Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Charges: A Victim of High-Tech Wenching Lynching

Hi, and 9-9-9 to you'se all…

GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain here to give you the 4-1-1 on reports that I sexually harassed a couple of ho’s while I was top dawg of the National Restaurant Association in 1998.

Now listen, I didn’t harass nobody.

If I said something such as…

“Hey Uz-Beki-Beki, let’s get together and have some sexy-sexy.” or…

“Yo Deep Dish, come up to my hotel room, and I’ll show you my, 9-9-9.”…or

“Pan down Chippy, you’re in the restaurant biz; so serve me. I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”,

To all of you'se sleazy ho-bags, and Herman-Haters...

I'm tellin' you'se, that weren’t a case of me harassin’; it was just another instance of Herman being Herman. Shit.

And lookit…

I am a married man.  I am a deeply religious man. I am a man who lives by the Word of God, AND…have been recorded singing Old Rugged Cross and negro type spirituals.

Do I sound like the type of man who would go all Nebucannever on folks, piss all over the Holy Baby Jesus, and get all up in the ass of a woman who wasn't matrimonialized to me? 

Word.

Hell…If you'se want to get superficial wif it, do I even LOOK like a sexual harasser?

Does my Chief Adviser, Mark Block look like a harasser?

Uh-huh, I don't think so…Go preach that fact about Herman to the mainstream media…and while you’re at it, preach it to your mama…especially if your mama be livin' in Iowa n' shit.

You know? I find it ironical, that this story broke on October 31st.

No, not because of Halloween, but because on October 31, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the salaciousness and indulgences of the Catholic Church by nailing his almost legible 95 Theses to a telephone pole.

An today, my friends...I am those 95 Theses that were nailed to the telephone pole, lo those many years ago.

I am The Political Reformation, and much like the parchment that Luther wrote upon, I have been slandered and am left bleeding on a telephone pole…or was it a May Pole? Maybe I am merely bleeding in the polls. Fuck.

But let me tell you'se all, don't abandon THE Herman Cain during these dark times or you could end up with this freak show as your GOP nominee...

What the hell was that?  Did someone stick a douche full of vinegar and stupid juice up Rick Perry's ass before he gave that speech in New Hampshire this past weekend?  

Lord Almighty, that is one fucked up honkie.  Amen, and True Dat!!

Anyways…Let me justify, testify, and delegitimize these allamagations and put your minds to rest…

These reported charges of my libido going all atomic wif these chicks are unfounded. Listen…

These chicks were given a goodly sum of money to shut their pie holes and walk away after their outrageous charges of me soliciting them in an improper manner.

Lord Almighty, if I had truly solicited those ho’s, it would have been those human mattresses paying ME off.

After all…

I’m Herman Cain, Bitches…and I gots the 9-9-9. Peace Out.

If you’d like to offer moral support, and/or donate to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Carl Sagan - Pale Blue Dot

Religion vs. Spirituality

Image via Wikipedia"Actually, I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality.  Religion I take to be concerned with faith in the claims of salvation of one faith tradition or another, an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of metaphysical or supernatural reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or nirvana. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayer and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit - such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony - which bring happiness both to self and others. While ritual and prayer, along with questions of nirvana and salvation, are directly connected to religious faith, these inner qualities need not be, however."

- the Dalai Lama, Ethics for the New Millenium, Riverhead Books, 1999, p22, quoted in Clive Erricker, Teach Yourself Buddhism, Hodder Education, London, 2008.

Eva Longoria Parker Latest Pics

Eva Longoria Parker Latest Pics

Halloween Sucks, But It's Almost The Holidays

Hola Bitches! Well, it’s just about that time of year again. It’s almost Holiday Season. Despite the fact that I spend much of the Holiday Season depressed, there is a lot to love about the holidays. I’ve always loved the spirit of the season. I love the festive atmosphere, the decorations, the music, the general happiness and all that great stuff too. Unfortunately, it all starts with my third least favorite day of the year: Halloween.

After my birthday and April Fools’ Day, Halloween is the day I have the least use for. There is very little to like about Halloween. Basically there are only four things I like about Halloween:

1. Candy packaged in variety packs that you can’t get other times of the year.

2. The command performance put on by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs in I Know What You Did Last Summer. They were spectacular.

