ll get flooded with people ready to engage in smart, thoughtful and well-reasoned debate. 

Just ignore your chat room: Just because the show has a chat room, doesn’t mean you HAVE to interact with them. Marie Antoinette had subjects, which are basically the same as listeners, right? And she sure as hell didn’t interact with them, did she? Also, it kind of works the same way as it does with women. The more you ignore them, the more they want you. It’s weird, I know.  

Your show title doesn’t have to match what you talk about: People loved being tricked and fooled. And pulling the old switcheroo on them is a brilliant show idea. Title the show something like “Expert Pet Care” and then actually talk about keeping your genitals clean and ready for action. The listeners might be a little confused at the beginning, but once you hit that first moment of dead air and they get the chance to catch up, they’ll love it.

Okay, there you go folks. If you follow these simple rules, you too can have a wildly successful and critically acclaimed podcast just like “I’m With Stupid.” 

Speaking of “I’m With Stupid” we had our brilliant and oh so clever Show Prep Show this morning. Listen in as we meander from one thing to another until we finally arrive at our destination of a show topic for Saturday.  Along the way we talked about Glen Rice posting Sarah Palin up down low (allegedly) and we MIGHT have mentioned Scarlett Johansson’s nude pics which were leaked to the internet this morning. One of which you can view on the official I’m With Stupid Tumblr Page. It’s NSFW. 

Anyway, check out the show cause it was fun and because we love you.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

 

GOP Debate Series Part 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first in a series of GOP Debates being held here on the I’m With Stupid blog and sponsored by the I’m With Stupid internet radio show. 

The format is simple. We’ll throw out a very important question that is something that matters greatly to the American people and give each candidate a chance to answer it to the best of his or her abilities. We’ll do one question each week. Please withhold your applause until after each candidate has had a chance to answer, and try to refrain from any loud verbal outbursts other than laughter.  Okay, let’s get started.

Q1: What, if anything, would you do to improve the economy and maybe speed up the recovery?

Michele Bachmann: Well, I would do a heck of a lot more than Obama, I tell you that much right now. I think mostly I would just tilt my head back a bit and open my eyes really wide and stare at the economy until it began whimpering and fidgeting like Rick Santorum having to ride in an elevator with all of Lady Ga Ga’s male back up dancers. 

Mitt Romney: First I’d just like to say that those Patriots are looking good and it’s gonna be another great championship season for them coming right on the heels of a Red Sox World Series Win! Wooo! But, as to your question, I would use my rugged good looks and natural charm along with my impeccable manners to make the economy feel completely comfortable with me and then covert it into a growing, dynamic economy.

Tim Pawlenty: Uh, I would mostly just bad-mouth the economy behind its back and then be all deferential to it to its face in hopes that it would like me.  

Ron Paul: I wouldn’t do a GOD DAMN THING! The economy is on its own. Just like the rest of us. 

Herman Cain: I would check the recipe and make sure I got all the ingredients right. Then I’d let it rise, fall and rise again. Then, cover it with all kinds of goodies to enhance its look and taste and put it in a preheated oven to rise to its full potential. 

Gary Johnson: I would smoke a doobie and tell everyone to chill out. 

Rich Santorum: I’d stop those nasty, disgusting gays from getting married. They’re so gross! Ewwww! 

Newt Gingrich: I’m already running a million dollar tab at Tiffany’s and going on cruises around the Greek Isles, what the hell else do you people want from me? 

John Huntsman: Oh, I’d do a little of this, and a little of that. I would take good ideas from both sides and come up with a moderate, middle of the road plan. Then I would check my hair in the mirror to make sure I still look better than Mitt, and then move on to the next challenge.

Rick Perry: I would pray. And then I would pray some more. Then I’d point out that I have much better hair than either John Huntsman OR Mitt Romney. After praying some more I would get out my old .45’s and start shooting the dirt all around the economy’s feet and yell “DANCE ECONOMY! DANCE!  Then, I would secede. 

Okay, so there you have it folks. The first round of the I’m With Stupid GOP Debate is now complete. We’ll be back soon with round two’s big question. 

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Ginger Lee Doesn't Want Weiner ...

Hola Bitches!!

As you know, now FORMER congressman Anthony Weiner was involved in a truly despicable and outrageous twitter and Facebook sexting scandal recently. Well, one of his many innocent victims was none other than professional dancer, entertainer and concerned citizen Ginger Lee.

Aaaand, I just happened to have gotten my hands on the sexting conversation Weiner had with Ginger.* I decided in the interest of the public's right to know, I would publish it all here in it's entirety:

GL: “Our military action in Libya is a total violation of the War Powers Act. I'm so upset about this. Even in a “supporting role” we're still launching missiles and we're still engaged in military action.

AW: “Stop staring at my weapon!”

GL: “This is serious. I tried to call your office to formally complain about this.”

AW: “How did i miss this chance to rock your world by phone? Give me another chance!
Stalk me baby, very hot.”

GL: “That's sweet, but there's so much work that needs to be done. And the republicans don't give a shit about anything other huge tax cuts for the wealthy. It just pisses me off that they continue to claim that cutting taxes will actually INCREASE revenues and that all we need to do is make huge cuts in spending for programs for poor people and we can balance the budget that easily. Oh and all this bullshit that their plans will result in 5% annual growth for 10 solid fucking years. What bullshit! We've never had that kind of growth and we never will now that most of our manufacturing sector has been moved over seas. Not to mention that THAT kind of growth would require us to sustain unemployment near ZERO percent which we all know would result in runaway inflation! .. Uh .. Sorry I get a little carried away sometimes. Hope it doesn't bother you.”

AW: “It's making me hard.”

GL: “When you take the floor in tonight's debate will you PLEASE fight for women and try to stop the republicans from gutting funding for Planned Parenthood and women's health care?”

AW: “Tonight I'm just a man with a raging hard on”

GL: “I watched the video of your speech defending funding for 9/11 first responders.”

AW: “You watch it naked?”

GL: “No, but it made me think about...”

AW: interrupts “Thinking of my rock hard cock?”

GL: “Noooo silly! Think about how much passion you have for politics and fighting for people who can't fight for themselves.”

AW: “It gives me a huge bulge in my pants. Wanna see?”

GL: “What can I do to make your job better?”

AW: “Practice saying 'Ohhhh GOD, Anthony, I'm coming AGAIN!”

GL: “I'm trying to be serious. These are very serious issues and our country is in real trouble. All you can think about is sex.”

AW: “I'm horny a lot. Sorry”

GL: “Well you need to focus on channeling your energies into your job as congressman!”

AW: “You're right! What are you wearing? Are you getting off? Is your pussy wet?”

GL: “You know what? I'm just gonna call Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand. Maybe she'll care enough to help.”

AW: “OMG .. That's so hot! That'll give me something to spank it to.”

And there you have it folks. Ginger Lee, a very concerned citizen trying to get help for some very important issues from former Congressman Anthony Weiner, but all she got was disgusting, overtly sexual responses. Poor Ginger. Call me sweetie and I'll definitely talk politics with you and do what I can to help you.

Oh and here's a pic of Ginger Lee. But, only because it's possible that some of you guys have never heard of her...

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws