By now, I’m sure everyone has heard that the New Orleans Saints had a “Bounty Program” set up to pay off defensive players for big hits and big plays. And, I’m sure you’ve done the appropriate pearl clutching and joined in as the Fake Outrage Machine™ was turned up to 11 again. I’m especially fond of Steve Young’s “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHEEEELDRIN!” plea.
Well, once again, the IWS Sports Investigative Team is on the case! And, we have uncovered not only the dirty plays, but what the payout was for each of them. Check them out and be as disgusted as we are.
1. Towel Snap: $250
2. Flat Tire: $500
3. Ear Thump: $500
4. Noogies: $500
5. Pantsing: $750
6. Shoelacing: $750
7. Hole Tempting: $1,000
8. Indian Burn: $1,000
9. Short Sheet his bed: $1,000
10. Wedgie: $1,250
11. Hang a “Kick Me” sign on back: $1,500
12. Wet Willie: $1,500
13. Fake hickey from pinch: $1,500
14. Purple Nurple: $2,000
15. Three Stooges Eye Poke: $2,500
16. Hurt feelings: $2,500
17. Swirlies: $3,000
18. Ball Buster: $5,000
19. The Business: $5,000
20. Teabagging: $10,000
2. Flat Tire: $500
3. Ear Thump: $500
4. Noogies: $500
5. Pantsing: $750
6. Shoelacing: $750
7. Hole Tempting: $1,000
8. Indian Burn: $1,000
9. Short Sheet his bed: $1,000
10. Wedgie: $1,250
11. Hang a “Kick Me” sign on back: $1,500
12. Wet Willie: $1,500
13. Fake hickey from pinch: $1,500
14. Purple Nurple: $2,000
15. Three Stooges Eye Poke: $2,500
16. Hurt feelings: $2,500
17. Swirlies: $3,000
18. Ball Buster: $5,000
19. The Business: $5,000
20. Teabagging: $10,000
Now, lest you think I’m making light of this whole thing simply because I’m a Saints fan, you’re wrong. I would have made light of it no matter which team had gotten caught. Now the other teams in the league doing the same thing can quietly disband their bounty programs while tsk, tsking the Saints. And then the Saints can fire head coach Sean Patyon, who will then be suspended and fined, former Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams will be suspended and fined, and the Saints will be fined and lose draft picks.
Then after next season, The Dallas Cowboys can hire Sean Payton as their new head coach and ESPN and the rest of the sports media will pretend that Payton is Mr. Fucking Wonderful again and act like none of this ever happened. And then the NFL’s empty suit Commissioner Roger Goodell can go back to pretending to care about player safety while continuing to push for an 18 game schedule which will result in more player injuries.
See? It’s all no big deal.
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