3. SMARTIES!

4. Said candy variety packs being put on 50% off sale at Dollar General after Halloween is over.

That’s it. That’s the list! 

The rest I can do without. I don’t like scary movies. I don’t like costumes. I don’t like spooky shit of any kind. I’m already pissed that I’m going to see 5,000 people post pics of their babies dressed as bumble bees and all will pretend that they are the only ones who thought of it. Not you of course, your kid is cute as hell.

And their dogs! These people even dress their dogs up. Your dog is the one creature on this Earth that loves you unconditionally. He will never let you down. He will never leave you. He would put himself in front of a bullet or a speeding train to save you. And how do you repay him? You dress him up like Harry Potter or an Elf or some other shit. Then you take pics of him and post them on the net for everyone to laugh at and make fun your best, and probably only, friend in the entire world.

Oh sure, I’ll retweet those pics of your dog in his costume. Or I’ll post them on the official I’m With Stupid Tumblr. But, deep inside, I’ll feel really bad for the poor little puppy suffering such humiliation only because his only desire in life is to make you happy.

But, after Halloween is over things will begin to improve. As the days get shorter and colder and the football games get bigger and more meaningful, it will become time to start making Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. Mine are already made, weather permitting, of course. My plans are the same as every year. Thanksgiving with the family in Omaha, NE and a quiet and simple Christmas here in Redneckville, AR.

In between there will be decorating, baking fudge and cookies and watching all my favorite Christmas specials and movies. It’s such a special time of year. Hell, we might even dedicate a whole episode of I’m With Stupid internet radio show to happy shit. Maybe. We’ll see.

But, that’s all in the future still as I have to get through Halloween night first. I’ll put up the blackout curtains and ignore the begging children of Occupy Wall Street people who bang on the door even though my porch light won’t be on or anything like that. Then on Tuesday morning I will go out and see whether or not my car was egged or the air was let out of its tires by kids engaging in a little “mischief.” Only then will I be able to start looking forward to the Holidays and actually smile again.

--

Speaking of Halloween, we held out Halloween Creeptacular this weekend on I’m With Stupid. And boy was it! The show opened with a trailer for a soon to be released horror film loosely based on the lives of your humble hosts, Matt-Man and Jayman. Then we engaged in some witty banter, as usual, followed by talking Halloween and taking calls.

And, while Matt and I were bringing the creepy, Dana and Knight called in to bring the sexy! It turned out to be a pretty great show. Especially as Knight watched a certain “inappropriate” video and gave us a little play-by-play of the action. Let’s just say it was HAWT! But, in a totally family-friendly(ish) kind of way.

So, check out the show if you get the chance. We very much appreciate your support and love each and every one of you out there.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

BotW: Sexy Slutty Celebrity Halloween Costumes

We decided to do something a little different for our Babe of the Week this Sunday. Since it’s Halloween weekend, IWS is proud to present some of the best Slutty Halloween Costumes.

Alessandra Torresani as Slutty Barbarella

Blake Lively as Slutty Sexy Schoolgirl

Kim Kardashian as Slutty Poison Ivy 

Kourtney Kardashian as a Slutty Pirate Wench

Kelly Choi as Slutty Dead Bride

Meagan Good as Slutty Hooters Girl

Lauren Conrad as Slutty Sexy Sailor Girl

Paris Hilton as Slutty She Ra 

Olivia Munn as Slutty Princess Leia

And, my favorite … Sexy Asian Nurse! 

Kim Kardashian Image 2012

Kim Kardashian Image 2012

Deepika Padukone Desi Boys Wallpaper

Deepika Padukone Desi Boys Wallpaper

Jenson Button Photo

Jenson Button Photo

Lewis Hamilton Image

Lewis Hamilton Image

True Blood Halloween

My beginning inspiration...


Until I was told that the blood tears were too scary for the library....

So I've modified my plan and ended up with this...

I love my costume this year.....

Matt Said, Jay Said XI

Matt said a few things, Jay said a few things, and then we moved on.

