One Has To Love Oneself In Order To Love Others

Last night Jayman and I were talking on Twitter about trying to make the IWS website a more profound and respectable place.

After our conversation, as it was my turn to write, and with no topic on hand, I said to myself…

“Dumbass, let’s just change course and make that dream happen.”

Jay and I often take the time, and more specifically your time, to publicly whine, bitch, and “let it all go” in a negative way, so I thought that today?

I’d write about what makes me happy. Join me, won’t you?  I hope you do…

I love the smell of bacon frying.  I especially love the smell of bacon frying when it’s my BFF/OSP Schmoop, doing the frying of said bacon.

When Schmoop is frying bacon, and I am at my computer, I can hear her from the kitchen, in a joyful, and carefree, lilting tone, half-singing and half-humming an incoherent nonsense song…it’s relaxing.

In fact it would even be hotter and more joyful, if she were frying it naked, but my joy would quickly turn to sorrow, as I heard her lilting tones turn to screams of pain and anguish as the bacon grease little by little, scarred her exposed body.

I really enjoy taking a shower.  In the shower, I am alone, and can sing at the top of my lungs and there is not a critic in the house.  And it’s nice as well, that I can re-live the magic of having had sex with a different former girlfriend with each new shower.  And?  Even ponder some future trysts.

You know what else I like?

Talking to God about giving me the strength to tell my BFF/OSP this publicly, and for even joking about thinking of other women while I was in the shower.  It brings the Almighty and I closer together…on a daily basis no less.  I like that, and Praise Jeebus!!

I love how people shower my partner in crime, Jayman, with cascades of praise as to how sweet he is.  I too love him for that, and in a couple of years, I will love Jayman and the money I make off of him even more, when I release my book…

“Jayman Unleashed:  The Direct Messages To, and Private Phone Calls He Had, with Matt-Man”

Even though over the next week I will be working 62 hours at the Beer Mine, I am happy to see the owner get away for a desperately needed vacation, however what I am really happen to see happen, is the, Buy One, Get One Free Sale that I’ll be running while he’s gone for a week.

Oh yeah Bitches, I’ll be moving some product out the door of the Beer Mine starting this Saturday!! And why?  Because I love.

And love is what I am all about…

Yeah bitches, the Love.

Annnnnd…If you wanna hear some love on Blog Talk Radio…You need to listen to the show that Jayman and I did with Nicole Russin yesterday on the IWS Radio Show.

We talked vegans; we talked sausages (realistic and otherwise); we talked Wal*Mart; we talked cupcakes, bigots, and SPAM.  Oh My!!

We covered it all, and you can catch it all right here in archives:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattmaniws

To Sleep; Perchance To Scream

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”
--Ernest Hemingway

“I love being awake.  My body has the tendency to fall apart when I’m asleep, you know?”
--Matt-Man

Happy Independence Day Eve you assorted chuckleheads and lovable fans of I’m With Stupid.

Tomorrow we as a nation will celebrate our independence from tyranny and oppression of a wig wearing King and his impressive, albeit less than manly dressed, military forces.

I sadly will be, as I too often do, experience the discomfort of being eternally indentured and forever shackled to my fear of sleeping.

That’s right.  The Matt-Man…the man about town, gad about town, effusive, devil-may-care Matt-Man has a fear of going to sleep, or as clinicians term it…

Hypnophobia and/or Somniphobia.

Yeah one term is Greek; the other is Latin, fight it out amongst yourselves, and at 3 in the morning let me know which term came out on top as I will be wide awake due to, MY FEAR OF SLEEPING!!

Oy.

Many psychiatric and medical types find that the fear of sleeping is often tied to a recurring, reality based nightmare, and just like nearly all people, I too have an occasional nightmare, and one that recurs often.

I often dream that I am having sex with Ann Coulter.

Ann is on top of course, and all the while in Latin, screaming, “Liberals are killing our babies and stealing from our Grandmothers!!”...she is wielding a Bible in one hand, a cheese grater in the other, and a can of corned beef hash swings upon a chain of thorns in a discordant rhythm, beneath her reptilian like neck.

I don’t get it.  I don’t like it either, but that’s not what frightens me from practicing the joy that is sound and restful sleep.

No my friends…My fear of sleep is neither mental nor emotional.  It’s physical.

Let me tell you , when we are busy at the Beer Mine, I am at the top of my game both physically and mentally. I am entertaining folks, swingin’ 30 packs around like nobody’s business, and tap dancing around like Mr. Bojangles.  It feels good.  I feel good.

And yet…

After an exhaustive, yet fulfilling day of doing that, I come home and at some point lay down, shut my eyes, and when not getting REM-Sleeped hosed by Ann Coulter and her cheese grater, other things begin to happen. Bad things.

