Hola bitches! Over my forty-four years on this Earth, I have accumulated a decent amount of knowledge about life. I feel that since I am now a wise and distinguished older gentleman this would be a good time to dispense some advice to the good people all over the world who read this blog. I do this not for money (unfortunately) or for adulation (cause I don’t get any), but to help out mankind. Because that’s just the great kind of guy I am.
The first bit of advice is a little gem I dropped on my good friend, the lovely and talented Little Miss Sunshine who the rest of the world knows as Gnetch, the other night on Twitter: “When searching for a place to live, make sure it’s near a 24 hour market that has a bakery and carries alcohol, a good dive bar and burger and pizza joints that are open late.” I think we can all agree that those are the most basic staples in life. Well, unless you want to add strip clubs to the list.
Anyway here are a few other things I’ve learned along the way:
- Flexibility is almost never overrated.
- While you shouldn’t go out of your way to offend someone, don’t censor yourself because you’re afraid of offending someone either.
- You can launch any vile, hateful personal attack on a skinny person you want to and almost never be called on it.
- Asian chicks rule!
- Latinas are pretty freaking awesome too.
- If you disagree with someone over anything, no matter how minor, it’s okay to just call them Nazis.
- Ignorance of history is totally acceptable these days.
- Our society has an endless appetite for zombie and vampire books, movies and TV shows.
- Once you turn 40 life is just an endless series of strange new pains and ailments that come and go with no rhyme or reason.
- Simply ReTweeting, ReBlogging and Sharing information about a “cause” on Facebook in now considered being involved in it.
- The Fake Outrage Machine can be turned up to 11 over anything no matter how insignificant.
- Yet, it takes hundreds of thousands of people pounding away on the media and govt to get them to finally investigate a vigilante gunning down an unarmed teenager in Florida who was just walking home.
- Mormons make great neighbors because, much like the Mafia, they don’t do any “business” in their own neighborhoods.
- People take it very personally if I don’t like their favorite singer, group, movie, tv show, book etc.
- People can’t quite grasp the concept of Homer Simpsons’ greatest piece of philosophy ever: “Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
- Adding a little extra pepperoni and cheese to a frozen pizza makes it dramatically better.
- Preheating the oven is still bullshit.
So there you go kids. A few basic pearls of wisdom that you might not have known, but probably should.
And in other news, here’s our “Molotov Mocktails” segment from last week’s Dixieland Delight episode of I’m With Stupid. If you aren’t listening to IWS each Wed at 11 am ET or Sunday at Noon ET or anytime in the archives, then you’re totally missing out. And causing us heartache. I know you don’t mean to, but well, it’s the truth. We miss you when you’re not there.
Anyhoodle, here’s the 4.5 minute segment that I edited up just for you guys. And I’ll even give you a DIRECT LINK to the video. Damn, I thoughtful!
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