Matt: “Howdy Ho!”
Jay: “Ever notice that I’m always the one doing the calling.”
Matt: “Hmm … What’s up with that?”
Jay: “Nobody ever calls me. No texts, messages or calls. Ever.” *SIGH*
Matt: “Jay, the Self-Pity Show is over.”
Jay: “It never ends for me.”
Matt: “Awww”
Jay: “That wasn’t a very sincere sounding ‘aww’”
Matt: “It’s the best I can do though.”

Jay: “I posted Wednesday’s show EVERYWHERE”
Matt: “You are a marketing guru.”
Jay: “Yeah, and I played up the strange “turning asexual” talk we had.”
Matt: “That was a little weird. But, weird things happen like that sometimes.”
Jay: “And, I figured those people might be some untapped listener.”
Matt: “Nobody really reaches out to touch them much.”
Jay: “True. And they’re kind of lonely.”
Matt: “As are most of society’s outcasts.”
Jay: “Just like us.”
Matt: “We can certainly relate to others who just don’t fit in.”

Jay: “Lindsay Lohan posing for playboy!”
Matt: “Dreams we didn’t know we had are coming true.”
Jay: “Only 8 to 10 years too late.”
Matt: “Exactly. Hope Miley doesn’t make this mistake. She’s pushing it already.”
Jay: “She’s practically an old hag by now. Miley, not Lindsay. Lindsay has been for a while.”
Matt: “True. True.”

Matt: “New maintenance chick here at the Digs.”
Jay: “Oh really? A maintenance babe?”
Matt: “I’m watching her rake leaves. Apparently this is a VERY physically demanding activity.”
Jay: “Lots of bending and repetitive motion.”
Matt: “Just a carpal tunnel worker’s comp claim waiting to happen.”
Jay: “Poor girl, but what can they do. She’s a girl, so she can’t do actual maintenance work.”
Matt: “Can’t give her power tools! She’ll hurt someone.”
Jay: “So she has to do women’s work. Cleaning, sweeping, raking.”
Matt: “And she doesn’t appear to enjoy it.”
Jay: “I hope she runs into Angry Mailman. That would be quite the encounter.”
Matt: “They might run off together.”

Jay: “Okay, so Halloween Extravaganza?”
Matt: “You could call it ‘Spooktacular’ cause no one ever uses that!”
Jay: “Creeptacular?”
Matt: “Oh yeah! We are definitely creepy enough for that.”
Jay: “That’s why the chicks dig us.”
Matt: “They can tell we know how to get our freak on.”
Jay: “Even in asexual ways.”
Matt: “We are men of many talents.”
Jay: “Okay, Halloween show of some kind.”
Matt: “I’m no it! Gonna be great.”
Jay: “We always are!”
Matt: “Can’t wait!”

--

While waiting for that show, you can listen to Wednesday’s absolutely hilarious and entertaining show. It was 45 minutes of pure randomness and irreverence that we are famous for. We rapidly, yet efficiently made our way through Lindsay Lohan, SEO marketing issues with the website, Mitt Romney and his bad week, some Halloween Show prep, turning asexual and eating Pringles Sour Cream and Onion potato chips.

That’s quality entertainment at a fair price right there. We hope you listen and enjoy the show because making you, our readers, listeners and friends happy is all we’ve got what it’s all about.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Sebastian Vettel Wallpaper 2012

Sebastian Vettel Wallpaper 2012

Michael Schumacher Pics

Michael Schumacher Pics

Pretty As A Picture ?

4 Wise Men

Closed Market Stalls Amsterdam

Sea View From Dunstanburgh Castle

Alnmouth Beach

This was back in August. Meg took me on a day trip to show me some of the places that her parents used to take her as a child.  Alnmouth beach is lovely, hard flat sand and lots of interesting rock pools, and a golf course on which you almost tee off from the sand.

Ellie At The Yorkshire Sculpture Park

Exposed: Media fabricated 'empty tents' story at OccupyLSX

Miranda Kerr Nude Pics

Miranda Kerr Nude Pics

Natasha Jain Wallpaper

Natasha Jain Wallpaper

Natasha Jain Wife of Indian Famous Cricketer Gautam Gambhir.

Easy, Last Minute Halloween Costumes for the Man Who Has Nothing

Cheers Chuckleheads, and...

In case you were nursed on thalidomide instead of Similac like one of my brothers, you have probably forgotten that Halloween is this weekend, and are in need of a last minute costume to wear to the parties tonight and tomorrow.