For instance…

I woke up Sunday morning, I was in the same position I was in when I went to sleep, however…during the night, my left wrist must have thought it was double-jointed as it evidently bent over backwards to prove it, because it was dreadfully sore when I woke up.

It got better as the day went on, and I quit complaining about it, so by Sunday night when I went to sleep, I was happy and looking forward to a Monday where I felt 100%.

It wasn’t to be.

When I awoke Monday, my wrist was almost perfect, however I evidently slept funny and I had like a pinched nerve/muscle in my neck and the pain radiated down to my shoulder.

It’s the type of neck pain where if I want to look sideways, I have to turn my entire upper body, because it hurts to turn my neck.  Annoying folks!!

And then there are the early morning Charlie horse attacks in the calf, the AC dying at 2 AM resulting in me waking up feeling like a glazed donut, and of course the night screams from my BFF/OSP when she realizes on occasion, that I am sleeping in the bed with her.

I can’t take it folks, so…

Pass me another NOS, Monster, and/or Full Throttle, because the Matt-Man is never sleeping again…Ever!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Matt Said, Jay Said XLII

Matt konuşuyor ... Jay konuşur, sen dinle.

Matt:  Helllllooooooo?
Jay:  What’s up hot shot?
Matt:  Hold on, I have to pee...talk to Schmoop for a second.
Jay:  Oh God…Hi Schmoop
Schmoop:  I have the funniest joke about babies and ham.
Jay:  Let’s hear it, babe.
Schmoop:  Babies look like ham…Hee
Jay:  Okayyy?
Schmoop:  I HATE ham.  HA!!
Jay:  Is that it?
Schmoop:  Yep!!
Jay:  Ummmm...Matt done peein’ yet?
Schmoop:  Herrrrrrre yaaaaaaa go.

Matt:  Jayman?  Don’t ever talk to Schmoop on a Thursday night when she is off on Friday.
Jay:  But you told me to.
Matt  Well, there’s a life-lesson for you…never listen to me.
Jay:  Duly noted.  In fact…I knew that, but evidently misplaced that part of my brain.

Matt:  Anyhoo…Good show Wednesday.  Did the uber-hot Warrior Kat have fun?
Jay:  Oh yeah, I think so.
Matt:  She’s hot.
Jay:  Back off Mister. I found her first.
Matt:  Easy fella.  Just sayin’.
Jay:  More often than not, your “just sayin” shit leads to problems.
Matt:  Duly noted.  In fact…I knew that, but evidently misplaced that part of my brain.

Matt and Jay:  Déjà Vu?

Jay:  So what should we do on the show this Sunday?
Matt:  Hey dig this…How ‘bout we do Joke Show II?
Jay:  Didn’t we just do one recently?
Matt:  That’s what I thought, but we did the Joke Show clear back in July of 2011.
Jay:  Holy shit…it doesn’t seem that long ago.
Matt:  IKR?

Jay:  Wow.  That’s cool; I’m sure we and other people have new jokes to tell.
Matt:  Yep, and we could talk about comedic timing…
Jay:  The art and science of a well told joke…
Matt:  How brevity is the soul of a good joke…
Jay:  How Drive-By Mikey and your son have never realized that fact.
Matt:  Word.

Jay:  It should be good.
Matt:  Hell yeah…Joke Show Part Deux  it is, at Noon ET on Sunday on Blog Talk Radio.
Jay:  I will have my rimshot ready.
Matt:  I bet you say that to all the boys.
Jay:  You sick fuck.

Matt:  Hee…See you Sunday at Noon ET on IWS Radio, Jayman!!
Jay:  It’s going to be awesome jocularity!!

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXV

Matt Puhuu.  Jay Puhuu.  You, Kuunnella.

Matt:  You’ve reached the Immaturity Help-Line, how may I direct your childish call?
Jay:  Hey there TUFF GUY.
Matt:  How you doin’, you BAD ASS, you?
Jay:  Man, who knew what a draft dodging pussy Ted Nugent was and is?
Matt:  Ha Ha…Wait for it…
Jay and Matt:  WE DID!!

Matt:  Poor tough guy Ted.
Jay:  Yeah.  The Motor City Fancy Boy couldn’t show up for Vietnam, but he did for our website.
Matt:  And for that, we are eternally grateful.
Jay:  Or something.

Matt:  Hey did you see that we have been getting hits from NBC Universal out of NYC?
Jay:  Oh hell yes I did.  They probably want to make a sitcom out of us being internet radio stars.
Matt:  Probably, but we are so above that type of mindless, ghetto tripe.
Jay:  We are?
Matt:  No, not really.
Jay:  Maybe it’s Tamron Hall who is checking us out.
Matt:  In my fantasy life I think you are right, and I just got a boner.
Jay:  I’d prefer you keep your erection updates to yourself.

