“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
--Arnold Bennett
Yesterday, March 6th, 2012 is a date that will live in both joy and infamy.
You see…I became a Republican yesterday.
A true blue, dyed in the sweater vest, Sean Hannity cocksuckin’ GOPer for at least two years.
And what did my transformation bring me? That’s right…
Heartache.
I was answering a call from God and his only begotten Son by registering as a Rick Santorum voting Republican, but alas…
While the Matt-Man effect helped to carry Clark County for Santorum, Rick fell short in other areas of my great state.
Sad.
Santorum lost Ohio because voters in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas who evidently relate best to CEO’s who ship job overseas and to states down south, voted by 18-20 percentage points in favor of Mitt “Shuddup and Eat Your Shit Sandwich, You Loser” Romney.
My heart grew heavy as the late night results poured in, and I realized that The Great Santorum would lose my home state of Ohio, however…
There was a distant beacon of light…a modicum of hope, and a nascent feeling of rebirth bouncing around upon the taint of my soul…While I had voted in a losing effort for Santorum, on the upside, I had become…
A Republican!!
And let me tell you my friends, being a registered Republican is not something I take lightly. I will make the necessary changes.
First of all…
My girlfriend, Schmoop? She’s no longer my girlfriend, because her and I living in sin, is a GOP no-no. Schmoop is now, and as long as I am a Republican, will be forever known as…
Lupe, The Laundry Lady!!
As Schmoop can’t pass for a black woman and Mexicans are the new sub-minimum wage domestics, I will call her my laundry lady, Lupe.
Let’s hope that in between the wash and rinse cycles that the condom doesn’t break. I’d hate to end up with a Strom Thurmond moment on my hands.
Another change…
Yesterday after voting, I was listening to Sean Hannity on the radio as I always do, however this time? I didn’t laugh.
It was hard, but every time I felt a big ol’ chuckle comin’ on, I thought of President Reagan lying in his casket as right thinking patriots stood around his stiff body, and in vain, while weeping amber waves of tears, attempted to resurrect him.
It was with that in mind, that my sadness over the Santorum loss changed to a winsome smile, and I was proud to now be able to walk hand in joyful hand with the likes of Norquist, Coulter, Gingrich, and Bachmann.
For the first time in my adult life…I was at peace, and more importantly…
I was an American, and my friends, a member of the Republican party and an American I shall remain.
This shedding of my liberal skin, the tossing off of my rose-colored, un-American sunglasses, and my lack of worry for those less fortunate than I during the holidays, makes life better…safer…less confusing.
In fact, becoming a Republican has turned me in to something I have always wanted to be…
A Norman Rockwell picture...
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
And don't forget kids...Jayman and I go live today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio, so give us a listen as we break down Super Tuesday and wish Jayman a Happy Birthday. Just click us up HERE.
--Arnold Bennett
Yesterday, March 6th, 2012 is a date that will live in both joy and infamy.You see…I became a Republican yesterday.
A true blue, dyed in the sweater vest, Sean Hannity cocksuckin’ GOPer for at least two years.
And what did my transformation bring me? That’s right…
Heartache.
I was answering a call from God and his only begotten Son by registering as a Rick Santorum voting Republican, but alas…
While the Matt-Man effect helped to carry Clark County for Santorum, Rick fell short in other areas of my great state.
Sad.
Santorum lost Ohio because voters in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas who evidently relate best to CEO’s who ship job overseas and to states down south, voted by 18-20 percentage points in favor of Mitt “Shuddup and Eat Your Shit Sandwich, You Loser” Romney.
My heart grew heavy as the late night results poured in, and I realized that The Great Santorum would lose my home state of Ohio, however…
There was a distant beacon of light…a modicum of hope, and a nascent feeling of rebirth bouncing around upon the taint of my soul…While I had voted in a losing effort for Santorum, on the upside, I had become…
A Republican!!
And let me tell you my friends, being a registered Republican is not something I take lightly. I will make the necessary changes.
First of all…
My girlfriend, Schmoop? She’s no longer my girlfriend, because her and I living in sin, is a GOP no-no. Schmoop is now, and as long as I am a Republican, will be forever known as…
Lupe, The Laundry Lady!!
Let’s hope that in between the wash and rinse cycles that the condom doesn’t break. I’d hate to end up with a Strom Thurmond moment on my hands.
Another change…
Yesterday after voting, I was listening to Sean Hannity on the radio as I always do, however this time? I didn’t laugh.
It was hard, but every time I felt a big ol’ chuckle comin’ on, I thought of President Reagan lying in his casket as right thinking patriots stood around his stiff body, and in vain, while weeping amber waves of tears, attempted to resurrect him.
It was with that in mind, that my sadness over the Santorum loss changed to a winsome smile, and I was proud to now be able to walk hand in joyful hand with the likes of Norquist, Coulter, Gingrich, and Bachmann.
For the first time in my adult life…I was at peace, and more importantly…
I was an American, and my friends, a member of the Republican party and an American I shall remain.
This shedding of my liberal skin, the tossing off of my rose-colored, un-American sunglasses, and my lack of worry for those less fortunate than I during the holidays, makes life better…safer…less confusing.
In fact, becoming a Republican has turned me in to something I have always wanted to be…
A Norman Rockwell picture...
Matt-Man
Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
And don't forget kids...Jayman and I go live today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio, so give us a listen as we break down Super Tuesday and wish Jayman a Happy Birthday. Just click us up HERE.
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