No fears…The Matt-Man has you covered with some really awesome, last-minute Halloween costume ideas.

Of course it’s easy for a woman to come up with a last-minute costume. Hell, they can just throw on a bra, a skirt, and a gallon of perfume and go as a hooker, or do what IWS’s friend, Tiffy Crack deVille did…

A couple of felt arachnids strategically placed upon her nipples, and voila, she is, Spider Woman!!

Or even more basic, just do what our IWS Correspondent Kim Fragile did last year…Take off your bra, throw on a leather jacket, and go as, Eeeeeeeeeezy Ridah…

Women have it made, however, do not fret my good men of the male persuasion, give me five minutes and I’ll help you out.

Last year, I was notified by the IWS Marketing Department that I was to appear at a Halloween party to help benefit St. Rita’s School for the Deaf, Dumb, and Guilted.

What better way to celebrate both Halloween and Catholicism than by grabbing a piece of construction paper, a Sharpie, and dressing like Pope Benedict XVI!?

Have a pair of sunglasses, White-Out, and a red marker? You’re good to go. Check it out, just make slants on your glasses with the White-Out, apply blotches to your face with the red marker, and look…

You are now, Hee So Glo, former Head Janitor at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Or…

If you prefer the Chinks to the Nips, use the same glasses with the applied White-Out, don a silk robe, and Abwacadabwa…

You now, Hu Hefnorrrrr, CEO and editor of China’s number one men’s magazine…Prayboy.

Make sure you tell the other guests what all it took for you to get Rindsay Rohan to do spwead for yu. Ha-ho…

A couple of year’s ago, I hadn’t been invited to any Halloween parties and was headed out to eat by myself at the counter at Waffle House to enjoy some hash browns and heartache when the phone rang, and on the other end was an invite to a party. 

I had ten minutes…tops.

So…

I grabbed a bottle of booze, dyed my hair, scribbled some unreadable, poorly written dialogue onto seven pieces of paper, threw on a sweater that was really ugly, and lo and behold…

I was Ernest Hemingway…The resemblance is un-fucking-canny, is it not? Of course, you could always do the following as well…

When Halloween is over and your friends ask you why you didn’t show up for the Halloween bash, you can always respond…

“I was there.” and they’ll reply…

“You were? I didn’t see you?” To which you say…

“That’s because I came as The Invisible Man.”

Trick-or-Treat, Bitches, and make sure to join Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, as we celebrate Halloween. It’s going to be spooktacular.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

That's My Line!

I TOTALLY SAY THAT!  (ok, so maybe I haven't said it lately..but I used to say it ALL THE TIME)

via Wicked Paper Co.

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Worst Personal Ad Ever

(also a lousy ad)

I enjoy reading the personal ads in the New York Review of Books (it's pretty much the only thing I enjoy in the NYRB).  I generally find them entertaining in their lack of modesty while proclaiming themselves the most modest person alive.  However, the current issue contains a personal ad that I find so incredibly depressing that I'm trying to fight off the urge to email this woman myself just to tell her that she's officially labeled herself as the most pathetic, sad woman ever.

"LA. Formerly pretty, formerly slender 69 years retired woman, out of shape, overweight, never married, terrified of commitment, blue eyed, grey and brown haired independent woman seeks independent man.  I'd ask for fit and handsome but let's be real. Must have sense of humor, read a lot, passionate about eating, napping, my sweet doggie, and a low energy lifestyle."

WOW.  Who doesn't want to date that??  She's pretty much outlined why she hates herself and why any reasonable person might also.  But it's cool.  She's got her dog to keep her company.

Dear lady,
While you may have lost your figure and looks, you probably have SOME redeeming qualities.  Perhaps you are a fabulous cook? Enjoy discussing literature? Love a cozy evening in? Maybe you have such a free spirit that no one has been able to tame you?! I don't know! Those are the sorts of ways that you explain your lack of interest in moving off the couch and eating a gallon of rocky road each night!  Not by giving the world the mental picture of your poor Pomeranian being force fed cheetos while you watch Golden Girls reruns!
Please consider resubmitting when you stop hating yourself.
xo,
A now sad reader