Matt:  You know what I can’t keep to myself?
Jay:  What’s that, your self-loathing?
Matt:  No, no, no…They way we were viciously attacked as being immature, 12 year old boys this week.
Jay:  Ohhhh, no kiddin’!!  I have spent the week re-examining my inner-self after that, and I’m still pissed.
Matt:  Same here.
Jay:  We should address this beyond the website.
Matt:  Someone needs to go down for that incalcitrant remark.

Jay:  I mean…that observation holds no weight.
Matt:  IKR?  And dig it.  I was chatting with a hot babe and she said that she is taking a bath now so she can listen to our show while clean and shiny.
Jay:  That’s sweet, but she’ll need another one after listening to us.
Matt:  You know what would be really hot?
Jay:  Ha Ha…wait for it…
Matt and Jay:  IF SHE LISTENED TO US WHILE TAKING A BATH!!

Jay:  Anyhoodle, on Sunday’s show, we need to answer these charges about being all immature n’shit.
Matt:  I agree.  Because we both know we can be funny and still address serious issues logically.
Jay:  Damn straight, and thus, the show is scheduled and I titled it, “But Seriously Folks”
Matt:  That is brilliant, and…quite mature.
Jay:  Thank You.
Matt:  You’re welcome and I will see you on the radio Sunday at Noon ET on I’m With Stupid.
Jay:  Damn right you will, and the blasphemer is going to get a more than public dressing down.
Matt:  Word.

Join us Sunday at Noon ET on IWS on Blog Talk Radio.  We will be defending our honor and maturity, and hope you listen and call-in to help us.

Cheers!!

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXIII

Jay loquitur….Matt loquitur.  You…audire.

Jayman:  Hellooooooooo, is the lady of the hou---?
Matt-Man:  Man, this sucks.
Jayman:  What does?  That I called?  You told me to call you...you passive-aggressive little man, you.
Matt-Man:  No, no, no...that we have to do our show prepination on Friday nights now.

Jayman:  Well…If Drive-By Mikey would stop changing your hours and you wouldn’t take your kid out to breakfast, all would be on schedule.
Matt-Man:  Well…I have no choice when it comes to Mike, but my kid needs me.
Jayman:  You are the last thing Ryno needs.
Matt-Man:  Huh…That’s exactly what his mom says.

Jayman:  So Sunday’s show…The big Easter Extravaganza!!  Woo Hoo!!
Matt-Man:  Gonna be huge…What should we talk about?
Jayman:  Oh I don’t know…Easter stuff.
Matt-Man:  See?  That’s why you are a marketing genius.
Jayman:  Oh hush.  I don’t take compliments well.
Matt-Man:  Are you blushing?
Jayman:  Oh Hell no…I encourage compliments. I probably don’t get as many as I deserve.

Matt-Man:  We can talk about Easter memories from our childhoods.
Jayman:  That’s always a crowd pleaser.  We could also talk about the significance of Easter itself.
Matt-Man:  Exactly…We like to have fun, but be historically accurate and informational as well.
Jayman:  Right…and that is why we should shine the light on those who we deem to be God-Awful Christians.
Matt-Man;  Damn right…Some people take God’s name in vain, just by waking up in the morning.
Jayman:  Exactly…There are some alleged “Christians” who should simply be shot.  Just sayin’.
Matt-Man:  Word.

Jayman:  Sounds like a great show…Jay, Matt, and Jesus.  What the Hell could be better?
Matt-Man:  Damn right…Oh, and we could talk about what we are having for our Easter feasts.

Jayman:  Well, you’re pretty much having any dough like substance that doesn’t move, aren’t ya?
Matt-Man:  Oh yeahhhhhh, but that does NOT include Newt Gingrich…and you?
Jayman:  I’m keeping that under wraps until the show, baby.
Matt-Man:  Once again with the clever marketing, you stud, you.

Jayman:  Well, I guess we’re set.
Matt-Man:  I guess we are.
Jayman:  Okay then…
Matt-Man:  Alright…
Jayman:  Hang up now.
Matt-Man:  No, you hang up first.
Jayman:  Let’s hang up together
Matt-Man:  Okay
Jayman:  One…
Matt-Man: Two…
Schmoop (from the Bagwine dining room table):  Hang the damn phones up you insufferable Marys!!
Jayman and Matt-Man:  Hee...“click”

So guys and gals, join Jayman and Matt-Man tomorrow, Easter Sunday on I’m With Stupid as they break down all things resurrection related on their big Easter Extravaganza.

That’s tomorrow, Easter Sunday, live at 12 Noon ET on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Oh…Need a link to the live show?  It’s in your Easter basket right…HERE!!

Cheers!!